And our last Flower-Sue. I couldn't find enough Sues that tried to set themselves in some semblance of the actual medieval period to do a Medieval Sue Week (although I did find some damn creative ways to spell 'medieval' - is that really such a difficult word?), so instead, next week will be Princess Week.

I really wanted to do a WONDROUS VULVA PUPPET week, but couldn't find enough Sues to fill a week without repeating names. So sad.

It ought to go without saying, by the way, that you probably don't want to click that link...

Anyway:

TITLE: Harry Potter and the long lost cousin (nothing good can come of that...)
PERPETRATOR: Karma50 (my karma just ran over your dogma)

SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Rosemary Ann Potter, whom everybody calls Rose.
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'long black hair'
EYES: 'green eyes'
MARKINGS: 'She had a twinkle that meant adventure, but the thing that Harry saw straight away was the lightening shaped scar on her hand she was trying to hide...'
POSESSIONS: A fluff ball. Named 'Twinkle'. Which is 'golden and had green eyes'. It wears a pink collar, because it's a girl. I didn't know there were tribbles at Hogwarts.

ORIGIN: Her father was James Potter's brother - her parents got murdered by Voldemort but she miraculously survived. Gosh, where have we heard that before? She was raised in a Muggle orphanage and is now going to Hogwarts, having been sorted into Gryffindor.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Harry's long-lost cousin.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: surviving Avada Kedavra.

NOTES: The title of the first chapter is Cousin? What Cousin?, which sums my thoughts up very nicely, thank you.

There's a part where Harry tells Rose 'I would like to be more than friends with you, I’d like to be family.' Um... am I the only one here with a dirty little mind? 'Cause this is two Implied Incest Sues in a row, here.

SAMPLE: ( Cousin? What Cousin? )

Just another Sue...

TITLE: The Future Begins Now (it usually does)
PERPETRATOR: MoTiVaTmEGCMeSt (... what?)

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Violet Riddle
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'her straight platium blonde hair ran down to the middle of her back'
EYES: 'icy gray eyes'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: an evil smile and heaps of black satin shit. Actually, ther are loads of evil smiles in this... Voldemort's got one, too. Must run in the family.

ORIGIN: Do I even need to?
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Voldemort's daughter, all the Death Eaters think she rocks, is dating Draco, yadda.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned.

NOTES: Consider the title: 'the Future Begins Now'. Well, yes, that it does. Technically, anything that hasn't happened yet as of now is, indeed, the future, and so the future always begins now. By definition, it couldn't begin at any other time. If you think about it, the past also ends now... which might leave you wondering, how long, precisely, is 'now'? Since 'now' is kind of an abstraction, one could say that it is, in fact, a durationless instant... 'now' has zero length, and the past and future meet precisely at...

Er... well, anyway.

Another gorgeous Voldemort's Daughter Sue. I note that this one has white-blonde hair and gray eyes, which sounds a lot like the Malfoy family. Somehow, the story actually seems like it would be more interesting if there were incest involved.

SAMPLE: ( Feeeeeeeel Teh 3B1L. )

This one's disclaimer includes something about not owning the song lyrics. Never a good start.

TITLE: Girls! (Sues!)
PERPETRATOR: Hattie1

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Magnolia, though it appears to change to 'Magdoline' from time to time. Plus a Hermione-Sue and a Ginny-Sue.
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'her white-blonde hair showing a halo around her heart-shaped face', 'crown of amazing white hair'
EYES: 'piercingly blue eyes'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: none mentioned

ORIGIN: Magnolia/Magdoline, Hermione, and Ginny are the three most gorgeous and popular girls at Hogwarts! I'm sure that any minute now, Lindsay Lohan will be along to take 'em down...
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: This bears no resemblance to canon at all.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: pissing me off.

NOTES: When a fic begins by describing Hermione's perfect teeth, that's generally a sign that there will be no trace of canon in it anywhere.

SAMPLE: ( *Head In Hands* )

You know how one of the defining characteristics of Mary-Sues is that everybody loves 'em? Well, I've never seen a better example.

