Thanks to glideiscope for sending in this Sue!

TITLE: Wild Thing
PERPETRATOR: HarryPotterLover101
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Hermione Mia Jane Granger aka "Mia"
SPECIES: Witch/vampire
HAIR: "strait down to my back"
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: a "slimm body", "light and natrual makeup"
POSSESSIONS: a "laytex Jumpsuit", "a sexy short black strappless dress",

ORIGIN: "Loosely based on Jennifer's body". Voldemort tried to sacrifice her, and now she's a vampire.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Draco recognizes her in NYC they hook up because it's true love. Nine months later they have a daughter: Esmee Mia Malfoy.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: kills without remorse or regard.

NOTES: Draco "wore baggy blue jeans and black tight fitted top with a whith a black ed hardy top." So Draco is now Jon Gosselin.

( OH MY DEAR GOD! THIS IS HILARIOUS! )

TITLE: Princess of..What?
PERPETRATOR: DragonTears
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger aka Princess Gabriella Hermione Jacinda DeMaier aka "Mia"
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: "vivid violet" with "bigger curls cascading down her back".
EYES: "multi-colored, one a bright silvery blue, and the other an electrifying emerald green"
MARKINGS: fuller lips, perfect teeth, smaller nose and an oval face, six inches taller and a "a much curvier" body. "a pierced bellybutton with an enchanted charm on it in the midst of a well defined stomach. The woman noticed this, and was about to comment, but only smiled as she noticed the charm read “Daddy’s Princess”." IMO that's trashy.
POSSESSIONS:

ORIGIN: Hermione learns on her birthday she is the heir to the wizarding throne, and her parents are not
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Her grandmother tells her of the truth, and then tries to teach her how to become a Princess. Hmmm, that sounds familiar.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: "she and her parents had the purest blood in the entire wizarding community, to be surpassed by none."

NOTES: When I saw the "vivid violet" I was expecting it to be her eyes, not her hair! That made me so giddy!

( Why does she have purple hair? )

Thanks to the anonymous minion who sent in this Sue!

TITLE: Nora Ami Zabini: Am I Or Am I Not?
PERPETRATOR: Lizia Karndellia
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Hermione Jane Granger aka Nora Ami Zabini
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: a random abusive aunt, a letter from "Marija and Alec Zabini".

ORIGIN: On her sixteenth birthday she learns that she is really Blaise's sister, and has been under a glamour spell this whole time.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Draco is mentioned right away, of course. This time even in the "Grand Reveal" letter! Within about a millisecond she wonders if Blaise can set her up with Draco, and if she can set Ginny up with Blaise.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Undergoes a complete personality transformation. This bares no resemblance to Hermione Granger. It must have been the glamour spell.

NOTES: Why would Hermione believe this letter? Why would she think it's real? It might be a trap!

( They are not your 'real' family! Argh! )

TITLE: Meet the family
PERPETRATOR: HermioneSnapeloverduck99
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Hermione Jane Granger aka Hermione Narcissa Malfoy
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: "long sleek blond hair that almost hits her waist line"
EYES: "somewhat smaller gray eyes with long blond eye lashes"
MARKINGS: "perfectly even teeth and a tiny waste and instead of being five foot two inches tall she is five foot nine inches tall over all the word beautiful is an understatement of what Hermione is."
POSSESSIONS: An "amazing" bedroom: "circular in shape and has a king size four poster bed in dark wood and a cream colored silk bedspread on a raised platform a huge dresser across from the bed in the some dark wood as the bed, a sitting area with one wall covered with books cream colored leather couch and chair in front of a large marble fireplace with a picture of bright flowers above the mantle. On the other side of the room there were two large doors that led out to a balcony with a view of the gardens and on either sides the balcony doors are simpler wooden doors one leads into a gigantic closet filled with all types of clothes from muggle to dress robes. The other door leads into a bathroom with a marble counter tops a tub that could hold at least twenty people and a shower covered in slate and also has a built in bench and stereo. There was also a toilet." I'm so glad I know it has a toilet. Here I thought the Malfoys relieved themselves in a straw-covered corner of their exquisite bathroom.

