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The Potter Sue of the Day

Featuring your Mary-Sues, one fic at a time!

[sticky post]Rule of Thumb
Pancake!
pottersues

Since Pottersues is getting a lot of new minions I decided it was time to draw up the basic rules for this journal that have pretty much gone unsaid among the minions. I'll also note here that there have been four Pottersues so far since the journal was started.

Rules for Pottersues ReadersCollapse )

Tags:

4432: Kiss Me, My Prince! - Unknown, Cedric, Oliver
Pancake!
pottersues
Title: Kiss Me, My Prince!
Perpetrator:
ImaRavenclaw (They say they’re also ImaRavenclaw on the pit as well.)
Sue-O-Meter: Awful
Cover/Banner Art: n/a
Summary: None, even on the chapter summary unless you count the random symbols.
Full Name: n/a, Cedric and Oliver
Species: Our main Sue for today is a Matchmaker!Sue
Hair: n/a
Eyes: n/a
Markings: n/a
Possessions: n/a
Connection to Canon: We’re supposed to believe that McGonagall is teaching fifth years something which wouldn’t be taught until the sixth year simply because they’re “all very advanced and are currently doing seventh year course work.” The Sue turns poor Cedric into a cat, but says the wrong spell so for some reason the exact words she used turned it into a “can’t be broken without tru luv” spell. She ends up having to drag him around the school and we randomly switch to Cedric’s point of view. He happens to find Oliver Wood.
Origin: I’m not sure what to put for this one.
Special Abilities: Have we ever seen whole classes doing advanced classwork? The answer is no. The closest we saw was Hermione being allowed to take on an extra subject her third year, only for her to drop certain subjects. We’re also supposed to believe the only way to fix the mistake is “tru luv”.

Notes: At the end of the story is an author’s note telling everyone goodbye. I don’t know why.

Sample:

I wish writers would stop asigning classes advanced magic not a part of the curiculum for their year.Collapse )

4431: Ice Princess - Unnamed
Pancake!
pottersues
Title: Ice Princess
Perpetrator:
D_W_Slytherin
Sue-O-Meter: Toxic
Cover/Banner Art: N/A
Summary: There is no summary where it is supposed to be. For the prologue though the summary reads, “the night where everything changed, it all started on Halloween…
Full Name: Life, Death and their child.
Species: Apparently the child of Life and Death is also Harry’s twin sister and the child of Lily and James.
Hair: Life’s hair is at one point described as “golden hair floating around her in a halo.” The twin has “golden blonde hair, white at the tips, went up to her shoulders in short, uneven patches.
Eyes: The twin has “a pair of pale, cloudy blue eyes with wisps of gold swirling around in an eternal pattern, her gaze alert and calculating.
Markings: The twin has “soft, rosy lips”.
Possessions: Nothing specific.
Connection to Canon: The prolog opens up with Life and Death holding hands and talking about their daughter on Earth that Fate was so kind to give them, but poor Sue is subject to Fate making her life miserable. Voldemort appears in the  room of the twins and starts whining about how he doesn’t like killing children, but that none of this would happen if they hadn’t been “turning their backs on our wizarding traditions, instead replacing them with muggle ones.Tonight is an example, where iwzards and witches used to celebrate Samhain, a celebration of the dead, but now it’s all about Halloween. And with you alive, especially in a position where it’s easy to have Dumbledore manipulate you to his will to do his bidding… I am truly sorry.” It gets worse though, as the one-year old girl knows to call him Tom. We’re then told that Dumbledore is presenting Harry publicly to the wizarding world, but I think the goal is to say that Harry’s not the real hero, but this so far unnamed Sue is.
Origin:I’m a young girl still attending school, and Harry Potter is like, my favourite fandom!
Special Abilities: She’s Harry’s super beautiful twin! Of Life, “her voice cut through the eerie silence, smooth like honey, no different from that of a melodic angel.” Obviously Harry’s twin is super special, because she makes Voldemort super OoC simply by existing.

