TITLE: The Demon Lord
PERPETRATOR: Dark Dragen
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Harry Potter, the Demon Lord. LMAO! I'm picturing skinny little Harry as a demon!
SPECIES: demon
HAIR: red
EYES: He doesn't need glasses anymore. "his eye although still green, had a hint of red in them"
MARKINGS: black wings, muscles, "his facial features were now more defined and better looking", his scar is gone.
POSSESSIONS: a "Power Ritual book" that he uses to unlock his demon powers.

ORIGIN: Typical "Woe" backstory complete with abusive uncle!
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Hates everyone. The pairing at ff.net says he'll be with Daphene Greengrass.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Super-hot. Can change how he looks and his gender at will.

NOTES: A penis that is "now thicker and about nine inches long". I'm imaging Genoa Salami size. He'll clearly need some sort of supportive device. A male must have written this story, hands and giant penis down.

( Funniest thing I have ever read. EVER. )

I love Quizilla!

TITLE: .:. I Trust You, More Then I Trust Myself.:. Harry Potter Romance
PERPETRATOR: goddessofevil13
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Carly Baker aka You
SPECIES: "part fallen *a mix between a angel and devil*"
HAIR: "you look however you look like"
EYES: "you look however you look like"
MARKINGS: "you very beautiful *i bet you are* and very fit, curves at the right places and you have a tattoo at the bottom of your back near your ass, it had a heart with vines around it your 5'4", "you have fangs and wings, black wings!"
POSSESSIONS: "a orange tight t-shirt saying *why you looking here perv!* and bage (sp?)cargos" and "tims", which I assume are Timberlands. After that, I don't feel I have to include any more clothing descriptions. A baby named Sage, and a wedding dress.

ORIGIN: "you moved to london from canada and your parents abandoned you" but "you live at 5 PRIVET DRIVE!"
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Harry invites you, a winged creature, to go for a walk. You guys go to the beach, as well, I think, it's not to clear, it's Quizilla! After 22 chapters the Suethor posts a literate "Sorry" chapter where she announces that she's giving up on the story and gives a quickie epilogue. You and Harry get married and have a daughter named Sage. You're a homemaker, and Hermione and Ron are Sage's godparents.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Wings, half devil/angel.

NOTES: In the first 198 words of the story, not including the "memo", she used the word "sexy" 5 times. This is 5 times too many.

( Prepare your eyes my faithful ones. )

TITLE: The Demon Within
PERPETRATOR: Kimberly Rose
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Lily Potter
SPECIES: part-demon
HAIR: not described
EYES: they can turn blood red
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: a necklace, it has an "orb with a dragon figure around it", a "little gold bird" named Chudley

ORIGIN: Lily had twins, and the daughter was named after her.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: On October 31, 1980 after Voldemort fails to kill Harry and Lily Jr, she turns into a giant dragon and makes Voldemort lose all of his powers. To this I have two comments: 1. Do I really have to add any more to the Sue report than that? and 2. Why didn't you take all of Voldemort's powers away BEFORE he killed your parents. What sort of special one-year-old are you? Anyways, Sirius "took her in" after her parents were killed. She is friends with Hermione and Ginny. She takes Ron to a special waterfall and lake that only she and Sirius know about. She is almost sorted into Slytherin but insists on being sorted elsewhere. She is sorted into Gryffindor.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Turns into a giant dragon, robs magical folk of their abilities, can conjure items wandlessly.

NOTES: He have the best line break I've seen: "ITSJUSTABORDERSOWHYAREYOUREADINGTHIS?" ARGH!!!!

( Another Ron/Sue? What is going on? )

TITLE: Lucifer's Rise
PERPETRATOR: Sessia Noir
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Lucifer Dante Noir and Severus Snape
SPECIES: Fallen Angels/Demons
HAIR: Lucifer: "silvery hair down past his shoulder blades", "white-silver".
EYES: Lucifer: "silvery-blue". Snape: "dark violet" and "lighter violet".
MARKINGS: Lucifer is tall and "aristocratic". Snape looks "younger than usual". They both have what looks like a "black snake tongue, long with a split tip". Where does it come from? "Those that we born with the gift of parseltongue, normally have a snake’s tongue like Severus or myself."
POSSESSIONS: "It was then that Harry noticed what they were wearing, Severus had a dark purple button-down shirt and black pants with a black belt. The shirt had a high collar but the top two buttons were undone to show some kind of silver medallion. Lucifer had a sliver button-down shirt with white pants and a white belt. His shirt also had a high collar with the medallion showing."

