If I find out which one of you alerted this Suethor to the journal, I will ban you. No joke. I have told you all time and time again not to run off to the stories to let the Suethors know. I'm tired of dealing with the fallout, and I'm tired of seeing your flames. Maybe banning will make you realize that I'm serious.


TITLE: The Crown Jewel of Slytherin
PERPETRATOR: Queen_of_Two_Worlds
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Kiame "Kia" Lestrange
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: black with white bangs.
EYES: emerald green "shot" with silver
MARKINGS: not described
POSSESSIONS: a "black-covered three-foot-high" bed, "four-inch wedge heels",

ORIGIN: 900 years ago a prophesy was made saying that she would be the true heir to Slytherin. Set in the Marauder's Era.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Is Bellatrix's sister. I assume she's Narcissa and Andromeda's sister, too. Gryffindor friends, such as Lily and the Marauders. She is Remus' girlfriend. She is friends with Snape as well, and he is her male "Silver Snake" counterpart in the "Secret Circle of Hogwarts".
SPECIAL ABILITIES: She is "one of the most powerful witches to ever live was telepathy". Told to us by the third paragraph. She is a "a wine connoseiur".

NOTES: Castles a thousand years ago were very basic and the Tudors would never base their castles on them. Try researching next time, thanks.


( Castille? That's not English. )

Link of the Day: Congratulations to fellow minion treeson for having their story, Well Roared, Lion, win the "Beadle and Bard Award" at The Dark Mark. If you are a member of the forum you can enter into a "book club" style discussion about the story here.

Thanks to rowenaraven13 for sending in today's first Sue!

TITLE: Learning to Live
PERPETRATOR: smithchickx13
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Xeomara "Zee" Elizabeth Raes
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: " long dark brown hair(or black if you want because I mean really dark!) that falls in loose curls(naturally) to my waist"
EYES: "Big deep blue eyes"
MARKINGS: 5'0", 110 lbs. Scars on her face/shoulder.
POSSESSIONS: some character profile letter she wrote about the five of them.

ORIGIN: There wasn't four Marauders, you know, there were five! She is a descendant of Rowena Ravenclaw and Godric Gryffindor.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: She is in Gryffindor and she is the first member of her family not to be sorted into Ravenclaw. Her parents hate her for it, and her family are supporters of Voldemort. James is her "best friend" and her "partner in crime". She thinks Sirius is hot and is protective of Remus. Actually likes Peter. Her parents use dark magic on her and then she gets depressed and doesn't eat for "two and a half" weeks gaining a lot of attention from all of the Marauders. Then her first day back she goes out with the Marauders for Remus' transformation, and Remus swipes her, giving her hideous scars on her face.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Is a tiger animagus and calls herself "Stripes".

NOTES: She is so amazing that she get's James to bitch out Lily:
When I finished my stories the boys looked shock at my perfectly made up story. “I cannot believe you five! Running off into the forest at night! There is a reason why it’s forbidden you know, because something like this could happen! Oh, Zee, your face your pretty face” Lily finished sadly.

“Are you implying Evans that Xeomara look’s ugly now?” James asked coldly.

“No, I would never-“

James cut her off “Well it sure sounds like it to me. Because let me tell you something Evans, Xeomara is still beautiful and those scars on her face show how much bravery she has, something you’ll never have. So I suggest you keep your damned mouth shut!” With that he turned and stalked out of the common room down the great hall. I was shocked, James never yelled at Lily. Sure they argued but it was more on Lily’s part than on James. Lily seemed to be thinking along the same lines because he eyes filled with tears.

What? No guy would ever pull the "Are you saying I'm/she's fat/ugly/stupid?" b.s.