ORIGIN: When Narcissa was pregnant Voldemort told her that if she had a daughter he would kill girl. She bore twins, Draco and Hermione, and they put a concealment spell on Hermione and had the Grangers adopt her. On her sixteenth birthday Hermione learns the truth, and accepts it because she is much prettier as a Malfoy and has a nicer place to live.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Reconciles with Draco, is re-sorted into Slytherin after the "Griffindors" reject her. Hermione writes a note to Harry and Ron to explain that even she didn't know. Harry sends back a believable letter in response. The next day Narcissa yells at her and Draco lets Hermione know that Lucius is faking at being nice, and then gives her advice about how to handle his parents.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Forgets her parental bond immediately.

NOTES: Chapter three is an Authors Note stating that chapter two was actually posted and adjusted by a friend who was jealous of the Suethor. She states "I have been out of the country for a while and as I was on my trip I did the stupid thing of letting one of my best friends posting chapter 2 for me. Not a good idea, never let a “friend” that is jealous of your trip to Europe update your story. To make a long story short, she sabotaged me. What was posted as chapter 2 was nothing like my original chapter. I am currently rewriting the chapter and will hopefully post it soon. If any of you liked any elements of the fake chapter please let me know."

Please tell her that the Malfoys being less-than pleasant behind closed doors, Harry being understanding, and Hermione sticking with her beliefs about House Elves is heaps better than the usual "real identity" stories we see. This friend should be her beta reader; she saved the story.

( This is from Chapter 1, which the Suethor wrote. )

Thanks to Glideiscope for sending in this Sue!

TITLE: Maid In The Malfoy Manor
PERPETRATOR: septasonicxx
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: an amazing room at the Malfoys, a bikini, old clothes.

ORIGIN: Hermione's family needs money, so her parents arranged for her to work as a maid in the Malfoy Manor. Yes, that is a logical explanation/storyline.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Works for the Malfoys, and discovers that it doesn't suck. Why? Because she gets to go swimming with Draco and Blaise during her first day on the job. Then they both kiss her 'cause she's hawt. Will be paired with Draco.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Forgets about having to work for her enemy after she sees her fantastic bedroom. Is attractive.

NOTES: I'm confused. If Hermione is a maid in the Manor, why is she hanging out and not doing her job? Also, why is she allowing Blaise and Draco to force themselves on her?

( Long and not okay. )

TITLE: The Taming
PERPETRATOR: Torn Asunder
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: a small room with a table and S&M bondage gear.

ORIGIN: Voldemort wins and Hermione Granger becomes Draco's "slave". He "tames" her, and we get to read about it and their "love story".
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Draco "owns" and "punishes" her. She finds him "gentle" after he beats her.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Will love her captor.

NOTES: I find it strange that we should accept any "love" shown by Hermione to Draco as genuine.

( NSFW Sample alert! )

TITLE: A Princess' Life
PERPETRATOR: temptresslove
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: "Her hair was bushyily arranged (hehe)"
EYES: closed in sleep
MARKINGS: "sexy" lips
POSSESSIONS: "Her hair had Purple and Black pearls as her crown. Her dress was up to her feet. It was simple light shade of violet. It was simple yet elegant. It was fit for a princess. Her dress was long sleeves, it wasn't a baloon dress, it just flowed. Okay!" Apparently that was Harry's point of view.

ORIGIN: There is an obvious prophecy that has Hermione playing the role of sleeping beauty, and Draco the role of the Prince.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Is Hermione Granger, the "Gryffindor Princess". Her "forbidden love" with Draco will until purebloods and muggleborns.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Looks gorgeous while sleeping.

NOTES: Cheesy. That's all I have to say.

( Candy? )

VOTE! It's the last day!

TITLE: A Royal Decision
PERPETRATOR: Queen Maleficent
SUE-O-METER: (troll)

FULL NAME: Princess Hermione of Ravenclaw.
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: "luscious honey-brown curls", "thick"
EYES: "deep blue eyes"
MARKINGS: "delicate hands",
POSSESSIONS: the "boldest" of stagecoaches with a four-post bed inside. The book "Ancient and Primordial Spells for the Advanced Mind", "a fleecy bathrobe", a "silver fringed comb", "her gown, a gift from Queen Lily, of rich emerald green silks embroidered with small beads and stones, which glittered in the candlelight. The bodice was charmed to hug her waist perfectly and the neckline was modest but not quaint. A stunning diamond necklace, which in fact was a Ravenclaw heirloom, was strung around her elegant neck with diamond studs in her ears to match."