Notes: On the positive side, the writer used their own words and the opening scene is unique. However, the Harry Potter doesn’t need to sparkle in the manner Stephanie Meyer made vampire different in Twilight. In fact, adding a bunch of sparkle to something – yeah, just don’t make things sparkly unless you need to, which is going to be most of the time.

Sample:

Look at all the sparkles!Collapse )

4430: To Make Matters Worse - Harry and Sue (Not her name)
Pancake!
pottersues
Since HPFF is back, I decided to get an entry from there today. It is still just as hard to navigate as before.
Title: To Make Matters Worse
Perpetrator:
xrebbiex
Sue-O-Meter: Awful
Cover/Banner Art: None
Summary: The summary is in the chapters, not the actual novel. “All I wanted was a distraction from the pain and he became that for one night. He wanted to be my distraction as he wanted me to be his.
Full Name: The character has none.
Species: We’re got a Sue who only exists for the purpose of having sex with a canon character.
Hair: At one point their hair is described as “tangled, ruffled hair”.
Eyes: n/a
Markings: n/a
Possessions: n/a
Connection to Canon: Harry broke up with Ginny. To get over his break up he goes and has sex with someone.
Origin: Apparently sex heals everything. It also apparently doesn’t matter if the OC and Harry know each other either or not.
Special Abilities: As per the origin, sex apparently heals everything. Did Harry take advantage of the fact the OC was drunk? Also, what’s up with the part where the OC says, “I was grieving over basically everything in my life at the moment.” That sounds like Bella Swan and her, “oh woe is me, my life is so horrible”.

Notes:  One of the things I never liked about HPFF was the fact the chapters had summaries. Have you ever seen a book with summaries? I get this feature for one-shot books, but not for the other story types. The writer isn’t a bad writer, to be honest. However, there are some super negative connotations with what the writer wrote. On the positive side, at least the sex scene wasn’t MA content in a place it’s not allowed, though I’m not sure what is or isn’t allowed on the site anymore as I can’t find the writing guidelines anywhere.

Sample:

Is anyone else tired of the sex heals stories out there? Particularly when that's the only point of the story?Collapse )