( Here's all of the glorious information I want to share about the four guys, and my hair colour! )

TITLE: A Girl Named Cynthia
PERPETRATOR: CynthiaBellatrixLestrange Ohhhhhhhh my...
SUE-O-METER: (troll)

FULL NAME: Guess? It's Cynthia! Cynthia Black aka Cynthia Bellatrix Lestrange.
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: "waist long, black, and very curly". It changes colour.
EYES: "heavy lidded, pitch black, and can be very intimidating"
MARKINGS: "I am only about 14 hands tall, unless I change it." Is this a horse reference? I'm not a horse fan so I have no idea. I think it is though, which makes it even more ridiculous. She is tan.
POSSESSIONS: Two horses: "Sugar, who is a bay quarter horse, that is 16 hands tall and still growing, that is an English horse, and Freckles, who is an Appaloosa gelding, that is grey with spots, and 15 hands tall." Yes, this Sue has a pony. A broken wand: "It was a cheap, fifteen dollar, redwood, of phoenix ash core that was 12 and ¾ inches". A mp3 player that plays Evanescence,

ORIGIN: East Texas. She gets to live with her relatives, the Weasleys, because she has been "kicked out of Beuxbatons, Durmstrang and East Texas Dark Arts institute". Again, why would Hogwarts take her? My favourite: "The people I live with are werewolves, and I am a human adapted to a vampire life, so it doesn’t always work out." Where in the hell did that come from?
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Something "happened" when she was younger, and that's why she wasn't able to live with her cousin, Ginny. Is related to almost everyone. She has no idea that Bellatrix is her mother, despite having contact with Draco and his family. She has "Slytherin bloodlines", so she is probably Voldemort's daughter.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: She was sorted three times. Each time she was placed in Slytherin. On the fourth go around she is sorted into Gryffindor. She is "adapted" to vampire life for some reason. Is a "high ranked auror" despite being twelve.

NOTES: What made me say this was a troll? Well, besides the profile, this line in the story really gave it away: "I was worn out from having to catch some coon and possi for lunch."

This troll amuses me greatly, at least in chapter one. Chapter two went down the shitter.

( Jesus take the wheel. )

Link of the Day: "Hey, i know that man [Jesus]. He was around the Dursley's in a photo frame, I think I am related to him" Harry claimed.. What?!

Two Christmas/Jesus related Stus today!

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Greatest Power Ever Known
PERPETRATOR: downey boy
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Harry Potter
SPECIES: Super Wizard
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: a "Magical Core" that the Founders complete. Completed it creates the "Phoenixes Maximus Spell planted within Harry's very Magical Core, waiting to be unleashed and Call upon those who will Re-Awaken Jesus' Spirit." A box from Dumbledore that is labeled for Aunt Petunia: "The Day He Moves Out and Tells You What To Do". In the box is "PURE MAGIC" that Harry knows will help him raise "the Good Dead Ones", James, Lily, Sirius, as long as they have a piece of their soul imprinted on his soul. It sounds like Harry's soul is a sticker book, and he collects souls as stickers.

ORIGIN: Harry Potter receives his "full inheritance" from the Founders at the end of sixth year. He gets to bring back Jesus. There is some sort of prophecy made: "You must know that Harry will become more powerful then the Ancient Ones of Time. He will inherit the Powers of all Powers! He is Desendant of the first real Magician who walked this Earth! He is going to be a very special young man when he grows up! He is going to have the Special Powers of 3 of the Good Founders of Hogwarts thrust upon him! He will be called THE True Guardian of Light! He will bring upon his friends the Other Great Powers of The True Guardians Of The Light! The Time will come when Powers be unleashed and all Hell will break loose, but it will not be today! The Time will come when all bonds of fellowship will break, but it is not this day! A Time when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! On this day, the Good will make a stand and destroy the Evil that threatens to take over this world for his own! And sometimes, there is no Good or Evil, but there is Power and those too weak to seek it!" So he's related to Jesus as well, or Merlin. Probably Jesus.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Three of the founders, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff have to "watch over" Harry now that Dumbledore is gone. He needs their help "to Re-Awaken the Great Spirits of Jesus and His Disciples to help him protect those who he cannot protect himself, and destroy the Dark Lord." He is the heir to the three "good" founders. Snaps at Hermione and Ron, but then apologizes to them. Goes back to the "Durselies" and tells them to flee. His aunt and uncle agree and sort of worship him. Then he writes a letter to the "Weaselies" giving them a crap-load of instructions, it's hilarious. Harry was named Head of the OotP, but steps aside due to his "mission" and tells Remus to take over. Then he opens this magical box, and "pure magic" flows out, "filling his reserve" and filling Aunt Petunia's reserve, giving her magical powers.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: His "full inheritance" includes "the Ancient Power to ReAwaken Jesus and His Deciples". Can feel the presence of people in other rooms. When focusing on the "presence" he can see their faces. He can feel emotions in the air, and stop people's physical actions with his own mind/wandless magic. Can "delve deep" into Voldemort's mind to see what he is planning. Only "PURE MAGIC" flows through him, which is undetectable by the Ministry. Dumbledore had it, as well, but not as "strong" as Harry's.

