Well, now, here we have a quandary. A week has seven days, but ol' Henry only had six wives. What to do? What to do?

Well, since we're out of wives, instead we will close Henry VIII week with an Elizabeth, in honour not of his the King's daughter but of Elizabeth Brought, his mistress. Henry actually had quite a few of this, but Miss Brought distinguished herself by bearing a son, Henry Fitzroy. A great many honours and titles were conferred upon this young man by his father, and there were for a long time suspicions that if none of the Queens could produce an heir, Henry Fitzroy would inherit the throne. Of course, this didn't actually happen... partly because Edward VI was born and partly because Henry Fitzroy died in his mid-teens.

And thanks to one of my apparently more masochistic minions, we have a real gem of a fic to close the week with:

TITLE: Ginny Weasley aka Queen Elizabeth I (hey, she's already been Lina Inverse - after that, this requires almost no suspension of disbelief whatsoever!)
PERPETRATOR: Bonnie-Shae

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Didn't you read the title?
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: not described. I suppose it's red.
EYES: not described - might be brown (since it's Ginny) or blue (since it's Elizabeth)
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: England.

ORIGIN: I have absolutely no freakin' idea. Seriously, I have no idea WHAT the hell is happening in this story. Ever. There's something about Ginny having dreams in which she's Queen Elizabeth, but it makes no sense. Maybe she's reincarnated? The author knows. I don't.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: I don't see any canon, either.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: The biggest, most powerful, laws-of-physics-defying OOCness field of any Sue I have yet encountered.

NOTES: This one has GOT to be intentional. If it's not, I will go downstairs, knock on my hockey-crazed neighbours' door, and scream "THE FLAMES SUCK".

What kills me about this one is that I had the exact same idea once. No, really - Elizabeth, out of running for the crown thanks to the birth of her half-brother, showed signs of magical talent and was trained as a witch... only to have complications ensue when she did, eventually, inherit the throne. 'Course, my version wouldn't have had Ginny and Draco in it, although there would have been both Weasleys and Malfoys in important roles. I never got around to doing anything with it besides making some notes of the 'maybe someday' variety.

By the way... marriage was not a subject one broached in the presence of Queen Elizabeth the first. Ever. Several of her parliaments learned this the hard way. She actually used her unmarried status to keep England out of wars - no king was going to be dumb enough to attack a country whose queen might be someday persuaded to marry him if he didn't... or might well marry his sworn enemy if he did. She always claimed she would die a virgin, and despite assorted folk rumors (and Hollywood treatments) to the contrary, there's never been any real sign that she didn't.

SAMPLE: ( Oh Em Gee Double You Tee Eff Bee Bee Queue Random Punctuation And Arabic Numeral Ones )

Voting is closed. Results to be announced later tonight.

For Day Six of Henry VIII Week we have a Catherine, for Catherine Parr. By this time, Henry was thoroughly disillusioned with virginal young maidens, and instead, he married a widow. All well and good on his part, but you do have to wonder what was going through Catherine's head when she said yes. "Let's see... one divorce, one beheading, one death of natural causes, another divorce, another beheading... if the pattern holds, I guess I'll be okay."

Despite marrying Henry, Catherine Parr was actually a pretty smart woman. She had strong Protestant sympathies and at one point came near to being accused of heresy by her husband, but managed to literally talk him out of it. She was also the only wife who really attempted to be any kind of stepmother to Mary, Elizabeth, and Edward. The former was already an adult, but Catherine had a lot of input into the education of the younger two.

In the end, of course, Catherine actually managed to outlive her husband. Chroniclers were generally careful to note that she was a good and dutiful wife who mourned his passing, but I can't help picturing her and Anna of Cleves heading off somewhere for a post-funeral booze-up, singing "we're alive and he's not! We're alive and he's not!"

TITLE: Bonded
PERPETRATOR: x Lindsay x

SUE-O-METER: (okay)

FULL NAME: Catherine Potter
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'dark hair'
EYES: 'green eyes'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: a wand that doesn't work very well, because it's not hers.

ORIGIN: Was sort of accidentally kidnapped by a Death Eater who came looking for Voldemort in the ruins of the Potters' house. Then for some bizarre reason, he erased everybody's memory of her and raised her himself instead of just letting her die.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Harry's long-lost twin sister.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: her foster-father taught her all about the Dark Arts.

