TITLE: Behind Layers of Silk
PERPETRATOR: Gryffinhuffinpuffindorin
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Prince Draco Urian Malfoy
SPECIES: Wizard
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: "a set of Chinese exercise balls"

ORIGIN: AU. His mother hold "suitor balls" hoping he will find a bride, but he refuses to marry any of those "harpies", as he is homosexual.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Friends with Pansy. Harry is made a guard at the palace and Prince Draco is going to fall for him.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Is a very desirable prince.

NOTES: Please don't use "thou" randomly in your stories. Thanks.

( I foresee two future Most OOC Male Character nominations! )

Don't forget to send in your "Most Memorable Quote" for my HBP T-Shirt! Email to pottersues@gmail.com or pottersues@hotmail.com. I only have two entries so far. Also, I forgot to check the "Spam" before I deleted it, so if you have not heard from me, send your entry again please.

Thanks to jennstarzzz who sent in today's Stu!

TITLE: Despising love
PERPETRATOR: Splish92
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: Wizard
HAIR: as per canon?
EYES: as per canon?
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: An infatuation for Hermione Granger.

ORIGIN: Claims to be Draco Malfoy.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Draco loves Hermione, and that's why he hates her. He kisses her once, calls her a mudblood and nothing ever comes out of it.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Crying.

NOTES: Reading the first chapter I couldn't help start singing Britney Spears, but changing the words of course: He's so lucky, he's a star but he cry, cry, cries in his lonely heart, thinking if there's nothing missing in my life then why do these tears come at night". Ahhh, I'm a loser.

( Why are you crying? There's no crying in Slytherin! )

Thanks to convolutedplots for today's second Sue!

TITLE: Just Me and the Bookworm
PERPETRATOR: Angelica Nicole
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Wizard, Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: Hermione has "fantastic breasts" and her vagina is described as her "most valued possession"

ORIGIN: One day they just started having sex in the Trophy Room and never stopped.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Claims to be Hermione and Draco, yet they bare no resemblance to the canon-characters.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Don't seem to care about anything else except having sex. Willingly miss school to have sex all day.

NOTES: I had the hardest time who was the bigger stu/sue, so I just included them both.

( At least Draco isn't using purple prose? NSFW sample. )

Thanks to Lauren for sending in today's third Sue!

TITLE: A Life With You
PERPETRATOR: Hate Fairy 666
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: Wizard
HAIR: "silver blonde"
EYES: silver
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: Ginny Weasley.

ORIGIN: Some sort of pod-creature pretending to be Draco Malfoy.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Loves Ginny Weasley. He is her "baby daddy". Yes that phrase was used in the story. Snape and McGonagall watch them from the shadows and gush about Draco and Ginny's love. Ron handles the "big reveal" very poorly, as always. We find out, as well, that Molly and Arthur knew about this romance the whole time. After some intimidation, all of the brothers and Draco get along. Awww.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Is a thoughtful, loving, caring human being.

NOTES: The OOC-level is high in this one!

( How long has Snape and McGongall been hiding there. )

Thanks to Anonymouse who sent in today's first Sue!

TITLE: Needing you
PERPETRATOR: anime666
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: Magid
HAIR: blond
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: not described
POSSESSIONS: purple and black robes that seem to be draped around him like a toga. A "fan club",

ORIGIN: I'm not really sure. He claims to be related to Lucius.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Faced Voldemort with Harry. Offers to help Eliza. Has feelings for her.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can read minds, and speak completely differently from canon-Draco. Has caring and healing tendencies.

NOTES: I am sure this story has been ripped off from someone else. The spacing is weird, and the girl's name switches from Eliza to Sara and back again.

( It's like reading mud. )

Have a bit of a sue backlog to work our way through. I'll file them properly later this evening, but most of these are too good not to share :)

Sue 1!

