THE SEVENTH ANNUAL POTTERSUES FAN FICTION CONTEST

WHAT? Bad fan fiction. Or at least bad premises.

WHO? All of the lesbian minions, and anybody else who wants to participate!

WHERE? The Pit of Voles.

WHEN? September 7, 2009 to December 31, 2009.

WHY? Because, as loyal minions we should show our abilities off. And because it is tradition! Links to our previous contest announcements can be found in the Suechives.

HOW? I assign a theme, and you write really bad fan fiction. It doesn't have to be bad, but we all know that if a fic is written poorly it will still get lots of reviews. You can make it a serious attempt, with proper punctuation, grammar, and canon. You can make it nearly illegible, cliched, and OOC. It can be a crossover or AU, it doesn't matter. As long as the rules are followed it will be fine. :) I do want to mention that there are a lot more "sporkers" on fanfiction.net now, so if you make it an obvious troll then you won't get the reviews you need to win.

The rules are as follows:

1) Fics must be posted on the Pit of Voles, sometime between September 7, 2009 and December 31, 2009. You have a maximum of four months in which to collect reviews. Fics posted before September 7 will be disqualified. I'm not picky about time zones, so as long as the 'published on' date on The Pit says it was September 7 where you are, that's fine.

2) You don't have to finish the fic. Heck, you don't have to post more than a single chapter if you don't want to.

3) You don't have to post them under your own username. I'm not that cruel. You can co-author a story with someone, however, it must be posted under one account.

4) The winning fic will be the one with the most signed, positive reviews per chapter. So a one-chapter fic with 12 reviews will beat a two-chapter one with 13.

5) You cannot anywhere on your profile page or in the fic itself note that this is for a contest. People who like it have to like it because they like that sort of thing. I can't stop you, but please don't provide a link in your livejournal. If you get a bunch of your friends on your friends list to read and review it's cheating, and that's not fair.

6) Email me the URL of your story. If I don't know where it is, I can't include it in the judging. My email is pottersues@gmail.com OR pottersues@hotmail.com.

This theme this year is Dumbledore the Matchmaker. Why is Dumbledore and his scheming twinkling blue eyes always the matchmaker between an unlikely couple? Doesn't he have better things to do? Clearly not! Did you want to create the cliched "Head Boy/Girl Shared Dorm" love story? How about the "Master/Apprentice for extra credit" experience? An important piece to Voldemort's puzzle and their protector from the order? The choice is yours!

The only thing you have do is make the main character of your story a Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and they must set up with a romantic interest by good ol' Dumbles. What the plot is after that is up to you. Just make it spork-tastic and put it online for the voles to read and review. It doesn't have to be rated "Toxic" and it doesn't have to be amazing. As long as it exists and it gets reviews, that is all that matters. Canon-Sues are allowed!

Send the URLs of your entries to pottersues at gmail dot com OR pottersues at hotmail dot com... only one entry per fanfiction.net account, please.

First Place will win a 2010 Harry Potter calender, and something else that is both amazing and Harry Potter related.

Second Place will win a prize that has yet to be determined.

At good way to get reviews is to be a review-whore. Give everyone reviews, especially stories just like yours.

Oh, and one other thing... have fun, okay? Don't enter if you're not going to have fun. Fanfiction should be fun to write, fun to read, and fun to mock, so just enjoy yourself and don't take it too seriously. :)

The Sixth Annual Pottersues Fan Fiction Contest Winners are...


1st Place: babygray_dam for their story The Prince and the Merman. It received fourteen signed, positive reviews for chapter one. You will receive your choice of a Harry Potter Goblet of Fire figurine or a Lord Voldemort Goblet of Fire figurine.

2nd Place: parcel_ribbon for their story His Angel. They received six signed positive reviews for chapter one. They will receive the remaining figurine.

If the winners can email me with their mailing address, I'll send their prizes out to them. Does anyone have any problems with using a courier? Canada Post stole some prizes once, and it was the last straw for me and them.

Two of you have reviewed each others story, I was most amused.

Plus I would like to encourage all of you who were flamed to message the people that gave ass-hat reviews of your story and tell them that they were had. :) Make sure you link to the results and announcement. Some of the flames were overreactions, and I hope it serves as PSA to those of you who like to flame the stories here that outright viciousness spewed at a Suethor is always over-the-top.