4429: Harry Potter: Time Lord - Harry, Luna, Teddy, Jenny, Hermione
Pancake!
pottersues
I honestly don’t know if I’m back. I was thinking of attempting to start back up on the first of the month but starting on the first before didn’t seem to get me into the flow of things.
- Does anyone know what’s going on with
Harry Potter Fanfiction
? I’d stopped getting entries from there due to how hard the site is to navigate yet checked back every so often to see if the website was user friendly again. For awhile the site was gone, but it is now back.
- The second Fantastic Beasts movie comes out in November. I bring this up because there will be some who will not be able to see the movie right away, so I will try warning about spoilers if I come across them, but would like people to avoid doing the same.
- There is a particular Suethor who keeps getting defenders attempting to defend the writer from criticism. The latest defender has quite a lot to say, but the part which stood out was the comment about how “sometimes playing in other people’s sandboxes means destroying the sandbox to build a castle you are happy with.” However, if you’ve completely torn down another person’s sandcastle and have built your own you are writing original fiction and not fanfiction. Effectively the defender managed to prove the point I and a few of the minions have been trying to make.
Title: Harry Potter: Time Lord
Perpetrator:
SabrinaMagnus
Sue-O-Meter: Toxic
Cover/Banner Art: The writer’s avatar was made by an avatar maker. It is an Anime style girl with purple hair dressed in black.
Summary:The true love of Harry's life died in the battle of Hogwarts, yet he survived when he didn't want to. At the ripe old age of 162, he finally completes his life's work, a magical equivalent of a TARDIS. Having had his Next Great Adventure told to him by a dying Luna, Harry decides to spend his last day righting some wrongs from his past. What surprises await? Rated for Safety.”
Full Name: Harry Potter,  Luna Lovegood, Teddy Lupin, Jenny, Hermione
Species: They’re Time Lords? (Harry and Luna that is.) At least that’s the jest. I’m thinking from the summary and what I’ve read so far of the first chapter that Harry and Luna are the “new” Time Lords. By this I mean the new Time Lords which are meant to help balance out the fact The Doctor is now the only Time Lord in existence.
Hair:
Eyes:
Markings:
Possessions: For some reason we have triplet phoenixes in this story. They all hatched from the same egg. Jenny is head girl and has a “head girl suite”. In the second chapter we find out Harry’s triplet phoenixes have “purple, lavender, and lilac plumage.” In other words, they’re all purple for some strange reason, but why not just say they were different shades of purple?
Connection to Canon: We’re supposed to believe going into this that Hermione died, but that she was also the love of Harry’s life. (I’m guessing this is another “simply fixing things I don’t like from the original Harry Potter” thing.) We’re also supposed to believe Harry built something like the Tardis, yet also managed to live over a hundred years. The same goes for Luna. Both characters are horribly out of character. The first chapter opens up with Luna mentioning a prophesy. Luna refuses to tell Harry the prophesy because he’d try to prevent it. (Am I the only person face palming at this? If something bad is going to happen, you try to prevent it rather than letting it happen.) Eleven years later we get lines such as “it had taken only a decade for the remains of magical Britain to stamp out most of the bigotry that was left and eventually embrace technology.” We find out Hermione has an award named after her. He also apparently discovered how the Room of Requirement was made. Later on we also find Teddy is alive after a hundred years. Jenny is the girl helping Professor Potter out. Harry heads out to change history and we jump into Harry talking to his loved ones while looking at “the ugly creature that was Voldemort’s Horcrux.” We also learn “Harry watched in terror as Bellatrix suddenly span away from their duel to fire a killing curse at the woman he only recently realized he was desperately in love with.” Yeah, this line came across as if the Suethor desperately wants Harry to be desperately in love with Hermione. Instead of telling the readers something like this, show. Harry shows up and saves Hermione from Bellatrix, but old Harry cackles like an insane old man and calls her “’Mione”. One of the “Luna Pheonix” happens to have “jumped off Harry’s shoulder and shot towards Hermione, impacting her chest and dissolving into her as the girl he loved burst into purple flames. A moment later, the flames cleared revealing a fully healed and refreshed looking Hermione.” Harry also got this treatment earlier, but this illustrates the ridiculous nature of Luna Phoenixes. I stopped reading at this point.
Origin: We have yet another writer who decided it was okay to completely strip the canon characters of who they are. “So, this is a small first chapter of a plot that’s gotten stuck in my head. It’s not a typical crossover in that any appearances from Doctor Who characters will likely be small cameos, but I don’t know yet. This story is subtle. At the moment my plans for it involve simply fixing things I don’t like from the original Harry Potter, basically saving people. I’m not sure what do with it beyond that but I do have a whisper of a plan to bring the OC from this chapter back. What I would like to know is if you, dear readers, would like to see this story continue. Please comment if you would like it to continue and also if you have any suggestion. But know that I already have plans for the triplets. I’m already working on chapter two. If the story is not liked, it will probably be the last chapter.
Special Abilities: I’m sorry to say Harry Potter steals quite a few things from the Doctor, some of which are named in the summary. Harry is a super intellect in this despite the fact academics was never his thing. He says something strange. “I used magic like a third arm. I also created a tiny layer of super dense air to work like a glove for the magic hand so that the power discharges would not feedback through my magic.” Let me get this straight. Harry’s version of the Tardis is powered by his magic rather than something which makes more sense? Does anybody else find him describing his magic as a third hand weird?