TITLE: Far Longer Than Forever
PERPETRATOR: The_Fayt_In_Purple
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: Wizard
HAIR: blond
EYES: Silver
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: a talent for drawing, a desperate longing for his Eala (which is Scottish gaelic for swan - not to be confused with EALA, the European Air Law Association) Ginny Weasley, a window in his room where he sits and pines for his childhood love, a little voice in his head that berates him for being a shallow ass

ORIGIN: From the Malfoy family line, apparently
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Not much beyond the name. This is not the ferret.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: can hear music on the wind, and see faeries, continued longing for the youngest Weasley who may or may not be a swan maiden. Thankfully the story never elaborates on this, otherwise Draco might have a run for his galleons in the sue department

NOTES: This story hasn't been updated since 2005, so there is no telling where this story would have gone, or how OOC the characterizations would have gotten. Though I'm not sorry that we miss out on more fangirl!gaelic. *shudders*

( On the bright side, Draco doesn't try to shoot Ginny like Seigfried does Odette )

Two sues today to make up for missing one yesterday, and to get started on the backlog of Sues I owe you. A very close friend dragged me to see Watchmen in IMAX, and by the time I got back....well, it was a little too late for me. Though I did learn that you don't have to wear pants on Mars.

Sue #1!

TITLE: How I Met My Yoga Instructor
PERPETRATOR: Black-Sichan
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: New York City College Student/Yoga Instructor
HAIR: not mentioned, presumably blonde
EYES: not mentioned, presumably blue
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSSESSIONS: An apartment just off of campus - freshly renovated kitchen, large master bedroom with a walk in closet at 1,650$/month. It is located in a building owned by Pansy Parkinson's mom. A large cherry wood four poster bed, green "(Egyptian cotton lol)" sheets and a heavy green down comforter. A matching wardrobe, a large desk, a nice black computer, "complete with printer and scanner". "A tall book case loaded with all his favorites plus a couple of old tomes he had collected". A stereo system, and a large collection of CDs. A couple of DVDs, a large black flat screen tv. Draco is a sophomore at Hogwarts University, where Harry and Ron are seniors.

ORIGIN: This is not the Draco we know and love to hate. It just has his name.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: It has Draco's name and face, but none of his personality. The jury is out on whether this is a good thing.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Blushes when talking with boys. Will be paired with Harry, if this is ever finished.

NOTES: I just don't get the point of this - it reads like a poorly thought out fantasy of what it's like going off to college. Plus I don't see how Harry Potter relates to any of this all - it's so OOC. Thank goodness it hasn't been touched in a while. Though the AN'a are pretty hilarious. The stereotypical Chinese Take Out Shop owner? Not so much.

( This is like some WB/CW collegiate show that gets canceled after the first season )

TITLE: Can we pull through this together?
PERPETRATOR: thenextcullenmember
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: Magical Folk
HAIR: as per canon, I assume
EYES: as per canon, I assume
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: Strange personalities.

ORIGIN: On Valentine's Day Blaise dressed up as Draco and made out with Pansy. Hermione, Draco's girlfriend, sees this and freaks out. Draco wants to win her back.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Claims to be Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can be completely OOC and bizarre!

NOTES: Please do not put emoticons in your prose to show emotion. That is what words are for. Someone should send this Suethor's summary to McTabby.

( There are two Samples because it's just that bad. Also, why is everyone shouting? )

Today is very special! Today marks our 2000th Sue! So I made today's a double-whammy!

Stats will be posted later today!

TITLE: Shall We Dream?
PERPETRATOR: LadyFirehair Is this a play on Lady LovelyLocks, cause that is so not on.
SUE-O-METER: (toxic) More like super-stinky toxic sludge that will stink forever and ever.