The other entries were:

morriganscrow and shikishinobi - Harry Potter and the Grim Heratige

babygray_dam - Fire for Hire

Rhianna - The Curse of the Unicorn featuring "miss faeiye le beaut". *giggle*

linwenilid - WINGS?

Catherine - Brand New Day

Anonymous - An Albanian Adventure And Love Story!

Crystal - The Stars that Shine for You

kairiki - missunderstood

lostmustard - Lessons Taught, Lessons Learned

IF - The PotterSue Incarnate

Anonymous - Mysterious Mermaid

Stephanie - an alien at hogwarts

Mar - East of Sun, West of Moon

cosmosmarine - Secrets of the Moon A Draco love story

Emma - SerenaRaven geos 2 hogworts

A.N. - Silver Wind

the_good_ship - Secrets of Moonlight Told

burninglikeice - Vampires Are People Too

There were a lot of great entries this time around! I'm very pleased!

THE SIXTH ANNUAL POTTERSUES FAN FICTION CONTEST

WHAT? Bad fan fiction. Or at least bad premises.

WHO? All of the lesbian minions, and anybody else who wants to participate!

WHERE? The Pit of Voles.

WHEN? September 1, 2008 to December 31, 2008.

WHY? Because, as loyal minions we should show our abilities off. And because it is tradition! Links to our previous contest announcements can be found in the Suechives.

HOW? I assign a theme, and you write really bad fan fiction. It doesn't have to be bad, but we all know that if a fic is written poorly it will still get lots of reviews. You can make it a serious attempt, with proper punctuation, grammar, and canon. You can make it nearly illegible, cliched, and OOC. It can be a crossover or AU, it doesn't matter. As long as the rules are followed it will be fine. :)

The rules are as follows:

1) Fics must be posted on the Pit of Voles, sometime between September 1, 2008 and December 31, 2008. You therefore have thirty days to brainstorm, write, and generally psych yourselves up, and a maximum of four months in which to collect reviews. Fics posted before September 1 will be disqualified. I'm not picky about time zones, so as long as the 'published on' date on The Pit says it was September 1 where you are, that's fine.

2) You don't have to finish the fic. Heck, you don't have to post more than a single chapter if you don't want to.

3) You don't have to post them under your own username. I'm not that cruel. You can co-author a story with someone, however, it must be posted under one account.

4) The winning fic will be the one with the most signed, positive reviews per chapter. So a one-chapter fic with 12 reviews will beat a two-chapter one with 13.

5) You cannot anywhere on your profile page or in the fic itself note that this is for a contest. People who like it have to like it because they like that sort of thing. I can't stop you, but please don't provide a link in your livejournal. If you get a bunch of your friends on your friends list to read and review it's cheating, and that's not fair.

6) Email me the URL of your story. If I don't know where it is, I can't include it in the judging. My email is pottersues@gmail.com OR pottersues@hotmail.com.

This theme this year is Creature Fic. I have no idea what encrouaged this trend, but characters popping up as half-vampire-veela-fairy, or full unicorn-cat-walrus are on the rise. Want to use a mythical creature? Sure! Want to use an animal? No problem! Want to make up your own creature? Great thinking! Want to create a crossover between Harry Potter and Battlestar Galactica where Hermione is secretly a Cylon? The choice is yours!

The only thing you have do is make the main character of your story a Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and they must be part or all creature. What the plot is after that is up to you. Just make it spork-tastic and put it online for the voles to read and review. It doesn't have to be rated "Toxic" and it doesn't have to be amazing. As long as it exists and it gets reviews, that is all that matters.

Send the URLs of your entries to pottersues at gmail dot com OR pottersues at hotmail dot com... only one entry per fanfiction.net account, please.

First Place will wins first choice of either a Harry Potter or Lord Voldemort figurine.

Second Place will win the other figurine.

At good way to get reviews is to be a review-whore. Give everyone reviews, especially stories just like yours.

Oh, and one other thing... have fun, okay? Don't enter if you're not going to have fun. Fanfiction should be fun to write, fun to read, and fun to mock, so just enjoy yourself and don't take it too seriously. :)


See? That wasn't a bad announcement!