Notes: I’m tired of stories where one of the canon characters supposedly “didn’t want to survive”. Not wanting to survive works for The Doctor because he’s the last, and yet it is obvious from the start of the first chapter this isn’t the case for Harry as Luna is still around. Even worse, we’ve a case where the reason the character wants to die is because he lost the love of his life.

I find myself thinking back to what the defender of that one Suethor said, and how they used the words “a castle you are happy with”. Am I the only one who finds this train of thought self-centered? I keep imagining a little kid coming into another person’s sandbox, deciding they don’t like the elaborate sandcastle another person made and completely destroying it just to make their own, only for their own sandcastle to pale in comparison.

Sample:
"It's the Lady Luna, sir," she replied with a hitch in her voice. "She said 'It's time' and that you would know what that meant."

"So, it is," Harry replied sadly. "I shall be by in just a few moments," he said.

With a sad nod, Amelia's face disappeared and the flames changed from green back to yellow and orange.

Harry closed his eyes and concentrated. Soon, with a light tap of his finger on the staff he was slightly leaning on, a brilliant white stag shot out of glowing crystal in the top of the staff and bolted through the door of his office, on its way to inform the deputy head of Hogwarts of his departure for the evening. With another tap of his finger, the entire length of his staff glowed blue and an instant later, the office was empty, save for the portraits of the past Headmasters.

When he arrived at Potter Manor, he moved faster than his old bones should be able to carry him until he reached the door to Luna's room. Opening it gently, he stepped inside.

"Harry!" Luna called out from her bed as her lips curled up into a weak yet bright smile.

"Good evening, Luna," he said as he returned her smile with a sad smile of his own.

"Don't you get all mopey on me, Potter," she told him sternly before she coughed and lay back deeper into the bed. "You know that I have been waiting for this day for a long time."

"That doesn't mean I won't miss you, my dear," he replied sadly. "You've been my best friend, really more like a sister to me, for over a century. It was only because of your efforts that I survived after the war."

"I'm sorry, Harry. I know you didn't want to survive, but you needed to," she told him gently as she took his hand in hers while he sat on the edge of her bed. "You still have a lot of work ahead of you, Harry, and many more lives to save."

"I'm old, Luna," he said with a chuckle. "I suspect it won't be much longer before I meet you again."

"You know about my gifts," Luna said sternly as her eyes glowed white and her grey hair changed to bright red, displaying her anger, before both faded back. "You still have eleven years before you go onto your next great adventure," she said in a much softer tone.

"What makes you say that?" he asked her curiously.

"It is part of the prophecy I was given," she told him, causing him to groan and herself to chuckle. "Yes, Harry, there is another prophecy about you. But, it is not a prophecy. No, it is the last prophecy of this world."

"That sounds… ominous," Harry said with an arched eyebrow.

 

4428: Shipped away - Vivian Hunter
Pancake!
pottersues
I’ve been dealing with a family issue which should hopefully be under control.

Title: Shipped away
Perpetrator:
blodrose (The writer is from Sweden)
Sue-O-Meter: Awful
Cover/Banner Art: The cover is a picture of someone’s head from the back. It looks like a female and the hair is blond done up into a braid.
Summary:Vivian Hunter, a half blood, have been a captive of Voldemort for 3 years, when things suddenly change and she find herself in another universe. Rated T for violens and language.
Full Name: Vivian Hunter
Species: She’s a multi-fandom sue.
Hair:
Eyes:
Markings: For some reason, “there on her arm was the dark mark in red”. Last time I checked, the Dark Mark was black but also used on Death Eaters, not the captives.
Possessions: A very annoying backstory for getting from one fandom to another.
Connection to Canon: We get two chapters of torture because Voldemort wants George to join him and is using her to get to him. At the end, she ends up falling into the world of The 100. The third chapter is about her falling into fandom and consists of three paragraphs. She then meets the characters from the other world. She spends the fifth chapter worrying about not being able to perform wandless magic because “wandless magic was something only the most skilled witches and wizards could do.” The characters are also talking about killing her.
Origin: Something bad happens in one fandom so they end up in another. This plot is bad enough when done to a canon character who’s already
Special Abilities:

Notes: What’s the point of this?

