New icon in honour of our latest troll, whose ISP is apparently in Australia. It's really cool to be able to say "people hate me in Australia." Because, Australia.

Trolls inspire me. So now you can tell it like it is in black and white or colour. Yes, I actually made the image for this one, not a third party. Go, me. Fear my leet art skills and all that.

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Great Lily-Sues of the Past: Lesbian Lily-Sue gets Narcissa pregnant!

TITLE: Ice Cold Enchantress
PERPETRATOR: Telwyn Dubois (what are the odds of that being her real name?)

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Lily Evans
SPECIES: human/witch
HAIR: 'hair with a reddish tint', 'hair the colour of a rose'
EYES: 'eyes the colour of emerald'. They will apparently change colour depending on what kind of enchantress she is. Green is for the seductive ones.
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: A book called The Myth of the Enchantress

ORIGIN: Her father is a big-shot politician who doesn't give a damn about his kids except insofar as being a 'family man' gets him votes. He sends Lily to Hogwarts because it'll apparently be a good political move.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Bears some vague resemblance to Harry's mother.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Okay, she's an 'enchantress', which means she's indescribably gorgeous, a genius, can read minds, and can change into any animal she touches. Gosh, that last one sounds familiar. In a *cough*ripoff*cough* kind of way.

NOTES: I actually got an email from this author of this one asking me to review it for her because she was worried it was a Mary-Sue. I normally don't respond to things like that, but this one was already on my list for Lily-Sue week. And... um, woah. Yeah, it's a Sue. It's got Sue coming out at the seams.

It is possible to write stories about people who have special powers and special destinies... much original fiction is about such people, but that's just the thing - it's original fiction. The 'enchantresses' this story describes just don't fit well into the Potterverse. I think it's the same thing that made people respond badly to Tonks... I know I remember thinking, "where did that come from?" The innate nature of Tonks' power just didn't seem to work with the HP universe, not after four books spent establishing that it's choices (Harry) and hard work (Hermione) that make a great wizard, not innate talent. The Marauders were animagi because they chose to be, not because they were born that way. Tonks feels uncomfortably out of place.

And so do Enchantress Mary-Sues.

The disclaimer for this one is in the form of a poem.

SAMPLE: ( More Sue-Whining And Sue-Specialness )

Our fifth Disney-Sue.

TITLE: Jasmine Potter, found at last
PERPETRATOR: LaurRAHRox

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Jasmine Lei Potter. Lei?
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: I'm guessing auburn.
EYES: 'gentle green eyes'
MARKINGS: 'brillantly white, even, straight teeth' - it's the Crest Whitestrips Sue!
POSESSIONS: Beauty beyond the lot of mortals. This is going to be a plot point.

ORIGIN: She's Harry's sister, two years older. Voldemort killed the rest of the Potters but was going to have Peter Pettigrew raise Jasmine in secret, and when she grew up Voldemort would marry her (because she was destined to be the most beautiful woman in the world). So Peter left her on the DeLacour's doorstep, and she was raised by their family. This gets weirder, so read the sample.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Harry's sister, raised by Fleur's family, everybody adores her, Voldemort wants her, etc. Will probably be paired with Draco.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: is an 'enchantress', and the Wizard's Encyclopedia lists her as one of the five most beautiful things that have ever existed. No, really.

NOTES: I actually enjoyed this fic. It's so amazingly over-the-top that it goes beyond the badness into the same realm of train-wreckish entertainment as Ed Wood movies: Jasmine's backstory, the indescribably absurd justification for why she's so gorgeous and talented, her French accent (the only thing reviewers have complained about)... it's a great big slice of Mary-Sue angel cake with a strawberry on top, and I love it!

SAMPLE: ( I'm Almost Tempted To Give This A Good Review... )

Damn, this made me laugh.

TITLE: Enchantress
PERPETRATOR: the lily among thorns

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Lillianna Evans (*snerk* - Lillianna?)
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'She has long, straight red hair with black streaks through it that stopped just above her bum.' (the hair, or the stripes? And again, the word 'bum' just blows the whole thing...)
EYES: 'She had large emerald green eyes with about ten other greens shooting through them.' (I'm picturing eyes full of plants here...)
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: 'Lily is the richest and lives in the biggest mansion'

ORIGIN: Transfer student from Beauxbatons.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Is going to fall for James Potter, the 'bad boy of Hogwarts'. But doesn't that mean that James will never marry Lily Evans and thus Harry Potter will never be born? Because you can't expect me to believe that this Sue with all the extra consonants in her name is Harry's mother. Perhaps she goes on to spawn all those 'girl who lived' alterverses.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: 'She has a secret, a secret that few people know about. Its not that she cant tell people, it's that she doesn't want people to make a big fuss about it. She's an enchantress. She can read peoples minds do magic without a wand. Anything like that.' Pure poetry, I tell you! And we can't forget: 'They all know karate and all those sorts of thing. Eg. Kickboxing, boxing, etc..'

NOTES: This is up there with NSYNC Goes to Hogwarts on my list of things that I hate to call 'toxic' just because they're so damn funny. The over-wrought and yet incredibly illiterate description here is right up there with the guy in The Core incinerating a nectarine for the president's advisors. I love it!

Well... I love everything but her replacing Peter with somebody named Beau Lynch (*snigger*). 'Cause Peter's not HAWT. Somebody write a Peter-Sue already! I will give prizes to the people who bring me the first Peter-Sue and the first Neville-Sue!

(Speaking of prizes... that store that had the Snitch Hackysacs is out of them. How about a can of Japanese coke instead?)

By the way, in deference to yesterday, I think we have a new entry in the Sue Lexicon (I cannot think of a way to shorten that besides the unspeakably appropriate 'Sexicon') - big, fat continuity errors that nobody can understand how the author missed are to henceforward be known as 'red-haired girls'.

SAMPLE: ( Laughing My Ass Off. You Hear That 'Plop'? My Ass, Hitting The Floor. )