Today I got around to reading that website with the theory about how Ron will go back in time and become Dumbledore... it reminds me strongly of my high school English teacher dissecting Hamlet, and induces a similar urge to laugh aloud.

TITLE: The One They Missed
PERPETRATOR: ZONKOFRED

SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Gwen Gradigh, which apparently means 'fair noble'
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'her reddish-brown waves of hair'
EYES: 'one of her eyes was an odd grey/blue color, and the other was hazel, so it varied in shades of green to brown' Different coloured and colour-changing eyes! If the rest of the story weren't so dull, I'd add an eyeball for that.
MARKINGS: none besides her freaky eyes.
POSESSIONS: a locket with To our dearest Gwen on your first birthday. 8/15/85 engraved on it. And a blue cat.

ORIGIN: She was raised by parents who apparently hate her, and wanders into the Leaky Cauldron one day. There, she meets Draco and becomes his new best friend. Then she goes to Hogwarts.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Draco's new friend, posing as his little sister so that his girlfriend 'Allison' won't get jealous. Eh, still a Sue.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: She apparently never got a Hogwarts letter, but was able to enter the Leaky Cauldron, so Dumbledore invited her to come to the school.

NOTES: This is one for the Just Another Sue category. Nothing remarkable here. Though the part where Draco assures his father that 'she's a pureblood' is funny. I think the real Lucius would probably proceed to ask a whole bunch of questions about her family... after all, the Weasleys are purebloods, to, but that doesn't mean they get to hang out with Malfoys.

SAMPLE: ( Draco's Being Nice - I'd Say Something Must Be Wrong Here, But Then, This Is A Sue. )

Okay, now I'm sorry Guinevere got a toxic...

TITLE: The Neo Marauders (that gives me this weird mental picture like The Matrix meets Inner Space via Harry Potter, with Hogwarts students in a little tiny submarine swimming in Neo's veins... perhaps I'm not sleeping enough.)
PERPETRATOR: The Neo Marauders (Danger, Will Robinson)

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Winter Rose (*snerk*), Pandora Evans (*snigger*), and Sunny Beam (BWA-HA-HA!)
SPECIES: Mary Sues from the ninth pit of hell
HAIR: not described... at least, not before I got too annoyed to keep reading.
EYES: see above
MARKINGS: see above
POSESSIONS: One of them has '500 Galleon Gucci Shoes'

ORIGIN: God knows.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: One of them is Sirius Black's niece. I can't be bothered to find out which.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: One's a werewolf, one's an animagus who turns into a blue and silver phoenix (and says that doing so is annoying), and the third one is a fox animagus... though they argue over who gets to be the fox.

NOTES: Only once in the history of pottersues have I actually reconsidered a rating to the point of doing something about it. Well, let me tell you that as soon as I've posted this, I'm going back and upping Guinevere Marlowe to an 'awful'. Guinevere was reasonably harmless as Sues go, and doesn't deserve to share a rating with this... thing.

SAMPLE: ( It Burns Us, Precious. )

I know you guys don't always agree with me and I respect that... but anything with 'viridian orbs' or whatever the hell that was is automatically toxic in my book.

Oh, and this is funny, even if it doesn't appear to have lasted long: save_the_sues

TITLE: Fa A Bhialainn Ann (anybody care to translate?)
PERPETRATOR: Veralidaine

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Fiona McLellan
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'She brushed back her wavy hair, dark red-brown in the sunlight from the window.'
EYES: 'Gray-blue eyes'
MARKINGS: Apparently she looks Irish. I never noticed Irish people looking too terribly different from anybody else, myself...
POSESSIONS: none mentioned

ORIGIN: An 'Irish Farm Girl' who is transferring to Hogwarts from Dublin Wizarding Academy because she's a 'Special Case'. I think that means that Irish magic schools don't allow Mary-Sues. Is in Slytherin, which considering her personality is absurd.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Friends with MWPP, minus the W (as usual). Snape and somebody named 'Lucious' hate her.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Calling on faries.

NOTES: Wherever do I begin? Let's start with her being Irish... unless I'm very much mistaken, Seamus Finnegan is Irish, and I seem to recall having heard somewhere that the Weasleys live in Ireland, so somehow I don't think an Irish student at Hogwarts would stand out quite so much as this author appears to believe.

Then there are her little friends... Annelle Jonson and Lily Andrews. This Lily seems to have auburn hair and green eyes and to be going out with James Potter, so hopefully at some point Lily Evans will give her a good bitchslapping for trying to steal her man. Then there's the complete absence of Peter, the fact that this mysterious Lucious appears to know that Lupin is a werewolf, and the fact that both Fiona and Lily are in Slytherin - sorry, but no matter how the fans complain about 'sterotyping' of Slytherins and lack of complexity in the characters, the fact remains that we know what Slytherins are like and they are not like these two Mary-Sues... even if said Mary-Sues were not Muggle-born.

I think the most recent reviewer pretty much sums this sucker up: Whoa! If this what you call a NOT Mary-Sue, I'd really hate to see what you call a real Mary-Sue!