ORIGIN: Lucifer is "Lucifer in every sense". Need more clarification? "I am Lucifer. I am the angel that would willingly leave Heaven to explore the mortal relm. It is for that that I am considered evil, what good angel would leave Heaven? So The Powers forbid me from ever returning. I am continuously reincarnated because my soul can never rest. It was around then that the humans first started living. They had gone past the stage of ‘feral being’ and could now do ‘good’ or ‘evil’ acts. The Power’s decided that, since I was already banished from heaven, I would be the one to watch over The Living World that the humans lived in and Hell. All those who are to heavy with sins to stay in Heaven or even Purgatory would go to Hell. Now, this is where it gets interesting, the power to control all the elements of The Living World and Hell was to great for any one soul. Even an angel’s soul such as mine could not hold all the power, so Cerberus, pronounced ‘sur-ber-uhs’, was created. The first Lucifer split his soul and powers to create a new soul. Cerberus, like the original Lucifer, was forever bound to be reincarnated if he ever died. Cerberus and Lucifer were soul bound and linked because they were two halves of one whole. That is the story of our existence. You may know us as Lucius Dante Noir and Severus Snape, but in reality we are merely the reincarnated souls of Lucifer and Cerberus."
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Dumbledore is very upset that Snape has a lover that can Apparate and Disapparate on Hogwarts grounds. Then later they tell the Order. Moody had the best reaction: "What the hell?". Anyways, they actually show the Order because they just make out in front of them while speaking Parseltongue. Unfortunately for Harry he can understand what they are saying. It brings an extra level of horror to his experience.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Lucifer can Apparate on Hogwarts grounds. They both speak Parseltongue. Fallen angels/demons. Are immortal.

NOTES: You know, I would like to sit down and talk to the muse that inspired this. I really want to know where this came from.

( Dumbledore wouldn't put up with this shit. )

Thank you to the anonymous minion who sent in today's Sue!

TITLE: Make me wonder
PERPETRATOR: sweetwolf47
SUE-O-METER: (troll)

FULL NAME: Katherine aka "Kitty" aka You
SPECIES: "half cat demon, half vampire, and half fallen"
HAIR: red
EYES: purple
MARKINGS: 5'1". She has "cat ears and tail".
POSSESSIONS: a dark secret, cancer, a dog named bella, a hybrid, "a dark jeans and a black slipknot band tshirt with a messager [bag]", an ipod,

ORIGIN: Her dad and three other guys are trying to kill her because of her special magical powers. Her dad beats her, as well.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Feels that she's had a harder life than Harry Potter. She lives with Dumbledore. Despite being in sixth year, the Trio notice her existence just now. She dances to Britney Spears song on her ipod, and the new DADA Professors, Sirius and Remus, laugh at her dancing in the Great Hall. She has the hots for Lupin, but is going to be paired with Harry.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Is a loner, not that anyone would want to be around her. She likes to dance alone in the Great Hall.

NOTES: Sometimes when it looks to good to be true, it probably is.

( And when the troll mentioned 'cancer' it's fate was sealed for me. )

Thanks to the anonymous minion who sent in today's first Sue!


TITLE: Soft Spot
PERPETRATOR: AnAnGeLiNbLaCk
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Harry Potter
SPECIES: Cat Demon
HAIR: "raven", "a bit longer and wasn't as wild any more, but still disorderly"
EYES: "jade green"
MARKINGS: "had also lost a great deal of weight too, now looking as if he was nothing more than pale skin stretched over a gangely skeleton. Long hands that any pianist would envy...". A "elfin featured face". He has cat ears, a tail, and "sharp little fangs that clacked together with his lower teeth when he closed his mouth".
POSSESSIONS: A cat named Kasumi, it talks.