TITLE: High FlyingAdored
PERPETRATOR: dreamer17

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Daisy Bell
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'Her golden hair had grown and now hung in defined waves around her face.'
EYES: 'Her turquoise eyes smiled and danced, lighting up her whole face.' I'm picturing these two eyeballs with vaudeville hats and canes, doing a tap dance and telling corny jokes...
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: Oliver Wood

ORIGIN: Oliver Wood's former best friend, who went off to 'Merlin's Academy of Figure Broomstick Racing' (the hell...?) for three years and is now back at Hogwarts, ten times more beautiful than ever!
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Everybody loves her. I mean everybody. Oliver is angsting because he's hot for her but she's his best friend.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: 1337 Quidditch skills. Making everybody at Hogwarts think she's the greatest thing ever.

NOTES: Most 'toxics' get that way by being badly-written... this isn't quite that terrible, but it still rates on sheer Sue Factor. I haven't seen this many of the clichés met in one story since Ron and the Potion of Sacrifice. The Mary-Sue is unbelievably gorgeous, amazingly talented, and adored by all (except, of course, for the evil people)... you don't often find such an exemplary Sparklypoo. I wish I could believe that both the story and the reviews are sarcastic, but I can't.

SAMPLE: ( I Think I'm Going To Be Sick. )

It was supposed to rain today, but it didn't... instead, it's just been gray and depressing and sweltery. Ick.

TITLE: Flowers of the Evans Garden
PERPETRATOR: PaintChickCV

SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Azalea Evans (Azalea? What's next? Gladiola Potter? Columbine Black? Bleeding Heart Riddle?)
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: Brown
EYES: 'bright green eyes'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: an owl named Frodo.

ORIGIN: Lily Evans and her twin sister are off to Hogwarts! Er... yes, I said twin sister. Hey, at least this one doesn't have fucking wings.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Lily's twin, probably going to be paired with Sirius Black.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned.

NOTES: I actually kind of like the bit where everybody discusses their backgrounds, wizarding or otherwise... sadly, it's not long enough. Otherwise, this is pretty standard Sue-fare.

SAMPLE: ( Yet Another Suethor Barfs Up An Un-Special Sorting Scene. )

Moving along, then...

TITLE: A Wilting Flower
PERPETRATOR: Stitch Bentley

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Camelia Elizabeth Malfoy
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: none mentioned

ORIGIN: The daughter of Draco Malfoy and some other Mary-Sue named Kitara Hutchence, described as 'a pureblooded, wealthy American witch'. Her mother died giving birth to her. She's got an older brother named Aidan and a twin sister named Emica, is the outcast of the family because she was sorted into Gryffindor, and is going to fulfil a prophecy. There's some confusing stuff about conflicting prophecies, second-born twins, and binding powers...
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Draco's daughter.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: amazing angst and clairvoyant dreams.

NOTES: There are also a Bryce and Bridget Potter running around. And the author says this is the first installment in the 'Camelia Chronicles'. Excuse me while I go find a container for my joy.

SAMPLE: ( The Surgeon General Warns You That This Excerpt Contains Potentially Lethal Doses Of Angst )

I'd say after that, we all deserve a break. This week is Flower-Sue Week. And to make the transition nice and smooth, this first one is also a genderbender. No need to thank me.

TITLE: Sunflower
PERPETRATOR: PadfootPrankster13

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Sunflower
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: 'snake green'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: none mentioned

ORIGIN: Slytherin girl who randomly turns up in the Gryffindor common room one day and convinces Lupin to kill Sirius in exchange for watermelon-flavoured gum. Is actually Snape in disguise.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: see above.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: changing gender at will. Amazing powers of seduction. Breaking the fourth wall.

NOTES: This wants to be funny. I mean, it really wants to be funny... it is desperate to be funny, wants it so bad it can taste it, is putting all its energy into striving frantically to be funny...

... and it ain't.

I should have known when the author's note talked about 'very random' that no good was going to come of this.

SAMPLE: ( Can You Feel T3h F0on4y? Really? Yeah, Me Either. )