FULL NAME: Prince Draco of the Serpent Isles and Hermoine, daughter of the Queen of Eaia
SPECIES: Draco is a man, and Hermione is a water nymph
HAIR: Draco: "silky white- blonde", "shaggy". Hermione: "long satiny dark hair streaming behind her in its own sunkissed chestnut wave", "a bright chestnut colour tinted with gold from all the time spent under the sun".
EYES: Draco: "molten silver". Hermione: "a pair of large intelligent brown eyes that shone with flecks of honey when in the grip of a strong emotion".
MARKINGS: Draco: "magnificently sculpted muscles", an "aristocratic face". Hermione: "pale and creamy and translucent webbed hands and feet that changed into normal hands and feet on land". "Ruby red" lips.
POSSESSIONS: Draco: "His fine white linin shirt and emerald green tunic were displayed on a nearby rock as were his silver ribbon for his hair and his soft, well worn, leather boots."

ORIGIN: Typical star-crossed lovers nonsense.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Prince Draco is not supposed to love a water nymph, and Hermione is not supposed to love a human. But they will love each other regardless *violins play* Draco saves her from some rocks she was pinned against, which is weird seeing how she can live in water and on land.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Draco: mad lifeguarding skillz. Hermione: can live on land and in the sea, but seems to be pretty useless.

NOTES: The purple prose from this one stinks!

( Why don't you dive into the waves moron? )

Link of the Day: A fan video to Spongebob's FUN Song! As burninglikeice says, "The clips used with the song are amusingly inappropriate"! Enjoy!




Thank you to isolatingage for sending in today's first Sue!


TITLE: I Will...
PERPETRATOR: Jolin
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: Wizard
HAIR: as canon
EYES: as canon
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: a completely different personality.

ORIGIN: Draco has a secret, DUN DUN DUN!!!
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Sends Hermione a note to ask her to meet him at the Astronomy Tower alone. Strangely, she does, and instead of trying to murder her like canon-Draco would do, he confesses his affection for her. The next day he creats a scene in the Great Hall to try and prove his love for her.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Is no where near canon-Draco.

NOTES: The Suethor wants feedback on her story. I certainly hope someone tells her not to rush through everything, and to not turn canon characters into someone unrecognizable.

( What did the banners say, exactly? )

Sue #1!!

TITLE: Pleased
PERPETRATOR: Ms.Rein
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Princess Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: Princess
HAIR: not described, blond
EYES: not described, grey
MARKINGS: pretty but pompous
POSSESSIONS: a tree in which he/she lives, a kingdom she will inherit as her dowry, an attraction to red haired farmers named Ron Weasley

ORIGIN: Fevered mind of a sue author
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Draco is secretly an executive transvestite.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can sit up in a tree for prolonged periods of time

NOTES: Terrible rhyming scheme, though I can't stop laughing at the mental picture of Draco running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup while in a dress. Do you think he has to steal his make up back from the squirrels?

( Worst. Poem. Ever. )

TITLE: Adrift
PERPETRATOR: Cheryl Dyson
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Cap’n Draco
SPECIES: Wizard Pirate
HAIR: as canon
EYES: as canon
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: a ship.

ORIGIN: Arrrr! Pirates be sexy!
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Harry goes on vacation for stress leave and meets Pirate Draco. Draco saves him during a hurricane, which is the first step to True Love.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can captain a ship? Really, of all of the tings for Draco to do.

NOTES: The Suethor figured this was a good premise to have Draco and Harry hook up. It just makes me laugh.

( Thanks for letting me know that Draco went to the bathroom. )

Sue #2!

TITLE: Goblin Princess
PERPETRATOR: Hellen Lou
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger & Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: Witch/Princess of the Underground & Wizard
HAIR: golden brown & blond
EYES: cinnamon & not described (possibly blue)
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: a palace in the Underground, goblin friends, Jareth as an adopted father; Draco: Teddy Lupin his godson, a good heart, an enduring love for the princess he saw years ago in his dreams

ORIGIN: a fevered imagination
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Name only. Seriously.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Hermione: can grant wishes, ability to be Draco's guardian angel, Draco: to completely cut ties with his destiny and reform as a good guy from a young age

NOTES: This may as well be original fiction - nothing beyond basic aspects of HP match up, since she's changed the characters so completely out of character

( Two samples for the price of one )

I have returned home. The stats will be posted tomorrow evening at the latest.