ORIGIN: Harry has some demon blood in him, and on his birthday he transforms into a cat demon.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Snape brings cat!Harry over to his place, where Harry is told about his true nature. Snape thinks he is cute, and Harry will be paired with Draco.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Anything he thinks of he gets.

NOTES: This was very difficult to read, I think it has to be a mix of the prose and the subject.

( Creepiest Snape ever. )

Dear City of Ottawa,

We have very different interpretations of the word "plowed" when referring to a snow covered street. Please update your dictionary to include the definition: "the removal of snow or debris to the point where any automobile, not just SUVs, are capable of driving down the road".

Thanks to soothstrange for sending in today's Stu!


TITLE: If I could only be normal
PERPETRATOR: just dont tell my mum Tell your mum what? That you write Gary Stus?
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Harry Potter
SPECIES: "a quarter demon, quarter angel, quarter elf and a quarter vampire"
HAIR: wild, but he can make it look like whatever he wants.
EYES: not described.
MARKINGS: He had "large white wings, pointed ears, clawed finger nails and fangs. He was also taller". He has "a long black and white stripped tail".
POSSESSIONS: Hedwig, his wand, his trunk, a bag of 500 Galleons. A sword that will never be blunt with "a small thin snake that wrapped around the handle its head resting on the place where the blade and handle met". He has "a quilt with pictures of magical creatures on it" from "Mrs Weasly", "a book on obscure magics" from Ravenclaw, "a case of samples from rare plants" from Hufflepuff, "a self restoring potions kit, it contained many potions including wolfsbane which Harry had taught Slytherin, on pain of death that he should tell anyone" from Salazar, "a pair of daggers with foot long blades that could be used for fighting of throwing" from Gryffindor, "semi precious stones" from his friend Hanna, and "a bag of Bertie Botts every flavour beans" from Death. He inherited all of the founders treasures.

ORIGIN: On his sixteenth birthday Harry undergoes a magical transformation. He can't handle his powers at first so he is sent to an alternate reality where Death tells him that James was a "vampiric elf" and Lily was an "angelic demon", and because of this Harry will never die. Then Death sends Harry back in time to see the four founders so he can learn how to control his powers.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: He can save Sirius Black because Sirius is trapped behind the veil and only angels can go back and for between the veil. This still doesn't explain how Sirius is going to come back, though. When visiting with the four founders, Harry gives them money so they can build the castle. He is sorted into Gryffindor, again. Harry and Salazar "discover" that the English that Harry writes is different from the English that everyone writes. Why this is a new discovery, and why Harry appears to be speaking just fine with everyone else doesn't make sense. He and his new friends ride a train to and from Hogwarts in the year 1000. Harry gives "Mrs Wealsy" her grandfather clock, which is really interesting because the grandfather clock wasn't invented until the 1600s. After spending a year with the founders, he gets to go back to the present. Harry is allowed to use magic outside of school now that he is sixteen. The he goes to visit some vampires before he goes back to Hogwarts, because he is the heir to the Elven throne. The vampires needed to find him or else the elves will wage a war against the vampires. At Hogwarts he has his usual friends, plus Draco.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Is immortal. He can visit his pal Death at anytime by "wiling" himself "nowhere". He can hide his wings, tail, ears, nails and fangs by concentrating very hard. He can perform magic with just his thoughts. He is a parselmouth. He is great a forging swords with his mind. He has the "earth and fire elements" in his power. Harry's tears can heal phoenix wounds. He is a Metamorphmagus. I think he is a Seer as well.

NOTES: You will forgive me if I gave up after seven chapters. I can't slog through 48 chapters of this mess.

( One of Harry's new powers is the ability to speak like a robot. )

Thanks to bittybye2000 for sending in today's first Sue!

TITLE: The Fourth Power
PERPETRATOR: fullsailnate
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Harry Potter aka Flame/Nightmare/Venificus and Hermione Granger aka Blade/Dreem/Toxis
SPECIES: Shadow Masters aka demon.
HAIR: not mentioned in the chapters that I read.
EYES: Hermione: "glinting with the beginnings of death lust".
MARKINGS: none mentioned in the chapters that I read.
POSSESSIONS: Harry and Hermione are both wearing: "blood red combat robes, and a black open-front cloak. The cloak was fastened to [the] robes at two points near [their] shoulders with clasps bearing the Circle Insignia", it's their "Cloaks of Shadow". Harry has "a Chrome-plated 9mm handgun". They have crystal pendants that emit their magical signature.