The Fifth Annual Pottersues Fan Fiction Contest Winners are...


1st Place: aquidis for their story Never Saw It Coming. It received 20 signed, positive reviews for chapter 3. You will receive a Sorting Hat figurine and Harry Potter Candy!

2nd Place: kay_bird for their story Girls, Boys and Marriage Laws. They received 10 signed positive reviews for chapter 2. They will receive lots of Harry Potter candy!

If the winners can email me with their mailing address, I'll send their prizes out to them. Does anyone have any problems with using a courier? Canada Post stole some prizes once, and it was the last straw for me and them.


Is one of my minions "vino16"? They reviewed several of the marriage law entries. I'm just curious. :)

Plus I would like to encourage nightleo to message the people that gave ass-hat reviews of your story (especially the one the copy/pasted the thesaurus, that was so tacky) and tell them that they were had. :)


The other entries were:

herbailiwick - Finally Catching On

jupirock - Sirius Was a Freaking Leprechaun

lostmustard - Marriage Laws and the Trouble They Cause

veryimprobable - Glorious Black and White

calenture - Steel and Emerald

undying_rose17 - Emerald Grey

zoreta - One Saturday Night

Solar - Of Blood and Water

crimsonchaos - Scarlet Chains and Green Curtains

nightleo - A New Kind of Marriage Law

smudge_pot - The Second Prophecy

grammarfreak16 - Draco Malfoy and the Totally Random Engagment

enarra - The Next Step

just_an_oli - An Inconvenient Marriage

snape&lily4evah - Snape and Lily Get Married!

burninglikeice - Voldemort Can't Stop the Love

r05km - Ginerva Molly Weasley and the Torment of Fandom

Katie - The Stand In

tortoisegirl - Hogwarts' Golden Haired Bride

Ari - Draco's Destiny

redlily - Project Quintessence

Silly Spam - Time's Own Blossom

thegoodship - Life Or Death

A Mysterious Stranger - Marriage a Trois

timydamonkey - For the Rest of Our Lives

THE FIFTH ANNUAL POTTERSUES FAN FICTION CONTEST

WHAT? Bad fan fiction. Or at least bad premises.

WHO? All of the lesbian minions, and anybody else who wants to participate!

WHERE? The Pit of Voles.

WHEN? September 1, 2007 to December 31, 2007.

WHY? Because, as loyal minions we should show our abilities off. And because it is tradition! Links to our previous contest announcements can be found in the Suechives.

HOW? I assign a theme, and you write really bad fan fiction. It doesn't have to be bad, but we all know that if a fic is written poorly it will still get lots of reviews. Even though redlily's was well written, and she won last year.

The rules are as follows:

1) Fics must be posted on the Pit of Voles, sometime between September 1, 2007 and December 31, 2007. You therefore have thirty days to brainstorm, write, and generally psych yourselves up, and a maximum of four months in which to collect reviews. Fics posted before September 1 will be disqualified. I'm not picky about time zones, so as long as the 'published on' date on The Pit says it was September 1 where you are, that's fine.

2) You don't have to finish the fic. Heck, you don't have to post more than a single chapter if you don't want to.

3) You don't have to post them under your own name. I'm not that cruel.

4) The winning fic will be the one with the most signed, positive reviews per chapter. So a one-chapter fic with 12 reviews will beat a two-chapter one with 13.

5) You cannot anywhere on your profile page or in the fic itself note that this is for a contest. People who like it have to like it because they like that sort of thing. I can't stop you, but please don't provide a link in your livejournal. If you get a bunch of your friends on your friends list to read and review it's cheating, and that's not fair.

6) Email me the URL of your story. If I don't know where it is, I can't include it in the judging. My email is pottersues@gmail.com OR pottersues@hotmail.com.