Angst!Collapse )

4227: Black and White - Andrew Raymond George/Potter and Harry Potter
Pancake!
pottersues
Title: Black and White
Perpetrator:
Zakumi122
Sue-O-Meter: Toxic
Cover/Banner Art: Their avatar are a pair of Anime characters, yet I am not sure which characters they are as the picture is a bit dark. I thought one was Soifon from Bleach, yet I’m not sure of who the second would be.
Summary:Harry had grown up knowing Andrew is his brother, no matter what people kept saying. One day they find out they're wizards and not only that but they're both famous. Only one problem the wizarding world expect two White heros to rise. How will they react to a Black hero? rated T for discrimination and language. Harry/Tonks, Hermione/OC v.s Ron. BOOK 3 NOW UP!”
Full Name: Andrew Raymond George/Potter and Harry Potter, by extention
Talk about over doing things.Collapse )

4226: The Triplets of Hogwarts - Cliodhna and her brothers
Pancake!
pottersues
Title: The Triplets of Hogwarts
Perpetrator:
Sergeant Wellington
Sue-O-Meter: Toxic
Cover/Banner Art: None
Summary:The Quick triplets are the only triplets in Hogwarts history, are best friends with the Weasleys & the Diggorys, & are way too good at Quidditch. Cliodhna sometimes feels like the odd person out when everyone comments on her being a girl, but she's determined to show them. Quidditch, friendship, and school are the most important things! AU AU! [CD/OC (CQ), HP/GW, HG/FW, etc.]
Full Name: Cliodhna “Klee, at least according to the reviews” Quick, plus Ben and Jack “Jackie” Quick
Species: They’re triplets. Their parents are Angus and Caterine Quick
Hair: Her is a quote from chapter two. “Cedric walked a half step behind his mother, nervous about meeting these neighbors. He became very confused when his eyes settled on the three children who were all similar heights and had varying shades of blonde hair.” There is nothing confusing about that!
Eyes: Jack’s eyes are “golden-brown”. One of the annoying things in chapter one is how the triplets having different eye colors is pointed out. “Cliodhna smiled at the younger boy who was nearly their height,” Just another way we’re different.” Please, writers, when giving your characters special traits, don’t throw it in your readers faces! Her eyes though turn out to be hazel. Funny how the first image which popped into my head wasn’t the “blue hazel”, but the “golden-brown” hazel. In fact, Ben’s are also described as “golden-brown” in chapter one.
Markings: Nothing specific.
Possessions: I believe they received brooms at a very young age.
Connection to Canon: The first chapter involves the annoying Cliodhna moving in near the Weasley family with her mother, father and triplet brothers I suspect only exist to make her super special. Scratch that. The comment regarding their eyes in chapter three confirms it, but I find myself more annoyed than I thought I would be with this character, and we’re not even into the first chapter. (The first chapter of twenty-eight mind you, with 273,628 words.) Later on, they also talk about celebrating half-birthdays. (…) “’I like the Quicks,” Bill told his brother as they flew lazily high above the field, ‘it’s good for the others to know non-Weasley children.’” WTF! We’re not even out of the first chapter, and the “we’re so special” isn’t slowing down! Cedric moves in during chapter two, but the entire thing felt “anticlimactic”. I’m also bothered with this “everybody moving in” plotline. I also just realized the writer is naming their chapters via Roman numerals. Chapter three is best summed up as being about how much Cliodhna loves her perfect family, but has the perfect life with perfect friends. WTF! In chapter four, “’Take care of your brothers,” Angus’ hands were on her shoulders, his green eyes peering into her hazel ones. ‘Make sure Jack makes friends and make sure Ben doesn’t become a prat.” As suspected, they don’t have any true role in the story beyond making their sister super special. Cedric also has to explain what triplets are in this chapter. Looking at chapter five, the story is “sue-what-plot”.
Origin: I wonder if the writer thought something along these lines. “There are already a bunch of twins at Hogwarts. As such, to make my characters unique, they need to be triplets.” I feel this is confirmed as I reread the summary and notice the first line. I’m not even into the first chapter, and the story is screaming toxic rating wise. I’d like to say the writer might surprise me, but I doubt this story will rank lower than an awful.
Special Abilities: Just from the summary, we find out they “are way too good at Quidditch.” I’m also left believing what I believe is the main OC, Cliodhna, is attempting to show people girls can do what the boys can. I’m honestly tired of that plotline, but writers who honestly think being a tomboy is actually something that makes the character unique. Actually, with just the summary, I see the writer already tacking on traits just to make their OC special. I also just reread the summary. They’re apparently the “only triplets in Hogwarts history”. I found out from the reviews that Ben is gay. Something tells me that’s another thing tacked on to be “special”.