ORIGIN: "Harry and Hermione have formed a secret society in order to destroy the Dark Lord's forces." Uh, isn't there one already? The Order of the Phoenix?
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Sadly, they decided to create a super group called "The Imperial Dragon Circle", and in the first chapter they execute Lucius Malfoy with lots of flourish. Then continue to kill more Death Eaters, and tell Dumbledore to remove all of his spies, or else they will be killed by Voldemort. Harry and Hermione are together, soul mates I suppose.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Harry is the "the chief assassin of the Imperial Dragon Circle", he has wandless magic skills, . As Shadow Masters, their magical signatures are masked, meaning they can not be found on the Marauders Map. They are skilled at Enchantment, Occlumency and Legilimency, and Technomancy. Harry controls the Dragon Flame, and Hermione makes her own weapons at will from an unknown metal.

NOTES: The Suethor is in the military, and you can tell from some of the phrasing in the story, such as: "The students from Gryffindor and the other houses met outside the room, and trooped in as a unit". Thankfully, they admit that they are not any good at writing romance, and do very little of it.

( And this is what earned the story it's 'Toxic' rating. )

This will ensure that you never do anything useful again in your life.

Tonight we have another screwed-up crossover, but this one is extra-special.

TITLE: Of Demons and Wizards
PERPETRATOR: Kanna-Chan

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Kariko no Sesshomaru
SPECIES: hanyou/witch
HAIR: 'very long silver hair'
EYES: I tend to assume they're gold.
MARKINGS: 'two pointed dog ears'. As opposed to three of them. Or only one.
POSESSIONS: none mentioned.

ORIGIN: The daughter of Sesshoumaru and Rin from the anime Inuyasha. I could go into great deal about why Sess/Rin squicks me, but anybody who's seen the anime will probably be able to guess and anybody who hasn't won't care. Anyway, the important points here: she's half human and half dog-demon, and she's going to Hogwarts.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Um. She's going to Hogwarts.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned.

NOTES: I suppose the fact that Kariko is a 'school bully' and considers humans 'beneath' her removes a few Sue points. Or would, if they were an attempt to create a character with a personality rather than just saying 'Sesshoumaru's daughter is a lot like him but will change when she falls in love with a hot wizard OMG'.

A few more points really ought to come off for the fact that the hot wizard up there will not be Harry or Draco - the author has speicifically stated that the canon HP characters won't be in this. But the canon characters are the reason why we read fanfiction at all, so what remains is a story pretty much devoid of any reason to be interested in it.

And all those points come back when we note that this is a second-generation character. These tend to be Sues by default... even when they're canon. The first example that leaps to mind is Brianna Fraser, but none of you are going to know who that is, so forget it.

SAMPLE: ( Fluffy's Daughter Goes To Hogwarts! Isn't That A Cool Idea? )

Have I mentioned that I hate winter?

TITLE: My December (NO! Bad Sue! I like that song!)
PERPETRATOR: CoMeWhAtMaY

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Merela Lilith Catreze. There are bonus-Sues called 'Li Oliver', 'Majestica Vincent', and 'Raven Knighthawk'. Yup - 'Majestica Vincent' and 'Raven Knighthawk'. I could not make this up.
SPECIES: demon spawn for which I know no name but 'abomination'
HAIR: 'black braids', 'her black hair fall down in soft curls'
EYES: 'red-black eyes' (um... anybody else having trouble picturing this?)
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: school ties with her initials embroidered on them.

ORIGIN: The Planet of the Sues.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Appears to be a friend of Tom Riddle's.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned

NOTES: This is amazingly incoherent. I keep thinking I have found the ultimate in fanfic incoherence, and every time I end up being proven wrong within two weeks. It's incredible.

There is much removing of clothes in this fic, all of it for reasons having nothing to do with sex. Speaking of which, don't 'Merela Lilith Catreze' and 'Majestica Vincent' sound like names for porn stars?

SAMPLE: ( Let's Take Our Clothes Off For No Good Reason At All! )