ORIGIN: This is set in a magical kingdom. The houses are kingdoms. She is the daughter of King Richard and Queen Ella of Ravenclaw, and is the heir to the throne of Ravenclaw.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: "Lady Lavender" is her cousin. This might be the first fic where Lavender is ever connected to anything Ravenclaw. ;) There is a Prince Harry of Gryffindor, Prince Draco of Slytherin, and Prince Cedric of Hufflepuff. I hope he's a ghost. She meets many o the characters we know and love in their form and is going to meet Harry at a ball. Someone (probably Harry) sends her a love letter before the ball. She squeals in excitement.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Bares little resemblance to Hermione Granger, save for a love of reading.

NOTES: The plot is not set in stone. The Suethor is going to write what her reviewers want, "whether it be a dramione, harmony or any other sort of fic". How about canon?

Also reviewers going "I love the time-period you set this in" make me feel ill. This is not an actual "time-period", just some pseudo-medieval/early modern Europe tripe. It means there are *~princes~* and *~princesses~* and *~pretty dresses~* with *~carriages~* and *~manners~*.

Also, it's filled with purple prose.

( Why is there only one Princess? Oh yeah, because everyone has to want her. )

Thanks to convolutedplots for today's second Sue!

TITLE: Just Me and the Bookworm
PERPETRATOR: Angelica Nicole
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Wizard, Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: Hermione has "fantastic breasts" and her vagina is described as her "most valued possession"

ORIGIN: One day they just started having sex in the Trophy Room and never stopped.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Claims to be Hermione and Draco, yet they bare no resemblance to the canon-characters.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Don't seem to care about anything else except having sex. Willingly miss school to have sex all day.

NOTES: I had the hardest time who was the bigger stu/sue, so I just included them both.

( At least Draco isn't using purple prose? NSFW sample. )

TITLE: Betrayal, Power, Lust, and Love
PERPETRATOR: ShadowsDaughter
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: the dark mark
POSSESSIONS: a grudge

ORIGIN: After being "betrayed" by Ron and Harry, Hermione turns to Voldemort to seek power.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Is Hermione Granger, master betrayer.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: The ability to overreact.

NOTES: Why would Hermione go to the one person that would want her dead? It makes so sense.

( What the hell? This is way worse than anything Blue Cantrell can sing about. )

Thanks to the anonymous minion who sent in today's second Sue!


TITLE: When Dragons Dance
PERPETRATOR: DracosxonexandxonlyxLioness
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Hermione Jane Granger aka "Maya" and "Mione"
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: "long- down past her shoulders-, silky, and slightly wavy light brown hair hair"
EYES: large "soft honey-brown eyes"
MARKINGS: 5'1", "a flashing white smile", "lean, fit, tanned, strong, and muscular but still feminine; long smooth legs, and slim arms; and- as most neighborhood guys noticed when she went walking- she had developed nice curves." A tattoo: "a beautiful dragon on her right shoulder that shimmered different colors, a lot of the times with her mood".
POSSESSIONS: New clothes: "she had chosen ones that fit and showed off her figure", "somewhat thin black shirt with silver designs that clung to her form and cleavage and showed off her nice flat stomach, her dark blue low-rise tight-fit jeans, and to go under her jeans her 3inch heel knee-high black leather boots", and make-up. An owl named Moon.

ORIGIN: A bizarre characterization of Hermione Granger.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Hermione's parents go out of town, leaving her with her abusive uncle Paul, who beats and rapes her repeatedly. She sends a letter for help using a pseudonym, "Mystery". Draco receives it and replies using the pen name "Silence". After that an Epic Love will ensue, but not before Draco spies her at a club dancing trying to pick up after being violated by her uncle.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Despite all of the abuse she endures, she works out and wants to be a "different girl" from the "shy bookworm" that everyone knows her as. She's a great dancer.

NOTES: A weird plot. One minute it's angsty and depressing and the next Draco and Hermione are grinding in a club turning each other on, and don't recognize each other. I don't get how both sides to this story flow. Pick one cliche and stick with it.

( The owl should have sent it to her parents... )

Thank you to the anonymous minion who sent in today's first Sue!