Get your votes in! There is lots of room in all of the categories!


TITLE: I Framed Your Picture In Gold
PERPETRATOR: Yumetake Sakka
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: Wizard
HAIR: not described, blond?
EYES: not described, grey?
MARKINGS: the Dark Mark
POSSESSIONS: a picture of Harry Potter framed in gold at the bottom of his trunk.

ORIGIN: A Stuthor forshadowed wangsty emo Draco years before it happened.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Outside he is Harry's enemy, but inside he loves him. Draco's parents don't seem to love him. He becomes a Death Eater, but secretly "worships" Harry.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Whiny? Melodramatic? Typical Draco?

NOTES: Finding this story was a complete fluke! I'm glad I did, it made me laugh.

( Your dramatic paragraphs are not dramatic enough to keep my attention. )

Thanks to bittybye2000 for today's Sue!

The story is featured at adultfanfiction.net, so don't go there if you are underage or at work.

TITLE: The Dark
PERPETRATOR: VB23
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: Wizard
HAIR: blond
EYES: grey
MARKINGS: the dark mark, a toned chest.
POSSESSIONS: Hermione.

ORIGIN: The loins of Lucius Malfoy.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: The Death Eaters are tired of crazy Voldemort, and they want Draco to replace him. He pretends to be on the "good" side just so he can be undetected. For good measure, he decides to get a muggle-born to fall in love with him. Guess who it is? It's Hermione! There is a problem with his plan, he didn't expect to fall in love with her! Oops! He kills Voldemort, and launches an attack on the wizarding world. He wins, and all of the Order dies, except for pregnant Hermione Malfoy. She loses the babies, and feels no love for him, so he decides to go back in time to change everything, which he does. He even saves her from Voldemort.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can outsmart everyone, and be very creepy and psychotic.

NOTES: Draco is unbelievingly creepy in this entire story, I don't know how it's fans can't see it.

( Mmmm, I really did want to go to the cheese factory. Thanks! )

Someone else does not like me.

Thanks to geekierthanyou for sending in today's Sue!

TITLE: Forever In Your Unwilling Hands
PERPETRATOR: cooptown1331
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: Wizard
HAIR: "fair blond"
EYES: steel grey
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSSESSIONS: A letter to Hermione.

ORIGIN: Draco loves Hermione but hasn't told her yet.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: He writes a coded letter to Hermione. He watches her from afar. He is going to have to compete with Fred for her affection.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: He appreciates Hermione for more than her "ass".

NOTES: Boring.

( There is no way Draco Malfoy could ever write this. )

Thanks to Vorse for sending in today's second Sue!

While tagging the memories, I discovered that "the Elvin Bride" had already been sporked. I'm not really sure about what to do, seeing how the most recent sporking happened in the last batch of 100 Sues. Suggestions?

TITLE: How He Won Her Heart
PERPETRATOR: Luv harry
SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Wizard and Witch
HAIR: not mentioned
EYES: not mentioned
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSSESSIONS: Mutual love?

ORIGIN: Early times in the D/Hr ship?
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Draco secretly loves Hermione. He calls her "my secret love". Hermione falls for Draco once he apologizes to her for being a jerk all of these years. Harry and Ron are upset because they loved Hermione, too.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Draco can hide his true feelings quite well. Hermione can forgive Draco easily.

NOTES: Draco didn't have to work that hard to win her heart.

( Crazy formatting in every chapter! Don't beleive me? Check out the sample! )

Last day to nominate Sues for the Golden Bubotubers! There is still space remaining in all categories, even "Most Quoteable". Come on everyone! Where is "Pronglet?"