This theme this year is a Marriage Law Challenge. Thanks to a challenge from WIKTTa couple of years ago, this contrived plot device is now a permanent fixture in fan fiction archives. Two characters hate each other? That's ok! Make them get married! Then they will fall in ~*love*~. You can do almost anything you like with this concept: It can be the typical muggle-born character is forced to marry a pureblood due to Ministry regulations or it can be two characters are forced to marry by a certain age due to Ministry regulations. Whatever. The only thing you have do is make two characters get married because they have to, not because they love each other, and then make them fall in love. One or both of these characters must be a Sue/Stu. Earth Logic not necessary. What the plot is after that is up to you. Just make it spork-tastic and put it online for the voles to read and review. It doesn't have to be rated "Toxic" and it doesn't have to be amazing. As long as it exists and it gets reviews, that is all that matters.

Send the URLs of your entries to pottersues at gmail dot com OR pottersues at hotmail dot com... only one entry per fanfiction.net account, please.

First Place will win an awesome Harry Potter related gift, that has yet to be determined! There’s a lot of stuff out there, I just have to settle on the perfect gift. Second Place wins whatever other nifty Harry Potter-related thing I can pick up. When I have decided I will make an announcement.

At good way to get reviews is to be a review-whore. Give everyone reviews, especially stories just like yours, or containing your "ship".

Oh, and one other thing... have fun, okay? Don't enter if you're not going to have fun. Fanfiction should be fun to write, fun to read, and fun to mock, so just enjoy yourself and don't take it too seriously. :)

May I have your attention, please! Would the real antipottersues please stand up! It's time for...

THE THIRD ANNUAL
POTTERSUES FANFICTION
CONTEST

WHAT? Badfic. Lots and lots of badfic.

WHO? All of my loyal lesbian minions, and anybody else who wants to participate!

WHERE? The Pit of Voles. Try as I might, I have yet to find another archive worthy of this honour.

WHEN? September first through December thirty-first, winners to be announced on New Year's Day, 2006.

WHY? Because every masochist needs to express his/her sadistic side once in a while, too.

HOW? I assign a theme, and you guys write really bad fanfics. The rules are as follows:

1) Fics must be posted on the Pit of Voles, sometime between September 1st and December 31st, 2005. You therefore have a month to brainstorm, write, and generally psych yourselves up, and a maximum of four months in which to collect reviews. Fics posted before September 1st will be disqualified. I'm not picky about time zones, so as long as the 'published on' date on the pit says it was September 1st where you are, that's fine.

2) You don't have to finish the fic. Heck, you don't have to post more than a single chapter if you don't want to.

3) You don't have to post them under your own name. I'm not that cruel.

4) The winning fic will be the one with the most signed, positive reviews per chapter. So a one-chapter fic with 12 reviews will beat a two-chapter one with 13.

5) You cannot anywhere on your profile page or in the fic itself note that this is for a contest. People who like it have to like it because they like that sort of thing.

6) Email me the URL of your story. If I don't know where it is, I can't include it in the judging.

This year's theme is Sue From Our World Enters The Potterverse. Yes, Ladies and however many Gentlemen might be out there (this is the 21st century - gentlemen can be lesbian minions too!), it's self-insertion at its most blatant! You can do almost anything you like with this concept: Sue can get sucked into her book or DVD player. She can hit her head and wake up in Hermione's body. She can be Voldemort's half-veela daughter sent to our world to hide her until she's old enough to have kinky sex with Draco. Whatever. The only thing you can't start with is her simply getting her Hogwarts letter - there must be some kind of supernatural transfer from one universe to another. Earth Logic not necessary. What the plot is after that is up to you. Just make it spork-tastic and put it online for the voles to read and review. Send the URLs of your entries to pottersues at hotmail dot com... only one entry per fanfiction.net account, please.

First Place will win the 'Quidditch Match' Christmas ornament from Hallmark¹. Second Place wins whatever other nifty Harry Potter-related thing I can pick up for about fifteen bucks. We've had bookmarks, band-aids, and stickers... I'll see what I can find this year.

Oh, and one other thing... have fun, okay? Don't enter if you're not going to have fun. Fanfiction should be fun to write, fun to read, and fun to mock, so just enjoy yourself and don't take it too seriously. ^_^

¹Please Note: Potter Sue of the Day is not sponsored by Hallmark. Hallmark probably doesn't know that Potter Sue of the Day exists, and wouldn't want anything to do with it if they did.

