And Bloody Annoying Starlet Week ends with a Jessica, for Jessica Simpson. Marrying a Backstreet Boy guy from 98* does not make you talented.

The server that hosts my eyeball graphics is down, by the way.

TITLE: Love, Actually (can't you Sue Author's even come up with your own titles?)
PERPETRATOR: AlanRickmanluvr13

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Jessica Ember Black
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'beautiful black hair, and it reached her hips making it wave whenever she walked.'
EYES: 'Her eyes were a stunning brown that almost reached black, most confused it as black, but she never said anything.'
MARKINGS: 'Her skin was a tan color from spending her free time in the sun and had a well proportioned body, some would say she didn’t look 16, instead they mistaken her for a beautiful woman of 22 who had a career in muggle modeling.'
POSESSIONS: Muggle wardrobe, yadda yadda.

ORIGIN: Sirius Black's little sister.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Sirius' sister, who will - who'd have thought! - fall in love with Severus Snape. No, really, I was totally shocked. The author's name wasn't a dead givaway at all. *eyeroll*
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Believing herself to be ugly. Woman, you're a Mary-Sue! Sheesh...

NOTES: Peter is cut from this fic by simply failing to show when expected. Nobody cares much, 'cause he's not cute. The locations of paragraph breaks appear to be arbitrary.

Here's something to think on: say you're writing a fanfic, and the next book that comes along contradicts it in some detail. What, seriously, do you do? If it's a big problem, like what would have been your main character getting killed off, then I suppose your choices are 'label it AU and press on' or 'delete it'. And what if it's only a small thing, like a character turning out to be in a different house than you thought? Do you do one of the above, or do you go back and rewrite to bring it into line with canon? What's the best course of action here?

I'm asking, because this is one of those fics that makes Snape all buddy-buddy with Lucius Malfoy at Hogwarts, and it has been updated recently, meaning the author is aware that this was simply not so. I tend to simply avoid this problem by not writing about stuff that might get contradicted by impending canon, or introducing something else that makes the story an AU anyway. Any thoughts, anyone?

SAMPLE: ( Who? Me? Gorgeous? Never! )

I suppose it's my turn now to cough up and say what's on my playlist... so let's see: Aerosmith, Alanis, Amanda Marshall, Amy Sky, the Arrogant Worms, Avril Lavigne, Bif Naked, Billy Joel, Blink 182, Bree Sharp, Bryan Adams, Chantal Kreviazuk, Cher, Crush, Don Henley, Don MacLean, Eric Stuart, Evanescence, Faith Hill, the Gin Blossoms, the Goo Goo Dolls, Great Big Sea, Heart, Heather Nova, Jan Arden, Jimmy Eat World, John Cougar Mellencamp, Josh Groban, Lifehouse, Lisa Loeb, Live on Release, Lonestar, Nicole Nordemann, Nine Days, Our Lady Peace, P!nk, Roch Voisine, Rod Stewart, Savage Garden, Sloan, Smashmouth, Soul Decision, SR-71, Third Eye Blind, Three Doors Down, Train, U2, and Vertical Horizon.

Today's entry in Bloody Annoying Starlet Week is an Anne for Anne Hathaway. God, she pisses me off.

TITLE: It's hard to be a Potter (what with clay in your hair and broken fingernails and all)
PERPETRATOR: Aleka Potter

SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Anne Potter. There seem to be a lot of those.
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'brown hair'
EYES: 'stunningly green eyes', which for some reason makes me picture a Sue with eye lasers.
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: none mentioned

ORIGIN: Harry and Hermione's daughter.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: See above - best friends with Charlie, Ron and Lavender's son (I assume, at least, that Ron's in there... can't think of anybody else who would grow up and buy the Chudley Cannons), and with Thomas, Neville and Luna's son (I must admit to a weakness for Neville/Luna). There's a Ryan Malfoy running around, too, who seems to be Anne's boyfriend, and a Pansy Malfoy who is always making her life hell. Yawn.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned.

NOTES: Once again, boring.

SAMPLE: ( Look At All The Little Gary Stus. )

Just out of curiosity... we seem to spend a great deal of time around here complaining about Sue Authors' terrible taste in music. So what do my loyal minions consider to be GOOD music?

TITLE: Mandy's Adventures In Hogwarts (too bad I already parodied the song...)
PERPETRATOR: B-Dawg

SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Mandy Brocklehurst. Why does that name ring a bell?
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'She had dark brown hair that curled behind her ears and fell almost to the small of her back'
EYES: 'she was complimented the most on her blue eyes. Everyone said they looked like the bottom of some glistening pool.'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: a wand, although it's quite normal: 'Maple and phoenix feather. Seven inches, quite whippy'

ORIGIN: At first seems to be Muggleborn, but it appears she has some kind of big secret that even she doesn't know. I am frankly not interested enough to find out. She's probably another daughter of Voldemort or something.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: None in the part I managed to wade through, except that Professor Quirrel takes her shopping.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned.

NOTES: There is absolutely nothing original here. Not a molecule. It's like an herbal tea... a quiet blend of 'Standard Mary-Sue' and 'SS/PS Ripoff', and just as soporific.