NOTES: The explanation for why nobody knows Harry has a sister is actually better than most, and the writing is pretty decent... but it still has a hard time overcoming the fact that this is yet another story about Harry's Twin Sister. So it gets an 'okay'.

SAMPLE: ( Hey, A Baby! I Think I'll Keep It! )

LAST DAY. Vote now, or forever hold your peace!

Day Five of Henry VIII week is a Katherine, for Katherine Howard. I think out of the entire collection, Katherine's the one I feel the greatest sympathy for. She began her career as one of Anna of Cleves' ladies-in-waiting... actually, I think three or four (I don't remember exactly and am too lazy to look it up) of Henry's wives started out as the previous one's lady-in-waiting. You'd think these girls would learn.

Anyway. Katherine was only eighteen when she married the king, and I always got the impression that she was never quite sure what hit her. Henry was utterly infatuated with her to start out with, but the whole thing crashed and burned within record time - two years later, she was beheaded for adultery, along with two men who'd been her lovers. Personally, I can't say I blame her. If I were beautiful and eighteen and married to a fat ugly guy with a daughter ten years older than me, I'd probably have slept with my tutors, too.

On a Random Trivia note, Katherine was Anne Boleyn's first cousin. I guess Henry never learned, either.

The next woman Henry went for after Katherine was Anne Basset. She turned him down flat. Humans being what we are, I wouldn't be surprised if by this time considerable money was hinging on the identity of Henry's next wife, how long she'd last, and exactly how the marriage would be terminated.

TITLE: Cursed Life
PERPETRATOR: Birgit Riddle

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Katherine Wayward
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'she had brown hair in a chin length hairstyle'
EYES: 'bright green and brown eyes'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: none mentioned

ORIGIN: Who knows? The hat takes forever to decide she's a Ravenclaw, and her parents die tragically on Christmas day after having pissed off some dark wizard or other, who then writes her a letter to gloat about it. That's all we know.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Falls in love with Tom Riddle, because both being orphans just gives them so much in common. She kills herself and he turns evil. The end.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned

NOTES: This reads like it was written by a ten-year-old. The entire thing is in very short sentences with no emotion in it whatsoever... in my head, it is narrated by this Unoiled Robot Voice, which is really rather amusing.

There are some really shining examples of antigrammar in here, too.

SAMPLE: ( The Ending - On The Up Side, She Doesn't Call Him 'Voldie'. )

Two more days. We're getting down to the wire, folks... get your butts in gear and vote!

For Day 4 of Henry VIII week, we have an Anna, for Anna of Cleves (who, like Catalina, is usually called by the Anglicized version of her name - Anne. I use Anna (and Catalina) for the sake of avoiding confusion. And I just put parentheses inside parentheses. Cool). After Jane Seymour died, Henry went back on the marriage market, and having by this time alienated most of Catholic Europe, this time he set about looking for a wife in Protestant Germany.

By this time, Henry's reputation was starting to precede him - the general reaction of Europe upon hearing that the King of England was looking for a fourth wife was "again?" One young lady he proposed to told him that she'd consider his offer when she had two heads. But eventually he found a potential bride to his liking in the form of Anna of Cleves, selecting her on the basis of a portrait which turned out to be rather flattering. They were married for a few months, but it was never consummated. Henry apparently found his new wife so fat and ugly that he just couldn't get it up.

Considering what Henry himself looked like at this point, all I can say is GOOD TO BE THE KING, AIN'T IT LARDASS?

Since the marriage was never consummated, it was much easier to annul than had been the one to Catalina, but Henry couldn't just send Anna back to Cleves without pissing off a great many people who would have made bad enemies. So instead, he gave her castles and money, and adopted her as his sister. Out of all Henry's queens, I'd say Anna got about the best deal she could get.

TITLE: Anna Morgan
PERPETRATOR: Estella

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Anna Morgan, naturally. I think having the Sue's name as the title is probably worth an extra eyeball.
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described.
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: a bonus-Stu older brother named Xavier Riddle.