TITLE: Purosangue
PERPETRATOR: crazyflyingsheep
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger aka Hermione Zabini
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: "perfect glossy tresses"
EYES: "a light golden amber color"
MARKINGS: 5'9", "Her nose turned into an elegant end and her lips turned in to lush and rose colored beauties".
POSSESSIONS: a house-elf named "Mipsy".

ORIGIN: The Grangers took Hermione into hiding at the request of the Zabinis. Then when the Zabinis decided that it was time for Hermione to know that she was adopted they took her away from her family without letting them say "Good-bye". She put up a bit of a fight, but caved quickly. She's gets to live in Italy.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Blaise's twin. Ron handles the news like an idiot and Blaise steps in for Hermione to "put him in his place". Draco turns up at Blaise's right afterward because his parents "took a sudden vacation". Clearly he and Hermione are going to be paired together.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can easily discard her old family for the new, better one.

NOTES: Someone please explain the Zabini fascination. I just don't get it.

( I wonder how the Grangers are doing? )

TITLE: Teach Me Perfection
PERPETRATOR: x.Kaley.x
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: brown
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: "thin and tiny"
POSSESSIONS: a notebook, "an oversized tee-shirt", "a black silk top [...] It had pink Japanese flowers on it."

ORIGIN: Claims to be the same Hermione Granger we are all familiar with from Harry Potter. Bares little resemblance.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Ginny wants to learn how to be anorexic. Draco's love will save Hermione from anorexia and bulimia.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Teaches other how to starve themselves.

NOTES: Stories like this create a ton of rage inside. Eating disorders aren't something you can "teach" or "perfect". They can't be cured by a cute boy telling you that you are "already perfect".

( Argh! )

TITLE: I was only Seventeen
PERPETRATOR: prettyinpink987
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: "very tamed"
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: Her face is "soft and clear".
POSSESSIONS: "a pencil skirt with a slit on the side and white blouse with a black blazer. Her heels were very high and stylish with a pointed toe.", a book called "Blood Brothers: My Life Amongst the Vampires",

ORIGIN: Is Hermione Granger, only improved because she doesn't have to worry about Voldemort anymore.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Ron's girlfriend, but had some sort of mysterious sexual liaison with Draco that is going to come out soon.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Is the youngest female to hold the title of "head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement". Is a member if the Wizengamot.

NOTES: Why must Suethors do this to Hermione? Why??

( I doubt even as an adult Hermione would care about having the perfect look. )

Sue #2!

TITLE: Drama, Dares, and Draco
PERPETRATOR: confused-with-life101
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: dyed black with red highlights, straight
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: a pierced tongue.
POSSESSIONS: "new curves", "a black tube top", "tight jeans with an h sewn into the left back-pocket".

ORIGIN: Voldemort and all of the Death Eaters have been killed or put in Azkaban. This means we can get to the important stuff.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Hermione gets a makeover. Ron is an idiot. Draco is an amazing Sex God.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Turns Draco into Senor Draco, lover extraordinaire.

NOTES: The Suethor put in a very important sentence to stay with canon: school uniforms were no longer required for seventh years.

( Classic cliches alert! )

Thanks to Jenni for sending in today's first Sue!

TITLE: Neville gets an O
PERPETRATOR: Feefola
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: brunette
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: "bouncy". Trust me, this goes under the "markings" heading.
POSSESSIONS: A "tight" uniform, silk underpants, her virginity until Snape ravishes her.

ORIGIN: Neville messes up a potion, it explodes and causes Snape and Hermione to be "forced" to act out all of the sexual tension that we seemed to have missed while reading canon.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Claims to be Hermione Granger. Must be someone in using Polyjuice Potion because Hermione would never act like this. Gloats about bedding the "infamous Potions Master" and Snape just screws her harder.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Is amazing in bed.

NOTES: I love how Snape just dismisses class, and then spends the day or forever in bed with Hermione. If that really happened, the other professor would wonder why students are out of class, and go check on Snape and stop the improper behavior in an instant. But this is fan fiction, where we don't use logical reactions.

( Snape =/= Capt'n Jack Sparrow )

I am loving the crossover section at the Pit. It's wonderful.

TITLE: Mermaids
PERPETRATOR: Harpiebird
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger aka Lady Hermione
SPECIES: Witch/Mermaid
HAIR: After she becomes a mermaid: "Her hair also seemed to be less crazy as it usually was".
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: A tail: "It was much darker then Ariel’s light green".
POSSESSIONS: Ariel gives her a "very beautiful, a dark green dress which wasn’t as dark as emerald but just as beautiful". As a mermaid: "her bra was of sea shells, almost exactly like Ariel’s except light bluish green".