NOTES: I often find that Stuthors who are male write the worst Stus.

( This is absolutely absurd )

TITLE: The Tale of Elizabeth Riddle: Sister of The Serpent
PERPETRATOR: SiriusxRemus4life
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Elizabeth Isabella Rosemary Cecilia Merope Riddle-Dashwood
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: "long hair of the blackest black"
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: "high cheekbones and highly aristocratic features, a pale complexion"
POSSESSIONS: a "sapphire organza" dress, a "laced handkerchief", a snake named Melchior who talks to her like that balding pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean.

ORIGIN: She is Voldemort's long lost twin sister. She was raised by a "Cecilia Dashwood".
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: She is Slytherin's "heir". Voldemort learns of the existence of his sister, and feels he has a say in who she marries.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: In the summary it states that she is "beautiful, rich, intelligent, and kind". Well, that's everything Suey isn't it? She is a Parselmouth.

NOTES: I think this Suethor thinks that the 1950s were the equivalent of the early 1800s. I feel like I'm reading a trashy romance novel set in the past.

( I'm picturing some over-wrought emotion, like on a romance novel cover, while I read this. )

Link of the Day: Two Hearts, Reunited, a fic where Ginny refuses to believe Harry is dead, carries his corpse around the house, and then kills herself. What a way to start a Monday! Thanks ladysugarquill!

Thanks to omgwtfsuzie for sending in today's Stu!

TITLE: Transcendence
PERPETRATOR: oStilloDreamingo
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Harry Potter aka Lord Potter-Black-Gryffindor
SPECIES: Wizard/Shadow Fae
HAIR: "longish", raven
EYES: emerald
MARKINGS: tall, pale
POSSESSIONS: Several vaults, Dobby, a "Chalice of Inheritance", three signet rings, a "Magical Coin Purse", a glamoured cloak, a jade pendant. A pet snake named Isis.

ORIGIN: Typical Harry Potter origins. Takes place in sixth year.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Harry leaves the Dursleys, and heads to Gringotts. While there he learns that he has several vaults. He enlists the Goblins to help return everything Dumbeldore has taken from them. He employs Dobby.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Wandless magic outside of Hogwarts, with no repercussions. Speaks Parseltongue whenever he feels like it. He has "mage-site": "When a witch or wizard is able to see magic in its primal form by focusing their magic on their retina". It happens when you are stressed. On his sixteenth birthday, he inherits his "creature", he develops into a Shadow Fae. What does a Shadow Fae do? "Apparently the Shadow Fae are sighted about once or twice every decade, that too by complete accident. They seldom lingered to chat or be observed. All people have been able to report was that they appeared elfin but not as tall, possessed dark hair, pale skin, and pale eyes and had the ability to melt into shadows to escape."