Notes: When someone says they can’t believe a story doesn’t have more reviews, do you believe them? I see people saying that so many times on poorly written stories rather than the good ones, so how can you tell if the reader knows what they’re talking about?

Because according to one reader, “this is a great coming of age story”, yet doesn’t have any form of conflict one would expect of an actual coming of age story. If someone recommended this as a great coming of age fanfic, I’d find myself majorly disapointed.

Sample:

I AM SO SPARKLY SPECIAL! CAN'T YOU TELL!Collapse )
 

4225: Magic in the Moonlight - Lyra Sanquine
Pancake!
pottersues
Title: Magic in the Moonlight
Perpetrator:
Lady Nightlord
Sue-O-Meter: Awful
Cover/Banner Art:
Summary:Three has always been a magical number and at Hogwarts even more. Before the famous trio there was another whose story carried on through everything; a tale of friendship, love and pain that stood the test of time. During school friendship is everything and afterwards things always get more complicated. Especially when you're friends with Severus Snape...well, sort of.
Full Name: Lyra Sanquine
Species: She’s a relationship sue.
Hair: Her hair is raven colored. We also hear that “her long black hair tied back from her face but for loose strands that hung either side.”
Eyes: Her eyes are grey.
Markings: So far, nothing specific.
Possessions: Nothing of interest.
Connection to Canon: The first chapter involves the three meeting at Kings Cross. For some reason she’s able to worm her way into Lily and Severus’ inner circle. I guess there is an explanation given by the Sue. “Both magical… but don’t worry I’m not as…egocentric as some other purebloods… can we still be friends?” this results in out of character blushing from Severus Snape despite the fact he likes Lily. She of course gets sorted into Gryffindor. Oh, and she used to be James’ friend, but is no longer so because he picked on Snape. I found the second chapter a tad confusing. We get the line, “despite a few problems concerning James and his little group, her beliefs turning out to be correct, the three had pulled through into their third year with little hassle.” The chapter then involves the three talking. We find out she’s been living on her own. (I don’t buy this. Chapter three is about her seeing things in the crystal ball. Later James and Severus get in trouble later on for dueling. Even though Slughorn has a party in chapter five, the story is sue-what-plot.
Origin: The writer decided to randomly dumb their OC into the canon material without thinking how said OC fits in. Am I the only person who is bothered by one of the descriptions of Kings Cross being “the smell of coffee”.
Special Abilities: She’s another character who’s story went untold. She’s also another friend of Snape, despite the fact Lily being his only friend plays an important role in regard to his background story. Snape is also instantly crushing on her as soon as they meet. (This writer completely misses the importance of Snape’s infatuation with Lily, don’t they?)

Notes: What stood out regarding the summary on this one is the way the writer plays up the importance of the characters friendship in regards to a character who had only one friend. The story has forty-one chapters and over a hundred words. There are so far only four reviews. I wonder if the sue-what-plot is at fault.