ORIGIN: Voldemort's daughter, raised in America by her mother... cliché counter goes click, click, click! Now the plot dictates that she transfer to Hogwarts at age 15, for the usual reasons that aren't reasons.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Voldemort's daughter.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned

NOTES: The name 'Xavier' always makes me giggle, because the only reason Sue Authors use it is for the X at the front. It's like Perdita X Dream in the Discworld Books... the 'X' stands for 'Somebody Who Has A Really Cool And Mysterious Middle Initial'. I'm surprised we don't see more Sues named Xenia or Xanthippe.

We should have a 'Names From The Ass Of The Alphabet' week.

SAMPLE: ( Only One Chapter, And This Is It. )

Hurry up and vote if you haven't done so already - only three days left!

Henry VIII Week, day three - today we have a Jane, for Jane Seymour (not the chick from Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman). Jane may well be luckier than Anne or Catalina in that she died of natural causes and didn't last long enough for the King to get sick of her. A very persistent bit of historical mythology is the idea that Queen Jane died during a cesarean section that was necessary to deliver her son Edward. Actually, she lived several days after giving birth and then died of an infection. Edward went on to become Edward VI, who is mostly famous for being one of the titular characters in The Prince and the Pauper but makes a fascinating study in his own right. He might well have been one of the scariest little kids in history.

The other incorrect idea about Jane that goes around is that for some reason she tends to be referred to as 'The Protestant Queen' when she was actually Catholic. The distinction between Catholic and Protestant in England at the time was a little fuzzy - the 'Church of England' was still basically Catholic, they just had Henry at the top of the heap instead of the Pope. If anybody wants a random bit of trivia, the word 'protestant' actually wasn't used at the time. Instead, people called them 'evangelists'. You will never hear this word in a period movie, of course... probably because Hollywood knows that modern audiences really wouldn't see what's wrong with the burning of evangelists.

And if all that doesn't have you confused enough... here's the Sue!

TITLE: Mary Poppins and the Order of the Phoenix
PERPETRATOR: meowcat (I've got a bad feeling about this)

SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Jane Banks. You know, the Jane Banks from Mary Poppins? I used to love that movie dearly when I was little... please, Sue Author, don't defile my memories!
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: the only adjective ever used for it is 'wet'. I seem to remember it being blonde.
EYES: not described. I don't remember... were they blue?
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: none mentioned

ORIGIN: Okay, so Jane Banks gets a Hogwarts letter. Fine. Mary Poppins returns out of nowhere to escort her to school. I suppose that's reasonable enough... if a Muggle family's child is going to go to Hogwarts, it makes sense to send a witch they're already acquainted with to help them deal with it. This could actually be fun if it were handled well. Sadly, it's not.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Mary Poppins seems to be a member of the Order of the Phoenix. Jane is probably going to make friends - or something more - with Harry Potter.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned

NOTES: I really am not sure if Mary Poppins counts as a witch or not, but it's not that much of a stretch, and believe it or not, I actually can bring a certain amount of willing suspension of disbelief into a crossover. And this one really isn't too terrible in concept, as crossovers go. Harry Potter and Mary Poppins mix surprisingly well.

Pity about the plotbunny having bitten this particular author, really.

For starters, I'm quite sure there are more interesting ways to mix these worlds. Mary Poppins as an Order member? Sure, why not start there! Or maybe she left something behind and the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts people come after it. Please, anything but Jane Banks getting her letter and us going through the same old Sue-Goes-To-Hogwarts sequence again.

Okay, perhaps it's not totally fair to say that, since Jane, Michael (What's he doing there?) and Mary Poppins head straight for #12 Grimmauld Place instead of Diagon Alley. But I have a hard time awarding any points for that because... well, it makes no darned sense. That's the second problem with this story.

And then there's the timeline. The author can't even decide when her story is set. She claims it's in the modern day, Harry's fifth year which is also Jane's first. Fine. So why do the characters talk and act like it's the early 1900's, right down to Mrs. Bank's obsession with women's sufferage? Ow.

So yes... this could have been an interesting crossover. But what it is is a contender for next time's OMGWTF award. *sighs*

SAMPLE: ( Hear That Flushing Sound? That Would Be The Aformentioned Treasured Childhood Memories. )

Four days left to get those votes in.