NOTES: I find most of these "Dark!Harry" stories are the same. Everyone sucks except Draco. The Weasleys suck the most. It would be nice to see a Dark!Harry story where Harry remains on the Order's side, but just has a lot of internal conflict, bitterness, and angst. Not just a bad case of "Asshole".

( Long story short: you are a special unique snowflake. )

Two Sues today! One makes up for the one I missed on Tuesday!

Random OT rambling: Does anyone know why I can't find the SNL Digital Short "Dear Sister" anywhere? I wanted to send the link to someone who didn't see it. :( Thank you!!! :D

TITLE: Tom Riddle's Little Secret
PERPETRATOR: Draco's Dark Lady
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger aka Lana Amore Riddle
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: "straight light-blonde hair that made it to her mid-back"
EYES: "icy-blue"
MARKINGS: taller than what she used to be.
POSSESSIONS: A "too tight" shirt and "tight low-rise jeans" that don't fit her anymore. She has a plain white skirt and a "loose fitting pink camisole", "a pair of tight low-rise dark blue jeans and a blue corset top".
A swanky new bedroom: "a double door with a golden plaque that read Lana Amore Riddle. After a few moments they steeped inside. The room was decorated in lavenders and baby blues. The silk bed sheets were pale lavender and the duvet was a dark purple. The walls were painted baby blue and matched the accessories placed around the room. Off to the right was another door. It led to a giant bathroom about the size of her bedroom. The huge in-ground bathtub twice the size of the one in the prefects’ bathroom was made of solid gold. The walls were white with gold flecks with a matching white heated-tile floor. The accessories in the room were all gold or gold colored.

Once back in her bedroom she noticed a door in the other side of the room and found it to be a walk-in closet. It was half the size of her bedroom and three walls were lined with rows and rows of clothes. On the fourth wall were racks of shoes. The ceiling was a giant mirror along with the back of the door."

She has a theater room, and a DVD closet, and a "48 in. plasma screen television".

ORIGIN: Hermione Granger, who lives in a manor, gets transformed into her real identity on her seventeenth birthday. Then her adoptive parents tell her the truth about her real parents, Lord Voldemort and his former fiancee "Amore Phoenix".
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: She is Voldemort's daughter, and Slytherin' heir. She is resorted into Slytherin. She is Head Girl at Hogwarts, and Draco is Head Boy. Voldemort learns that she is dating Viktor Krum, so he kills him. LOL! Daddies are so funny!!!11!! After a touching father-daughter chat she accepts his reasoning. Voldemort wants her to marry Draco or Blaise. So he makes them spend time with her, and one time they run off to a muggle nightclub. Voldemort isn't happy, and Crucios everyone, but then all is explained and then they go off to watch "Without a Paddle". Then Draco asks her out on a date, and she accepts. Then Voldemort interrupts them to tell them that in four months they will be married. Happy, they run off to go watch some TV.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Upon learning that Voldemort is her father: "She was shocked she always knew she was a bad girl on the inside, but never evil enough to be his daughter."

NOTES: Apparently Hermione/Lana started liking Draco in third year. She punched him, instead of using her wand so she would be able to touch him. O-kaaay.

( Visualizing this in my mind makes it one hundred times worse. )

Thanks to elethian for sending in today's Stu!

TITLE: White Mage
PERPETRATOR: Hatake Sakumo
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Harry Potter aka Lord Harry James Gaunt Potter Slytherin aka Alexander Octivious Salazar Gaunt
SPECIES: White Mage
HAIR: "His hair was now paper white and reached halfway down his back"
EYES: "his eyes had gone from green to silver"
MARKINGS: "First he had aged, now he looked to be twenty-four and looked quite imposing. He was at least 6 foot 2. [...] His skin looked softer and was paler then before, more like a Malfoy’s. His fingernails also looked like they had been manicured. He still looked like he was related to Lily Potter but he no longer looked anything like James."
POSSESSIONS: Slytherin's secret library. A "wooden box with a silver snake on the lid" with "a Slytherin green robe, some money, directions to Salazar’s many homes, and his vault number" inside.