Sample:

Chapter One

Kings Cross was by far one of the busiest places around London with people coming and going faster than you could count them. New and shiny trains lined up the platforms, sirens and flashing signs alerting passengers to the departure times while a big clock steadily clicked closer to eleven o'clock. With fifteen minutes to go most were scrambling to their destinations. The smell of coffee as hurried businessmen ran past, the sound of crying children being tugged along by weary parents, the feel of people brushing past on the crowded platforms all added to the organised chaos of the daily commute. All but one. A small, young girl stood staring at the pillar between platform nine and ten. No one really noticed the dark haired girl, her long black hair tied back from her face but for loose strands that hung either side, grey eyes never leaving the stonework before her despite the annoyed trills of a grey owl in its cage, resting atop her school trunk.

She wasn't one of the first people to have her predicament and she wouldn't be the last either. It would happen every year on that same day between ten and eleven, there was always some child stood staring at the pillar as if waiting for it to move for them. The only difference being that usually they had someone accompanying them. Sighing, the girl drummed her fingers worriedly on the bar of her cart wondering just what to do with herself when she suddenly heard someone coming closer.

"Come on Sev! We're going to be late and miss the Hogwarts Express!"

Jumping at the mentioning of the wizarding school she turned to see two children her own age heading her way with their own carts. One was a young, auburn haired girl with kind emerald eyes, dressed smartly in a simple summer dress and looking positively ecstatic as she hurriedly pushed her cart towards the platform. Beside her was a more sombre character, a young boy with dark hair that was somewhat greasy, dark eyes looking down at the ground before sideways at his friend warmly. A strange combination between the bouncy and kind looking girl and stiff, awkward looking boy.

"It's fine Lily, we still have ten minutes."

Both of them were accompanied by a woman of around average height but she looked rather thin and if anything, frail, her long black hair falling lankly around her pale face not unlike - she guessed - her son's. The third addition walked slowly behind the children looking as if she wished to be elsewhere.

The girl scoffed lightly but smiled back at him, "I'm just glad you know how to get onto the platform! Oh," only now did the auburn haired girl notice the girl stood before the pillar, not that you couldn't miss the silent look of desperation on her face, "are you going to Hogwarts too?"

Nodding, the raven haired girl smiled sheepishly, "yeah but I'm not sure how to erm...you know...get through."

"Aren't your parents here?" the bubbly girl asked curiously, answered by a shake of the head, "oh, well it's alright Mrs Snape is going to show us, you want to come along if it's okay with her, I'm Lily Evans by the way."

"Lyra Sanguine," she shook the girl's hand before looking at the boy, still smiling at him despite the slight frown on his face.
 

