In case you are wondering, I know we are past-Due for the Golden Bubotubers but once I calculate the stats and post them I will post the nominations announcement. In the meantime peruse the appropriate Suechive for ideas.


TITLE: A New Destiny
PERPETRATOR: Lauren Graham
SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Aurora "Rory" Idande
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: green
MARKINGS: not described
POSSESSIONS: a CD player filled with music from 2002. This is why you don't put your favourite bands in fan fic, 7 years later it looks silly.

ORIGIN: Accepted to Hogwarts at the age of 15. Over the summer she gets a "crash course" to make up for the first 4 years of magical school she missed.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Meets Harry Potter and friends at King's Cross Station. Shows Ron what a CD Player is. After some difficulty deciding and veiled comments the Sorting Hat sorts her into Gryffindor. On September 11, she is very outward with her grief and remembering to the point where Dumbledore talks to the school about it, and allows her to say a piece of remembrance to the school. Malfoy and the Slytherins don't care about her sadness, and is rude to her. She performs her patriotic duty and kicks Malfoy in the balls, making her the "hero" to all of the other Houses, and welcomed into the Trio. On Halloween she has a dream where the Potters tell her to protect "the light" aka Harry. Then she has a late night conversation with Harry where she encourages him not to lose heart, and to not be afraid. They fall asleep together, and are destined to be together.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Says "Um" and "Er" at the beginning of all of her sentences, which is a giant pet peeve of mine. Has some sort of unnamed reason to "protect" Harry.

NOTES: I find the amount of references to 9/11 bizarre as a writer and fascinating as a historian. It makes me wonder how many older works of fan fiction reference other current events, and insert them into the story.

Fascination aside, Suethors shouldn't be using 9/11 as a way to explain character traits or garner reader sympathy or admiration.

Also, I never thought I's use the 9/11 tag again, but I guess one should never assume anything in fan fiction.

( It's like I opened someone's time capsule! )

Congratulations to dirtyplebeian who had the first comment eight times! I hope you enjoy the banner!


E2D sent in today's "First Harry Potter Sue". They remember it well, it comes from a dark period in Fiction Alley's history. They write: "Yeah, FA had really low standards in 2001. And so was mine, as I slogged through the 19 chapters of wish fulfillment. Karlien( the author / protagonist ) struck me as completely shameless, as she included details about her (real?) parents, siblings, combined with her love life with Harry etc. I recall nothing about her personality, so I guess she had none. Her reviewers (another thing I didn't check back then) call her "an airhead" - but someone from FA also offered to beta ("This story has potential.") The joys of posting at a new archive!"


TITLE: Harry Potter and the Book of Impossibility
PERPETRATOR: Karlien
SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Karlien van Voorthuizen
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: "blond hear at her shoulders, the same length as he had and a good looking shape".
EYES: blue
MARKINGS: Harry thinks Karlien was even more beautiful then Cho Chang, and then that "you look more beautiful than a veela". tanned, everyone else is pasty. Her breasts are "beautiful shaped".
POSSESSIONS: A Nimbus 2500, "just new". "A few school robes of her old school, a lot of muggle clothes. Short skirts, longer ones, tight tops, less tight tops, sweaters, t-shits, pants, bra�s, other underwear, shoes, and a few dress robes. Everything looked beautiful." She has a blue bikini. A book that teaches you how to be an Animagus.

ORIGIN: Well, here is the summary: "Harry meets a girl (Karlien) and they will fall in love immediately. After a pleasant holiday, Harry, Karlien, Hermione and Ron return to Hogwarts for their fifth year. Dumbledore gives them special treatment, like own dorm and bath room, no curfew. After a nice Christmas holiday in Amsterdam, they find a book. A very special book�" Why Amsterdam? Because the Suethor is from the Netherlands!
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: The story starts out with Harry at the Dursley's, then 9/11 happens, and Harry thinks it's stupid to think that muggles hijacked those planes, but leaves it at that. Some new neighbors move in, and when Aunt Petunia goes over to meet them Harry joins her. She allows this, and tells Harry to tell them "nothing about your thing". Karlien fangirl-screams when she meets Harry and tells him that he saved her parents from Voldemort. Their parents were co-workers. She has been sorted before and will be in Gryffindor. "He had this strange feeling about her, and he also noticed that she acted other then other girls, she tried to be as close as possible to him, she used every opportunity to touch him somehow. And he did the same to her." They spend the day together, and end it with them confessing their love and spending 5 minutes kissing. Harry is allowed to stay with her. Her mom almost cries with joy when she learns that Harry is dating her daughter. Dudley is upset because he fell in love with Karlien when he saw her, too. Anyways, Harry goes for a shower, and Karlien joins him, where they just kiss. They share a bed, but nothing happens because they've decided to wait until Christmas. In the morning she lets Harry dress her? What does the fashion guru pick? Finally he said: "This is it, it�s perfect," she wore a short blue skirt and a tight blue top, "to make it even better, you shouldn�t wear that bra under it." He said.