ORIGIN: Harry gets a letter one day telling him that he is related to Slytherin, and that everything he has learned is a lie. Slytherin knows all of this because he was a Seer. He also tells him that when Harry turns 17, he is going to turn into a powerful Mage.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Is the last heir of Slytherin, not Voldemort. Dumbledore manipulates Harry, and Snape is on Harry's side. After Harry turns into a White Mage, he graduates and asks Dumbledore if he can be the new DADA professor. Then he finds out that he and Snape are distant cousins and he is also related to Rowena Ravenclaw. Harry and Snape might be paired together.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Seer. Can speak Parseltongue. He is going to be "more powerful then the Mage, Merlin, himself". What is a White Mage? Well, one of Harry's books tells him:
White Mages are extremely rare. They are more powerful wizards and are pure of heart. Meaning that they have committed no crimes or sins. It is not an inherited thing. It only happens to certain people on their seventeenth birthday. Most tend to under go some personality changes.

You can usually tell if a person is a White Mage if they have silky white hair, grey, silver, or white eye colouring, and pale skin. They look to be permanently stuck at the age of twenty-four, never aging. White or ‘Light’ Mages also tend to radiate power without being aware that they are doing it. If they fit that description ask them a question, if they lie, they aren’t a White Mage, seeing as a White Mage cannot tell lies.

It is unknown if White Mages are immortal, but we do know that they can break all the laws concerning magic. They do not need to do hand movements when doing a spell nor do they need a wand or speak the words. They can just wish it and it will be done. These Mages are said to be telepathic. It also seems that they can go backwards or forwards in time, go into alternate universes, and even see the past and future of someone, a place, or of an object in up most clarity. Most usually end up telling people of their futures for thousands of years.

There have only been ten White Mages recorded to ever exist. The most recent person to inherit the title of White Mage is Harry “Potter” or otherwise Gaunt.

NOTES: "AN: Do you want this to be a slash story or a male/female relationship? Even though there cousins I could do a Snarry if you wanted me too. Some of you are probably gagging at the very thought of that hahaha. The relationship between Harry and whomever you want (except for Ginny) will not play a large role (unless maybe if it's Snape)." Why don't you have a plan?

( Why don't you just make an OC? )

Thanks to catalinaormand for today's Sue!


TITLE: Aurora Louise Black
PERPETRATOR: JuliannaKatherina
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Aurora "Rory" Louise Black
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: dark and long
EYES: "I have amber brown lionlike eyes normally", "a pair of fathomless grey eyes. The exact color of eyes I had when I was sad".
MARKINGS: a "peaches and cream complexion".
POSSESSIONS: a chip on her shoulder.

ORIGIN: Sirius' bountiful loins and some Sue-mother named Lareyna Reagan's womb.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Is Sirius Black's daughter. She is like a baby sister to Tonks. She is the heir to Gryffindor. She attended Beauxbatons Academy of Magic and graduated early. She feels like she is entitled to the sword of Gryffindor. She feels that she is stuck in Harry's shadow. What the hell? You took some reach-ahead courses at Beauxbatons, and now you are better than Harry frickin' Potter? I don't think so. She resents him because "If Lord Voldemort hadn't killed his parents in attempt to kill Harry. My life would have been far from what it had been. Dad would have been with Mum and I." Despite her hatred, she falls for his amazing eyes. Ginny hates her.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: According to Sirius: "... she is very intelligent and rebellious. Like me." She is able to worm secrets out of Moody. She is great at Quiddich. A temper.

NOTES: So conceited and self-centered! I can't stand it!

( Someone should call the wahambulance! )

I have quite a lot to do today and probably won't be home until past midnight, so you guys get a super-duper early sue!

TITLE: Bloody Hell!
PERPETRATOR: Serena R. Snape (guesses what the 'R' stands for? Anybody?)