Link of the Day: gehayi's first Harry Potter Sue was Buffiana Riddle. Because she has good sense, she sporked it herself on deleterius. Way to go!

iman00b has sent us their First Harry Potter Sue! Although it was a Sue, they really enjoyed it!

TITLE: Milk Is My Sugar
PERPETRATOR: Michael Serpent He died in 2004 or 2005 from a "long illness".
SUE-O-METER: (okay)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: Wizard/Half-Veela
HAIR: "radiant blonde locks"
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSSESSIONS: a small argent cube of the size of a match box containing LiLo's stash of coke a special powder medicine from India that controls his pheremone production

ORIGIN: When a wizard and a Veela love each other very much...Malfoy family tree is less pure blood than they would lead everyone else to believe
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: is Draco Malfoy
SPECIAL ABILITIES: First and foremost, he's a male Veela - the seventeenth male Veela ever registered (Veelas have to register? um, where exactly?). Being a Veela, he has very powerful attraction, so powerful that he needs a drug to suppress it so that he can live the life of a normal teenage wizard. As Dumbledore explains in Chapter 2:
"Without his regular medicament, he will be the target prey of every lovesick teenager of this school. And I’m afraid that when the weeks pass by, this leads into continuous sexual harassment of a very serious nature."
Meaning everyone wants to have their way with him because of his powerful pheremones. Harry, following the 'Just Say No' campaign, disposes of the drug thinking that he's doing Draco a favour. Harry is thus appointed his guardian defender to beat off (hee!) the horny teens with a stick. I could only last to chapter 5 before I had to give up, but I'm guessing that eventually Harry will be beating Draco's stick...

NOTES: I give the Suethor credit for acknoledging that everyone is OOC and crazy. Also, I secretly loved chapter 3, because Snape explaining the sexual powers of a Veela? Just gold.

( I keep hearing If You Think I'm Sexy in my head... )

Bowling for Soup, American Hi-Fi, and Simple Plan all sound exactly the same, too. I think this is another conspiracy.

TITLE: The Girl Who Was A Boy (that's ri-ight...)
PERPETRATOR: Jitterbug1

SUE-O-METER: (good)

FULL NAME: Draco Malfoy
SPECIES: human/witch
HAIR: blond. 'her hair fell to her waist in loose, shining curls'
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: a new firebolt, 'frilly, girly clothes', a bunch of other stuff that's not as special.

ORIGIN: Draco touched some magical object he shouldn't have, and it turned him into a girl.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Was, and amazingly enough, still is, Draco Malfoy.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned.

NOTES: This is actually probably the closest thing out there to a good taco show that exists for a purpose besides being porn. Draco refuses to change his name, remains in character, and has not yet fallen head-over-heels for Harry (though the summary gives me chills). The Malfoys resign themselves to the situation and attempt to cope with it as best they can... actually, the fact that this is not set at Hogwarts contributes quite a lot to its marked lack of the usual taco show cliches. I suspect things will go very much downhill once Our Sueoine is back at school.

SAMPLE: ( What We've Got So Far Is Actually Pretty Funny, Though... )

Three days left to vote! You might also want to vote on whether today's feature is a Magic Stick or a Taco Show... because I really couldn't say.

Kitty Link: Purriwinkle.ca, an organization that breeds ragdoll kittens, which are of course the cutest, sweetest, and most darling kittens in the world. No, I'm not biased at all.

TITLE: Drayla
PERPETRATOR: Raiyevern

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Drayla Malfoy
SPECIES: human/witch
HAIR: Not described. I suppose it's blonde.
EYES: Not described. Gray, I guess.
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: all kinds of sexy muggle clothing.

ORIGIN: Born to Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy in the usual manner, as far as I know. Decided to become a boy in order to please Daddy.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Lusting after Harry Potter.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Metamorphmagus.

NOTES: Magic Stick or Taco Show? Cast your vote!

Other than that... OMG. WTF.

SAMPLE: ( What Is Up With THIS? )