She took of the top, and then her bra. Harry looked at her for a moment. Then she put on the top again and Harry looked very happy.

"Your so beautiful." He said. She blushed. *claps slowly*
Then they meet her family, and they all speak Dutch, the Weasleys and Hermione were also there. Then "Dudley" attacks him saying, "So this is how the famous Harry Potter comes to his end, at a party, with all his friends around him, his girlfriend crying. Killed by his own nephew, who he thought was a muggle, but was a Deatheater for the Dark Lord. Avada Kedavra." But the spell bounced off Harry and hit "Dudley". "Dudley" turns out to be Peter. The next day they go to the Burrow. Hermione tries to copy Karlien. Then Harry and Karlien fool around. The next day they go to Hogwarts, and Draco hits them with the "Tseeggiteinrev curse", which is like the Dementor's Kiss. It doesn't work because Harry and Karlien are soul mates. Draco is caught by Aurors, and is expelled and sent to Azkaban. Then it comes out that Voldemort caused 9/11 by controlling the pilots. Then there is a disco in the Gryffindor common room, with a DJ. Liquor is served to third years and higher. They dance to Nirvana because she hates R 'n' B. After that their time is spent trying to become animagi. She wants to be a Pheonix and Harry wants to be a lion. Why? "because it�s one of the few things Voldemort is really afraid of, he could easily handle a lion, but because he�s afraid of it, he only stands looking at it, peeing in his pants, not able to do anything at all,". Then they have sex, which results in the ability to speak telepathically to one another. Then over Christmas they have a vacation in Amsterdam, where Harry proposes. I'd like to mention at this point that they are 15. Then the Marauders travel through time and show up, Dumbeldore makes them go to school as fifth-years. The Death Eaters attack Hogwarts and demand money. Then there is a huge battle and Harry in lion form bites off Voldemort's balls, and then inhuman form quarters him. Then everyone lives happily ever after.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Harry "somehow trusted her with all his secrets, although he promised to Dumbledore not to tell it to anyone". "I play Quidditch too, I�m keeper, a very good one if I may say so." Is good a crying in stressful situations. She teaches Harry how to swim and to speak Dutch. She encourages her 15-year-old peers to drink Bacardi Breezers. She learns to be a Pheonix Animagus.

NOTES: The Author's Notes are made of win: "my hobbies are: Sailing, swimming and I'm DJ on schoolparty. Karlien looks a lot like me, except that I'm not a girls nor I can do magic." There are lots of good quotes, the best way to announce your pregnant to your in-laws? Right here: "I haven�t had my period for two months now, and two months ago Percy and I... well... you know, we did it two months ago. That means I�m pregnant". On sexual excitment? "It was the best kiss ever. She felt something becoming hard between her legs, she and Harry had the same size, so where her tummy stopped, Harry�s tummy stopped. She knew what she felt, she was excited too, but that is the advantage of being a girl, you can hardly see or feel it when a girl is excited. Boys have something that always betrayed them. She knew that most boys don�t like that."

( Welcome to self-insert 101. )

If I were potterbadfic, today I would be complaining about a piece I found called Love Potions... in which Neville's cauldron blows up, dousing Hermione and Draco in a love potion that means they have to kiss passionately every few minutes (it never says what'll happen if they don't, which is a bit of a disappointment). Is there anything authors won't do to get a pet pairing together? Or perhaps more relevantly, is there anything they will do that hasn't already been done fifty times?

However, I'm pottersues, so I'll take today to gripe about this one instead:

TITLE: Sky Dancers (weren't those a kind of My Little Pony?)
PERPETRATOR: arrow-card

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: unknown... I think it's Kelsey
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'honey brown hair', 'My hair comes down to just below my shoulders. Chris says I look better with my hair down but everyone else says up. My hair is strait but just wavy enough. I have natural blond streaks. Don't you dare start making blond jokes!'
EYES: 'gray brown'
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: an uber-speshul wand and broomstick.

ORIGIN: I'm a bit unclear on this... she apparently lost much of her family, some of it in the September 11 attacks, and found out she's a witch when she could, suddenly and without any training, fly a broomstick. Upon learning this, she exclaimed, and I quote, "holly shit!"
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: The summary says she has something to do with an organization called the 'Sky Dancers' and is going to fall in love with Draco. I cannot fish anything like this out of the text of the story itself... you'll see why in the sample.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Claims to be extremely smart. Her spelling suggests otherwise.

NOTES: This fic deserves some kind of an award... for both tastelessness (you do not use 9/11 as an excuse to deprive your Mary-Sue of family members. You just do not) and general incomprehensibility. I have never had to wade through a more muddled mess of an excuse for fanfiction.

In three chapters there are only two reviews. One is by the author herself. The other must be by either her sockpuppet, her mother, or her best friend, because I cannot imagine anybody else who would praise this crap.

SAMPLE: ( Click Here To See What I Mean )