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Harriet Kiara Potter-Snape, AKA Hekele, which sounds like a Hawaiian volcano.
SPECIES: youkai/witch
HAIR: 'She still had black hair with red highlights, but it was longer and curly, not messy'
EYES: 'Her eyes still had their emerald colour. However, they sparkled with innocence'
MARKINGS: pointy ears and stripey cheeks.
POSESSIONS: a nifty sword. A black and green kimono. And wings.

ORIGIN: Okay. Harry is the heir of all four founders plus Merlin. He's also really the son of Snape and Lily, who left her first husband when she found out he was a Death Eater and married James Potter on the rebound. Then a spell turns Harry into a girl. And then she becomes a youkai. And then my brain exploded.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Canon is slowly disintegrating before our eyes.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: telepathic, wandless magic, youkai stuff, blah blah speshul speshul sue blah.

NOTES: It's an heirs-of-the-founders, Severitus Challenge, Inuyasha Crossover taco show.

...

It's like badfic bingo, isn't it? "Under the B - anime crossover!" "Under the G - gender bending!" "BINGO!" "Aw, man... all I needed was O-Mpreg!"

SAMPLE: ( So Many Kinds Of Screwed Up. )

Another crossover-Sue!

TITLE: A Rose at Hogwarts
PERPETRATOR: AnimeMaster1

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Kodachi Kuno of the line of Hecate
SPECIES: human/witch
HAIR: Black, I guess.
EYES: Black?
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: a wand. She was too special for a wand from Ollivander's, so she had to go see somebody named Lulu and get one that's 'nine and one half inches, willow wood with a core of Baetylic stone'. Some kind of pet dragon creature (a 'Dratini', which is apparently a pokemon) she named Chibi-USA.

ORIGIN: She's descended from the Goddess Hecate, who is also the fifth founder of Hogwarts, and somehow related to the Japanese Emperor. And she's going to Hogwarts, and determined to be really bloody aloof and annoying the whole time, as well as stealing stuff from the books just to show how much more special she is than Harry.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: There's no canon in this so far. And where canon does show through the cracks, the Sue promptly pushes it aside and goes and does something more special.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: I'm sure she has them in spades, but they haven't been described yet.

NOTES: If I were a dragon-creature that took exception to being referred to as 'it', I'd sure as hell bite somebody who decided to name me 'Chibi-USA'.

Interesting to compare today's to yesterday's... both are crossovers between Harry Potter and a world that it's really not too much of a stretch to integrate with it (Labyrinth yesterday, Ranma 1/2 today). Neither really show any concrete signs of plot. And yet yesterday's was amusing and halfway entertaining while today's makes me want to kill something violently. Maybe it's that yesterday's was trying so hard not to be a Sue, while today's is taking every possible opportunity to go OMG LOOK SHE'S SO SPECIAL!

SAMPLE: ( Why Couldn't Voldemort Have Finished The Damn Job? )

I have just spent another day being nice to complete assholes while way-too-happy christmas music grinds into my skull from every direction. I do not feel like being kind tonight.

TITLE: Secret Past, Unknown Future
PERPETRATOR: SeleneAndromeda2005

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Selene Aurora Andromeda
SPECIES: human/witch
HAIR: 'I have raven-colored hair that flows to the top of my thigh.'
EYES: 'My proudest features are my eyes. They change colors, but not the normal ones you would expect. At the moment, my left eye is purple and my right is light blue.'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: An extra-special wand: 'twelve-inch, eucalyptus wand with both a phoenix feather and a unicorn hair'

ORIGIN: The last descendant of Godric Gryffindor, parents murdered by Voldemort, adopted by a wizarding family who didn't tell her the truth about her past, etc.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Makes friends with Fred and George. Is either going to end up with one of the twins or with Draco, who appears to be an old enemy.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: 'Even though I am in my fifth year, I know more magic than the average fifth-year student may know…' She's our second 'complete animagus', somebody who can change into any animal, but unlike Serenity Starbreeze, it seems she's famous for it. Can also speak any language, communicate with animals, and control peoples' dreams.