And the winners of the badfic contest are:

1st PLACE: Draco malfoy's Army by phaballa - with ten signed, positive reviews per chapter. phaballa has won the 'Harry and Hedwig' Christmas ornament from Hallmark, so if she'll email me with her mailing address, I'll send that right out to her.

2nd PLACE: Old Friends, Old Enemies - with nine signed, positive reviews per chapter. Whoever wrote this one didn't give their LJ name, but whoever you are, email me, because you've won a package of Harry Potter stickers, also from Hallmark. I don't argue with my employee discount.

The other entries were:

Born To Be Sacrificed, by agatha_s

Not Much of a Man by the Light of Day, by mini_snape

The Triumph of Lord Voldemort

The French Connection

The Simple Truth

The Madness Within, by hecate_12

Mother of All Secrets, by lady_jenna

Hair of an Heir, by pandoras_closet

Between Good and Evil, by lillyv

The Cho Chronicles, by latara

Raw Head and Bloody Bones

Blood in the Orchard, by phfa
There were two other entries, but one of them just vanished and the other was disqualified when the author asked deleterius to spork her fic, revealing in the process that it was written for a contest. Most of the fics were hilarious and some were actually intriguing. Great job, everybody!

It's time for...

WHAT? The Second Annual Pottersues Fanfiction Contest - just doing my bit to make sure that at least some of the crap this fandom wallows in was put there on purpose.

WHO? All of my loyal lesbian minions, and anybody else who wants to participate!

WHERE? The Pit of Voles

WHEN? September first through December thirty-first, winners to be announced on New Year's Day, 2005.

WHY? Because it's fun, of course.

HOW? I assign a theme, and you guys write fanfics. The rules are as follows:

1) Fics must be posted on the Pit of Voles, sometime between September 1st and December 31st, 2004. You therefore have a maximum of four months in which to collect reviews.

2) You don't have to finish the fic. Heck, you don't have to post more than a single chapter if you don't want to.

3) You don't have to post them under your own name. I'm not that mean.

4) The winning fic will be the one with the most signed, positive reviews per chapter. So a one-chapter fic with 12 reviews will beat a two-chapter one with 13.

5) You cannot anywhere on your profile page or in the fic itself note that this is for a contest. People who like it have to like it because they like that sort of thing.

6) Email me the URL of your story. If I don't know where it is, I can't include it in the judging.

This year's theme is Canon-Sue Daughter of Voldemort. Pick a canon character - not Hermione, please - and in the first chapter she must discover that she is Voldemort's daughter. How you justify this is up to you. Where it goes from there is up to you. Just make it funny, make it spork-tastic, and put it online for the voles to read and review. Send the URLs of your entries to pottersues at hotmail dot com... only one entry per fanfiction.net account, please.

First Place will win the 'Harry and Hedwig' Christmas ornament from Hallmark. Second Place wins a package of Harry Potter stickers... also from Hallmark¹. I don't argue with my employee discount.

Oh, and one other thing... have fun, okay? Don't enter if you're not going to have fun. Fanfiction should be fun to write and fun to read, so just enjoy yourself and don't take it too seriously. ^_^

¹Please Note: Potter Sue of the Day is not sponsored by Hallmark. Hallmark probably doesn't know that Potter Sue of the Day exists, and wouldn't want anything to do with it if they did.

Wohoo! Lots to do tonight! First, to congratulate the winners of the crossover contest! Only two people ever actually sent me an entry, so everybody who entered wins, which is always nice.

First place goes to starrysummer, for her story Harry Potter and the Posterior of Cartman. If she will be so kind as to email me, her prize is the 'Platform 9¾' Christmas ornament from Hallmark.

Second place is awarded to LIWY, for her story Vacation. She will be recieving a box of Harry Potter band-aids, as a gentle reminder that Second Place is just the first loser. (My apologies - if I'd known only two people were going to enter, I'd've found something cooler for second place.)

Secondly, I would like to extend a big welcome back to Not-Bob, now also known as antipottersues, and to thank her for making things so easy for me. I also find it very funny how her identity is so wrapped up in mine that she actually calls herself antipottersues.