SAMPLE: ( Fear My 1337 Sue Powers! )

It seems I have a fan. My sister told me that she mentioned me while talking to a co-worker, who went, "wow! pottersues is your sister?" Now all I need is a cameo in a webcomic, and I'll know I'm famous. ^_^

TITLE: No One's Hero: Book One
PERPETRATOR: The Cynic (no, that's me)

SUE-O-METER: (awful)

FULL NAME: Guinivere Marlowe. No, really: Guinivere Marlowe.
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'a sort of dark reddish-brown'
EYES: 'large, pale green eyes', described also as crystal green, verdant, and vert, among others. This author must have dredged thesaurus.com for synonyms for 'green' and decided to use every last one.
MARKINGS: 'a small brown birthmark where her jaw connected to her skull'
POSESSIONS: a water-nymph named Aua who seems to be her Only Friend And Confidant. Her wand, 'Twelve inches long, ebony and dragon's heartstring', which she picks out herself and gets right first try, very much to Ollivander's surprise.

ORIGIN: The daughter of another Mary-Sue, Beautiful Death Eater Angeline Marlowe. Was sent to Shadelhurst School for the Dark Arts until she was eleven, then went on to Hogwarts.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Well, she goes to Hogwarts...
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Picking out her own wand. Angsting at great length.

NOTES: This fic's prose is so purple that it runs right out the end of ultraviolet into gamma ray terretory. But it does have a 'delicate whine glass', which cracks me up.

SAMPLE: ( I Think The Prose Is Givine Me A Sunburn. )

My God, but it was raining earlier. I now know what they mean when they say 'sheets of rain'. Awesome.

Amusing, also - Warren and his buddies are camping this weekend.

TITLE: The Dating Game
PERPETRATOR: WitchBitch (well, at least we know what house her Sue will be in)

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'I used a sever charm to give myself a new, spiky haircut, and then I turned it a really offensive shade of purple.'
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: 'I conjured up an awesome bolt and drove it through my eyebrow'
POSESSIONS: do I even need to fill this in?

ORIGIN: Once again, Hermione is being possessed by the spirit of an author who thinks Avril Lavigne qualifies as punk.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Ron thinks her new look is so hot it made him throw up. Seriously.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Being so OOC that even the other characters are getting nauseous.

NOTES: Random POV switches, no paragraph breaks, Hermione-gone-punk, and a summary that proclaims this to be (a) her first fanfic, and (b) 'I tried to avoid it being a Mary-Sue story'. It's not the story's fault... after all that, it was just destined to suck.

Excuse me, now, because I'm going to go make CoS screencaps so I can have an icon that says 'Hermione-Sues Make Ron Throw Up'.

SAMPLE: ( It's Okay, Ron. We Know How You Feel. )

With livejournal being funky today I thought for a while that I might have to postpone the Sue! Luckily, it decided to cooperate.

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Tale of Julie Potter (and she claims it's not a Mary-Sue)
PERPETRATOR: key1

SUE-O-METER: (toxic)

FULL NAME: Julie Potter
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'auburn hair'
EYES: 'green eyes'
MARKINGS: lightning-bolt scar on her forehead for absolutely no real reason, since she didn't get touched by Voldemort's curse.
POSESSIONS: A hippogryph who is her best friend, Lily's smile.

ORIGIN: *deep breath* So Julie was hidden in a tree when Voldemort attacked, and then 'his most loyal death eater' came to kill her by levitating her up into outer space. However she was rescued by a hippogryph and taken to live with the Delacour family, where she's sort of a Cinderella to Fleur. Eventually she gets fed up and runs away to Hogwarts. Sorted into Gryffindor.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Harry's sister. Being the Harry to Fleur Delacour's Dudley (funny, I thought Fleur had more manners than that). Draco thinks she's hot.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Speaking fangirl French.

NOTES: The 'space' part is hysterical. Read the sample to see why.

SAMPLE: ( No! Not SPACE! )

This week is Not A Mary-Sue Week. That's right... not one character featured this week will be a Mary-Sue! And how, you ask, do I know that they're not? Why, because the summaries say so!

TITLE: Lady Landenarr
PERPETRATOR: Hermione19

SUE-O-METER: (bad)

FULL NAME: Alanna Mary Riddle, but she calls herself Lady Landenarr, because when you rearrange the letters in 'Alanna Mary Riddle', you get 'I am Lady Landenarr'. But she's not ripping it off from Voldemort, because she did it first, y'know. Too bad 'Voldemort' actually means something, while 'Landenarr' looks like the AIM handle of some self-proclaimed reincarnated druid priestess who's probably a member of PETA.
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: 'dark-haired'
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: is described as 'pale'.
POSESSIONS: none mentioned

ORIGIN: Tom Riddle's sister, who turns up at present-day Hogwarts thanks to a 'fifty-eight year sleep curse'. She then offers to help Harry defeat Voldemort, does so, then she kills Harry, destroys Hogwarts, and takes over the Death Eater operation. Whee.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: See above.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: being more powerful and evil than Voldemort.

NOTES: This is a parody, as evidenced by the fact that the main character complains about the clichés before killing everybody. Somehow, that fails to make the whole thing any less dumb. Must the fourth wall break in every single parody ever written?

SAMPLE: ( Enter Sue. The Rest Is Similarly Uninspired. )