SAMPLE: ( Boooooring. )

I don't know why the mall bothers being open on nights when there's a hockey game.

TITLE: Avril
PERPETRATOR: amanda-bires

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Avril Morris. Is this like a cross between Avril Lavigne and Alanis Morrisette? And would such a chimaera actually make good music?
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'shoulder length brown hair'. It swirls.
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: A bonus-Sue best friend named Hannah Fields.

ORIGIN: I think she sprouted on the Quidditch pitch. Like some kind of mushroom.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: The Weasley twins and Lee Jordan apparently like her. Though I can't imagine why.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned.

NOTES: Every so often we come across a fic so utterly devoid of substance that I can't think of anything to say in the 'notes' section. This is one of those. It has two reviews, both of them by its own author... the first is a plea for people to review her story. The second is a 'haha, never mind, this story is retarded!' which represents either a moment of clarity or a plea for reassurance. I can't decide which.

SAMPLE: ( Plot? You Mean, Like, Something's Suppose To HAPPEN In A Fanfic? Get Out! )

Okay, guys... just an announcement: I'm retiring the original PSotD shirts, the ones with the Mary-Sue faces on them. If anybody wants to nab one before they go, I'll leave 'em there until the end of June.

TITLE: The New Year At Hogwarts
PERPETRATOR: PunkRockerFromHogwarts (now there's an ill wind for you)

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Hilary and Storm Black
SPECIES: Human/Witches
HAIR: Hilary's is long, and she wants to put blue streaks in it. Otherwise I have no idea.
EYES: Storm's are blue.
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: Sounds like a lot of Muggle CDs they should not have. And a Bonus-Stu older brother named Bradley.

ORIGIN: Sirius Black's random daughters. This appears to be the sequel to an earlier fic that will explain their origin, but I doubt actually finding out would lessen my headache any.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Sirius' daughters. Ron and Harry seem to like them. They call Remus 'Uncle Remmie'.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Acting like five-year-olds who have snorted an entire package of Pixie Stix and then drunk a six-pack of Mt. Dew. Each.

NOTES: This is one of those fics that you can read three or four times through and STILL have no idea who any of these people are or what the hell is going on. I couldn't write something this incoherent if I tried. And I will not be trying.

Chapter three is from Ron's POV. For no reason at all.

SAMPLE: ( The Caps Lock Key Does Not Deserve This. )

Today we have a Christina, in dishonour of the sometimes disputed Princess of Bloody Annoying Starlets.

TITLE: Christina
PERPETRATOR: HolaChica

SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Christina Weasley
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'a dark mahogany brown. It fell to her shoulders ad framed her face'. Except when the twins pulled a prank on her, and it was 'bright orange and sticking up at odd angles'
EYES: 'bright blue eyes'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: Loads of makeup. Conditioner that one does not mess with. American slang out the wazoo.

ORIGIN: Some Weasley cousin who randomly shows up.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: A Weasley of some sort. Hits on Oliver Wood.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned.

NOTES: The fact that this fic includes the phrase 'do not mess with my conditioner' almost makes me want to like it. If there were more of that, I'd say this was an excellent parody. But instead, it's just... dull.

And the first chapter is nothing but a verse of really bad poetry suggesting that Our Sueoine will be paired with Draco.

SAMPLE: ( Do Not Mess With Sue's Conditioner! )

This week is Bloody Annoying Starlet Week, and believe me, it's damn tough to find fics to fit the bill. Searching by name tends to turn up eighty million songfics, all to the same stupid song.

Anyway, first up we have a Britney, in dishonour of the undisputed queen of Bloody Annoying Starlets.

TITLE: What secerets can do
PERPETRATOR: betraya's heart (... the hell?)

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Britney Sanches
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'midnight black'
EYES: Apparently they're red. And glow when she looks at her clock radio.
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: a bonus-sue friend named Rachel, who cusses a lot and smokes despite the fact that it says these girls are eleven.

ORIGIN: All of her realtives die in a 'terrible car accident', then she goes to Hogwarts.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Draco and Harry both seem to like her, but the prose is so desperately awful it's hard to make out.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Prophetic dreams.

NOTES: I think this fic might actually be more annoying that the starlet its main character is named for. Let's sum up:

Chapter one: Britney dreams that all her relatives die in an accident. Then she wakes up, and they do. Of all four chapters, this one is the easiest to understand. If after me telling you that and then you reading the sample below makes you terrified... good. You should be.

Chapter two: Britney checks her mail and gets a Hogwarts letter - I think. Then she goes to Diagon Alley with her friend Rachel and meets Draco and Harry in Madam Malkins... again, I think.

Chapter three: One paragraph, in which Britney and Rachel get on the train and talk to Draco again.

Chapter four: People named Stacy and Kat materialize and then vanish again without actually having done anything worthwhile. Crabbe and Goyle make a poorly-spelled cameo, and our heroine is sorted into Slytherin, apparently like her father... who has been living at the Malfoys' house all these years. I don't get it, either.

SAMPLE: ( And Remember, The Other Chapters Are Even More Opaque )