Evil minions... check. A nemesis whose very purpose in existance is my downfall... check. Now I just need to find that damn ring, and all the world will be covered in darkness! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

*ahem*

Last but never least, Not-Bob's untriumphant return seemed like a great time to begin Reader-Sue Week! Tonight's was going to be fairytalegrrl's Steer Me to the Light, but upon clicking I found I'd already Sued it. So instead, we have this:

TITLE: The Diary
PERPETRATOR: Phoenix SilverWind

SUE-O-METER: (good)

FULL NAME: Rhiannon Malfoy
SPECIES: human/witch
HAIR: 'pale blonde hair'
EYES: 'piecing ice blue eyes'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: A pair of Gary-Stu best friends, Will Weasley and Thomas Potter.

ORIGIN: The daughter of Ginny Weasley and Draco Malfoy (a pairing I do not 'get', but that may be just me).
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: See above. Best friends with the son of Ron and Hermione, and that of Harry and a woman whose name I shall not reveal.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Unsortable - the hat lets her choose between Slytherin and Gryffindor.

NOTES: *sigh* Y'know, one of the reasons I've been putting off Reader-Sue Week was because I needed to psych myself up for it. I kept telling myself that I was going to be tough, that I was going to drag these Sues through just as much mud as the non-reader ones, and not be extra-kind just because they were my minions. After all, those who submitted were putting themselves up for the mocking, and mocking is what I do.

But this is... well, pretty darn good. >.<

The two Stu's and the Sue are a pretty standard Hogwarts; TNG offering, and there's a Big Mystery about who Thomas Potter's Slytherin mother was... it's the sort of plot that seems destined to suck, but the author is talented and the prose is engaging.

Which frankly, leaves me wondering whether everybody who submitted to Reader-Sue Week just did so to show off. In which case, I will be very annoyed with all of you.

SAMPLE: ( Meet The Sue (And Stus)! )

The Cruel and Unusual Professor of Egregious Sues would like to present...

WHAT? The first annual Pottersues Fanfiction Contest

WHO? All of my masochistic victims loyal readers, plus any friends they would like to invite!

WHERE? The Pit O Voles

WHEN? September first through December thirty-first, winners to be announced on New Year's Day, 2004.

WHY? Because hopefully it'll make a few people laugh.

HOW? The way I'm planning this, every year will have a different theme... our theme for this first session is crossovers. But not just any crossovers. Oh, no. Contestants are to consider their fandoms and then choose the one they consider the least compatible with the Potterverse.

Say, for example, that you still have a secret thing for The Lion King. You could do Simba and Nala go to Hogwarts, in which the two lion cubs are transfigured into human kids in order to attend the school, and Simba wonders if Professor Snape is really Uncle Scar in disguise while Nala dates Draco Malfoy and...

Er... I don't think I want to finish that thought. Let's try again. Say you pick Fushigi Yuugi: you could have a fic in which Hermione Granger, ordinary punk-ass high school girl, is sucked into a book and becomes the Gryffindor no Miko, and has to find the seven Gryffindor seishi while her best friend, Pansy Parkinson, is Slytherin no Miko... and Hermione is torn between doing her duty by summoning Gryffindor and falling for the handsome leader of the Slytherin seishi, Draco Malfoy...

... excuse me a moment. I'll be back when I'm done washing my brain.

*ten minutes later*

Okay. Anyway, you get the idea... make it spork-tastic, make it funny, and post it on the Pit of Voles. Fics may be first posted no earlier than September the First, 2003 (IE: you cannot use a pre-existing fic), and the final judging will take place December the Thirty-First. In that time, whoever gets the most positive, signed reviews per chapter will be the winner.

First Place will win the 'Platform 9¾' Keepsake Ornament from Hallmark¹. Second Place wins a box of Harry Potter Band-Aids. Send me the URLs of your entries by email... only one entry per fanfiction.net account, please.

Oh, and one other thing... have fun, okay? Don't enter if you're not going to have fun. Fanfiction should be fun to write and fun to read, so just enjoy yourself and don't take it too seriously. ^_^

¹Please Note: Potter Sue of the Day is not sponsored by Hallmark... except in the sense that Hallmark pays my salary, and thus pays for my computer and my internet time... so I guess Potter Sue of the Day is sponsored by Hallmark. Damn. How about if I just say Hallmark doesn't sponsor me on purpose?