4224: Painting It, Black - Persephone Black
Pancake!
pottersues
Title: Painting It, Black
Perpetrator:
QueenErynn
Sue-O-Meter: Toxic
Cover/Banner Art: The cover art is of a girl in a strapless black top with a bunch of tattoos and a short blonde haircut.
Summary:Persephone Black approached 12 Grimmauld place with her purchases from Diagon Alley. She wore her honey blond hair in a tight neat bun, and her kitten heels clicked against the cobblestone. Two men stood outside of the house's magical entrance. "Miss Black... your grandmother has passed." The wizard robed in purple started. A wave of utter relief washed over her.
Full Name: Persephone Black
Species: Sirius’ daughter
Hair: I believe she has blonde hair.
Eyes: Don’t’ know. Haven’t caught anything as I read through.
Markings:  Nothing specific…
Possessions: She has a wand which is “white ash 8 inch dragon heartstring wand.” She also “poured over a leather journal inscribed ‘to Songbird from Padfoot, 1977’. Each page was absolutely filled with beautifully penned poems, notes, and personal entries. Her favorite pages were of the hand drawn portraits spread throughout the book. Her favorite was labeled ‘Padfoot’ a young man with wild hair, a mischievous grin, yet kind eyes.” She lives at Grimmauld.
Connection to Canon: Persephone is currently being raised by Kreature. She is now off to get her school supplies. This takes place during year three, as she sees a dog looking at her. Narcissa meets her at the train, but then she’s rushed through the sorting in the very first chapter. She goes into Gryffindor, but now that I think about it that’s actually a flash back. She’s threatened by her grandmother about becoming a Gryffindor. The school helped her hide the fact she’d been sorted into Gryffindor, only for this to be ruined by the Malfoy family. She also finds out her grandmother has passed when she gets back from shopping for school supplies. (Yes, this is confusing. I thought Kreature was raising her.) Second chapter she finds herself in Kingsley’s care. Third, she is in Remus care and apparently we’re to believe Remus was also in love with Persephone’s mother. Chapter four – she’s introduced to Harry, but of course nobody but Hermione knows her despite the fact she was in potions and charms the last year, yet should have been in every single class because they don’t “change” the house someone gets sorted in, and classes are gone to based on which class your in. Chapter five is the incident with Buckbeak and her getting to fly. Chapter six involves transfiguration, the characters rambling and her having nightmares for some reason. Chapter seven is the Bogart. Apparently she is afraid of her adult self. (I am NOT amused.) In chapter eight we find out she is in fifth year with McGonagall, but they convince her to do some Quidditch stuff. (Sorry, but no. If students could skip grades like that, Hermione would have.) She is interested in George. (I guess because he’s the twin that doesn’t die? Anybody else notice people now pick a twin to pair their character up with?) Anyway, I’ve had enough with the woe is me and special treatment the Sue is getting, but there is actually currently forty-one-chapters. I’ve not even gotten a forth of the way through. Also, according to one reader, the writer got sixteen chapters done in less than a month. If the story isn’t following the plot from the books, there is no plot. Apparently for a period of the time she lives with the Malfoy family.
Origin: She is Sirius’ daughter who was raised by Mistress Black. She prefers the Mistress Black in painting format. In chapter three we find out her mother was an American named Robin.
Special Abilities: I’ll start off with the fact I find the treatment of Persephone’s life gag inducing. She’s also disrupting a ton of Harry Potter canon by her mere existence. Which, going AU isn’t a bad thing. It’s the fact this is thrown together. She also has no fatal flaws. She has these dreams, which apparently – according to one review – are visions.

Notes: It’s probably not a good thing when the summary introduces the character and what they look like rather than the actual story. I’m not sure what bothers me more: the paragraph formatting, or that with just the summary and first paragraph according to the writer’s current formatting we are being waxed poetry regarding how perfect everything is. That is, perfect except for the needed drama in the Sue’s life.

Sample:

Sugary sweet isn't really fun to read as we know life isn't perfect.Collapse )ishments. She only hoped the cretin would keep this to himself and she wouldn't suffer anything in the morning.

When dawn broke through the dusty moth eaten curtains of her room Persephone vaulted from her bed and readied herself for breakfast with her caretaker. The vanity mirror her grey eyes reflecting back in weariness. She brushed her honey locks into a tight high bun after pulling on a long black skirt and a green blouse. A slytherin banner hung over her dresser and it made her smirk before leaving the room to join her grandmother for breakfast in the woman's room. Walburga Black laid propped up against a mass of feather pillows; her silver locks in a tidy bun, and the disappointed expression on her face was always there.


"Good morning Grandmother." Persephone quietly greeted before taking the chair next to the bed. Walburga didn't reply but merely reached for her wand on the bedside table. Persephone flinched gripping her hands onto her knees. Inwardly she cursed the house-elf. When no pain came she looked up to see an envelope floating into her grandmother's hand.
"You are to only withdraw enough for your school supplies. No extras and return the key to Kreature upon your return home or else."


"Y-yes ma'am." She held out her hand for the Black family vaullt key. They ate Kreature's oatmeal in silence.