ORIGIN: Ron does something stupid and sends Hermione into the past, and into world of Disney's The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea. Of all of the sequels to crossover with...
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Hermione meets Ariel and gets to be a mermaid to go to Atlantica to see if King Triton can find a way to send her back home. Ariel joins her.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Adjusts to her new surroundings very well. Has no difficulty being a mermaid.

NOTES: Why is everyone obsessed with turning Hermione into a mermaid?

( Who care that this doesn't make sense! I always wanted to be a Mermaid! )

Thanks to sinkinto_heart for sending in today's Sue!


TITLE: Blood and Magic
PERPETRATOR: tiki876
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: not described in detail
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: her mother's wedding dress, a "Wedding Book", a book called "Theory of Magical Vampire Breeding".

ORIGIN: The Cullens lost everything they had in America due to some magical folk/vampire segregation. Dumbledore sends them a note asking them to join the Order of the Phoenix. "When arriving to number 12 Grimmauld Place for the first time, they did face some dirty looks (mostly from the Weasleys) but they were soon accepted warmly. Throughout the years, Jasper became very good friends with Luna, Ginny developed a love hate relationship with Emmett, Alice grew very fond of Harry , Rosalie became very close to Fleur, Carlisle became good friends with Mr. Weasley, and Esme learned much from Mrs. Weasley. However, Edward seemed to be the one who kept himself away from everyone else. It was not long before he fell head over heels in love with a certain witch named Hermione Granger." Oh for the love kittens and ladybugs. He proposes to her and she accepts. This is all in the prologue.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Is Hermione Granger.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Gets Edward to warm up to the idea of creating half-magical half-vampire spawn

NOTES: The characterization of Edward is like reading a whiny characterization of Remus.

( And I thought Bella was Sueish enough )

Thanks to angakkuq_01 for sending in today's Sue!


TITLE: A Very Alternate Yule Ball
PERPETRATOR: pstibbons
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Hermione Jane Granger aka Dark Lady Jane
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: wild
EYES: they turn white and glazed, and then white and black.
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: "a comfortable loose-fitting periwinkle blue tracksuit", black tracksuits, army camouflage

ORIGIN: This is an excerpt from Krum's autobiography.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: She catches Cedric and Krum having sex in the library. Then Krum asks her to be his date to the Yule Ball since he has to appear to be straight. Ron insults her, she duels him and it was at this moment where she begins to become a dark witch. In all honesty her treatment of Ron is certainly unwarranted. Is killed by "Harry Quisling Potter". I assume that is suppose to be Harry's middle name.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: The greatest dark witch of the 21st century.

NOTES: Wow. I wish this was a parody, but it's not. Krum gets an honourable OOC mention as well. He should be nominated next Bubotubers!

( Mmmm, I love the smell of Ron-hate in the morning. )

Sue #2 comes to us from the amazing rowenaraven13! Thanks!


Link of the Day: brookolas feels that Cormac McLaggen is going to be the new Cedric, who was the new Oliver.


TITLE: Child of My Enemy
PERPETRATOR: Reds98, but it was actually written by Blueberry Girl on ff.net who seems to have disappeared.
BANNER:This one gets right to business, nothing implied, nothing fancy</img>
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: "vacant"
MARKINGS: a "tear-stained" face.
POSSESSIONS: Draco's "spawn".

ORIGIN: Voldemort wants and heir, so he gets Draco to rape and impregnate Hermione.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Draco Malfoy rapes her against a willow tree by Hagrid's Hut. She tells Ginny, but doesn't want anyone to know because of the shame. She finds out she is pregnant, and Ginny convinces her to keep the baby. Dumbledore is alerted to her condition and brings her to his office with Draco and tells her that her parents were murdered. She and Draco are eventually going to fall in love, 'cause that's what babies do, ya know?
SPECIAL ABILITIES: OOC-ness.

NOTES: The whole point of the rape is to get Hermione pregnant, which for the sake of the story it worked. But what if it didn't? Would Draco just go after her again? Or did he knew that she was ovulating? He has some sort of special power to detect ovulation? This is an important plot point you know!

( Smooth Dumbles, real smooth. )