NOTES: This only gets an 'awful' because I'm pretty sure it's intentional. If it wasn't, it would be 'toxic', most definitely.

SAMPLE: ( I'm Too Tired For This Nonsense... )

ironychan says she's working on a 'Which Memorable Pottersue Are You?' quiz as a Christmas present for us all, so keep watching this space.

TITLE: Serenity Karmen's fourth year at Hogwarts (I would just like to say, right now, that this is not another Jessica Kayes - this is the author's only story)
PERPETRATOR: kittykatt33

SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Serenity Karmen (I'm so damn sick of Serenities that I don't even have anything snarky to say here)
SPECIES: human/witch
HAIR: 'brown hair, which seems to have a golden tint in the sunlight'
EYES: 'Her eyes are a dark ocean blue color'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: A Nimbus 2001, a grey cat named Silver, a magical necklace of some sort, and two bonus-Sue best friends whose names I cannot be bothered to remember.

ORIGIN: One of the last remaining direct descendants of Rowena Ravenclaw (question: is there such a thing as an indirect descendant?). For some reason, she's so amazingly important that Voldemort is personally after her, and Dumbledore becomes secret-keeper of the fact that she's at Hogwarts to keep her safe.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Makes friends with Harry, Ron, and Hermione on the train, having somehow failed to meet them in the previous three years. Will probably fall in love with Harry.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none so far

NOTES: What is so bloody hard about the concept of 'new speaker, new paragraph'? I mean, really... does the fact that every published book in existance uses that format mean nothing to these people?

This probably deserves an 'awful', but I was too bored by it to want to give it anything more noteworthy than a 'bad'.

SAMPLE: ( It's Written In Present Tense... )

Serena Week, day six. Another heiress of Slytherin!

TITLE: Serena Slytherin
PERPETRATOR: Serena Slytherin

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Wait for it... yup, it's 'Serena Slytherin'!
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: dark blonde. 'It's past my waist now, and black, though I recently dyed the ends silver. Silver is my favorite color, in case you hadn't noticed.' Oh, yes, we noticed.
EYES: 'more green than blue'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: a cat named Moonbeam.

ORIGIN: Salazar Slytherin's great-granddaughter. See the 'notes' section.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Thinks Draco's hot. So what's new?
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none yet.

NOTES: Fic title, author's name, and Sue name all identical. The same name is also her email address: serena_slytherin@eminem.com. And the fic itself is written in the first-person.

No good can come of this.

So... Salazar Slytherin's great-granddaughter. She actually says great-granddaughter, so considering that Mr. Slytherin lived a thousand years ago, we're working with Exodus-type generations here. Salazar lived two hundred and eighty-four years and begat... oh, I don't know... what are some long, pretentious S-names? Sebastian. And Sebastian lived three hundred and twelve years and begat Seigfried, and the total of his years was four hundred and ninety-five...

SAMPLE: ( PH34R Serena-Sue's Biting Wit... And Her Random Urge To Bitchslap Hermione. )

Well, I've done theme weeks before... Tribute to Sirius Week, DracoFan626 Week, Bad Anime Crossover Week...

This week is Serena Week.

Enjoy.

TITLE: The Princess' Love
PERPETRATOR: Serena-17

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Princess Serenity, 'heir of the Slytherin thrown'. No, seriously, it says that.
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'long, silky, black hair'
EYES: 'Her brown eyes sparkled in the candlelight.'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: The requisite lovely princess dresses. I'm betting this author is about 12.

ORIGIN: Daughter of King John and Queen Malory of Slytherin, and 'heir to the Slytherin thrown'. Excuse me while I refuse to get over that.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Is betrothed to Prince Draco of the House of Malfoy, but in love with her best friend, Prince Harry of Gryffindor.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Giving me nausea.