For Day Two of Henry VIII Week, we have an Anne, in honour of Anne Boleyn. Yes, she did have six fingers. No, she did not have three tits. In order to marry Anne, King Henry had to somehow get rid of Wife #1, and since she refused to die or be shipped off to a nunnery, he had to divorce her. So he flipped through the bible a bit and discovered a passage forbidding one from marrying one's brother's widow (and cheerfully ignoring one elsewhere that orders one to do so if said widow is childless). There followed a long and absurd period while the whole thing went on trial, during which poor Catalina was pretty much ignored and Anne was treated as if she was already queen. When the Pope wouldn't allow a divorce (he wanted to stay on good terms with Catalina's powerful relatives), the King declared himself effective Pope of England and the Anglican church was born.

Anne was already a couple of months pregnant when the king married her. The first baby was a girl who became Elizabeth I, and the second a stillborn son... and at that point, Anne was pretty much done for. The only reason she survived as long as she did was because Henry was pretty well aware that if he got rid of her while Catalina was still alive, that would be considered tantamount to admitting that the first marriage was the valid one after all. Once Catalina died, Anne was tried for witchcraft and treason, and beheaded.

If Catalina of Aragon and Anne Boleyn have a personal hell, it is probably a small room containing nothing but the two of them.

TITLE: Among the Slytherins
PERPETRATOR: Snickerz2 (yeah, Mary-Sues give me the snickerz, 2.)

SUE-O-METER: (okay)

FULL NAME: Anne Potter. Actually halfway plausible.
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: none mentioned

ORIGIN: Harry married some other Mary-Sue named Anne, and apparently, like Veela, Mary-Sues spawn only more of their own (Ron also married a Mary-Sue, named Faye). She gets her letter and goes to Hogwarts with the obligatory Children Of Other Major Characters Who Just Happen To Be Her Age, and - oh, woe! - is sorted into Slytherin.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Harry's daughter.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned

NOTES: This is... readable. It's just really got nothing to make it interesting, and the author can be terribly wordy.

SAMPLE: ( They All Grew Up And Married Mary-Sues. )

Am really sleepy today for no especial reason. Five more days to vote.

This week is Henry VIII Week, and so our first Sue is named Catalina, after Catalina of Aragon, who is more usually known by the English version of her name, Catherine. In her mid-teens, Princess Catalina was brought to England to marry Prince Henry's older brother, Prince Arthur (I've always wondered - if he'd become King, would he have been Arthur I or Arthur II?), but he died young and probably without ever consummating the marriage. For a few years she just sort of hung around England without much to do, then married Henry. She had a lot of problems with pregnancy and there were several stillbirths and miscarriages, as well as one healthy daughter, the Princess Mary who grew up to become Queen 'Bloody' Mary, the only ruler of England ever immortalized as a drink. Eventually, Henry got tired of her and divorced her to marry younger, thinner Anne Boleyn. Catalina died a few years later, convinced to the very end that she was Henry's only legitimate wife.

TITLE: Beautiful Things
PERPETRATOR: crazykitt3n (Megatokyo has a lot to answer for.)

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Catalina Rain. That sounds like a country song, actually.
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'long dark brown hair ', 'her hair never seemed to tangle in the wind' - definitely a Sue trait.
EYES: 'beautiful brown eyes', 'her eyes change colors when she cries'. I'm picturing this sobbing Sue with psychedelic disco eyes.
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: a bonus-Sue friend named Roxanne (and now I will have that damn song stuck in my head all night).

ORIGIN: Apparently she's Irish. She's also a 'real' seeress, which is how she knows that Sirius Black wasn't a murderer. Trelawney resigns so that Our Sueoine can take her job at Hogwarts.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Is Sirius Black's old girlfriend. They have a mushy reunion.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: as noted, a 'real' seeress. I was under the impression that Trelawney was also a 'real' seeress, just somewhat sporadic about it.

NOTES: You know how we keep complaining about Sues without paragraph breaks? I think I've discovered where they all went.

If somebody who was supposed to be such an amazing 'real' seeress said 'Sirius didn't do it', don't you think people would listen to her? Just a thought...

SAMPLE: ( Let's Angst! )