NOTES: 'Heir to the Slytherin thrown'. That, ladies and gentlemen, has got to be the funniest damn typo I ever saw in my life.

SAMPLE: ( 'Heir To The Slytherin Thrown'. )

Well, we've got ygosues and sailormoonsues, and it seems there's a ffsues in the works. I am tempted to wonder if this isn't getting a wee bit out of hand, but I suppose you can't have too many 'Sue of the Day' journals... not when there are most certainly too many sues!

Only two more days! Get those nominations in!

TITLE: She Snake: Slytherin Returns
PERPETRATOR: SheSnake

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Sandra Slytherin, called She Snake by everybody... professors included.
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'long black and gold braids'
EYES: 'honey colored almond shaped eyes'
MARKINGS: none
POSESSIONS: A pet snake of some description.

ORIGIN: The 'true' heiress of Slytherin. Her father, Sloane Slytherin, moved to America and married a woman named Relohnda Beltane, but now has sent his daughter back to Hogwarts, where 'true Slytherins' belong.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Draco's new best friend and girlfriend. Umbridge adores her... apparently it was Our Sueoine's father who gave Umbridge that quill, which had been passed down from Salazar Slytherin himself. She gave Umbridge the idea to inspect other professors. Pansy Parkinson is jealous of her for dating Draco.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: A parselmouth, naturally. And a metamorphmagus. It's a good thing she's not an animagus, as well, or this would have been the last Potter Sue of the Day... I would have committed honourable hara-kiri with a spork.

NOTES: Ladies and gentlemen, our first metamorphmagus Sue. Half-decent writing notwithstanding, I have no problem rating this one a 'toxic.'

SAMPLE: ( You Will Not Fucking Believe This )

This has nothing to do with the Sue I'm about to shred, but does anybody else get a bit annoyed at gratuitous use of the word 'mudblood' in HP fics? I'm guilty of a couple of casual uses of it myself, but I try to refrain; I've gotten the impression that it's considered extremely rude, that calling a muggle-born person a 'mudblood' is equivalent to calling a black person a 'nigger'.

Or am I imagining things?

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
PERPETRATOR: Jeanne Gryffin

SUE-O-METER: (how bad is it?)

	WRITING:
	SUEAGE:
	WRONGNESS:

FULL NAME: Jeanne Gryffin (uhoh)
SPECIES: Human/Muggle who suddenly gains magical powers
HAIR: "brownish red hair"
EYES: brown eyes
MARKINGS: A scar on her shoulder shaped like a Phoenix
POSESSIONS: None so far, but I'm sure some are coming.

ORIGIN: Hard to say... she just sort of appears
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Apparently there's a prophecy that some 'heir' is going to return and help Harry beat Voldemort. I'm guessing we will soon hear the words 'heir of Gryffindor' in this story.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can do all kinds of advanced magic without ever having been to Hogwarts. It 'just comes to her'.

NOTES: Beware the Sue with the same name as the author.

The entire first chapter of this story is the 'the Harry Potter Universe belongs to J. K. Rowling, not me' disclaimer. The second chapter is one paragraph, which is titled 'Intro to the Story', and is worth quoting in full.

After 57 years when the evil wizard was destroyed by Dumbledore, she disappeared but now the prophecy returns to help the heir. But which heir is it? No one knows who the prophecy is but only Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix know and have sworn to protect the Prophecy. The years have passed and she is the balance to save the world again after many years. The prophecy experiences new things such as love, friendship, and becomes more powerful. Her life is endangered for most wizards seek her to cause great destruction.

Translation from Fangirlese into English: Hi! I'm here to write a flagrant and horrendous Mary-Sue... but don't try to tell me that, because I will cry and compare you to Osama.

You know, I don't think I have anything to add to that.

SAMPLE: ( Witness Mary-Sue's 1337 M4G1C P0W3R5! )