I give you the Pottersues FAQ:

Q: What's a Mary-Sue?
A: A Mary-Sue is a new character introduced into a world via a fanfic. She's beautiful, powerful, has a perfect personality, falls in love with the author's favourite canon character, and generally pisses the reader off. If you want a better definition, click here. Or here. Or here. Or here. Those are mary-Sues.

Q: Why do you do this?
A: Because it makes people laugh. Seriously, that's the only reason. It's your story and you can write what you want. This is my journal and I can mock what I want. I'm not on a holy quest to rid the world of bad fanfiction. I'm just in it for the funny. I've written up a slightly longer and more philosophical answer to this question here.


Q: Why am I not allowed to make comments about the Suethor?
A: I'm not doing pottersues to have people hate a Suethor. We've all been Suethors, and I don't think "OMG THEY SHOULD DIE!!!" is a valid and equal response to writing Voldemort's daughter Sue. Neither is calling them a "bitch" or other derogatory names. Can you say that their prose sucks? Sure. Any negative comments are directed at the Sues only. I will delete comments that break this rule. I know many of you are trying to be funny, but if you can't handle a crappy Mary-Sue then maybe this journal is too much for you.

Q: What are those fried-egg things in the Sue-O-Meter?
A: Eyeballs. They were pried out of their sockets with sporks in accordance with Matthew 5:29. The more eyeballs a Sue gets, the worse it is.

Q: Why don't said fried-egg things ever show up?
A: Because the server I'm hosting them on sucks comically huge goat balls.

Q: Why do the minions compete for first comment?
A: I dunno, I guess it makes them feel special.

Q: Hey! I had first comment! Why'd you delete it?
A: Because any comment that only says 'first comment', I delete. You have to prove you read the entry, or else you're cheating.

Q: What's with all the sporking?
A: Beats me. Seriously, I have no idea where the spork thing got started... I think 'spork' is just a funny word. Besides, sporks are exactly the right shape and size for digging out eyeballs. Whoever started this one may have borrowed the term from Television Without Pity. They define 'sporking' here.

Q: Why is 'possessions' spelled wrong in every single Sue report?
A: Because I like to be consistent, and I'm too lazy to go back and change it on all eight-hundred-odd past Sues.

Q: What is 'purple prose'?
A: Prose is considered purple if it insists upon describing everything in nauseating detail. If Harry's eyes 'glow with the dull fire of raw emeralds' and Hermione's hair is 'a shower of butter-brown ringlets, lit with gold in the highlights', if Dumbledore's robes are 'rich purple velvet embroidered with glittering golden lionfish and shifting in the candlelight as if alive' and Snape 'strides into the room in a swirl of crimson-lined black silk'... that's purple prose. The best example might be this feature.

Q: What is 'wangst'?
A: 'Wangst' is a term coined by fandom_wank - the word is derived from a combination of 'wank' and 'angst'. As such, we may define 'wangst' as being like angst, only more self-congratulatory. It's the 'I hate being a princess, nobody understands how heavy all these pretty dresses and jewels are, and I'm allergic to my pony!' kind of angst.

Q: Could you explain the rating system in some more detail, please?
A: Click here.

Q: What is the pepper jack cheese joke?
A: Pepper Jack Cheese is a symbol of projecting ones own tastes and desires onto a canon character (thus transforming said character into an OOC Mary-Sue). It derives from a fanfic that described Hermione as liking pepper jack cheese because, as was explained in an author's note, it was the writer's favourite kind.

Q: What are those four made-up house names you keep throwing around?
A: Sparklypoo, Bitchiwitch, Tootsietramp, and Qanonreip are the houses the Mary-Sues get sorted into. 'Sparklypoo' derives from the Pirate Monkeys Mary Sue comic. 'Bitchiwitch' and 'Tootsietramp' I made up (although 'Surlysnarl' floats around as an alternative to 'Bitchiwitch' and was, in fact, invented first... I just didn't want another 's' name), and 'Qanonreip' was suggested by theeternalmind. For more information, see the sorting hat song parody on my profile page.

Q: What are 'magic sticks' and 'taco shows'?
A: 'Magic stick' is the local slang for 'penis'. 'Taco show' means either female genetalia or a genderbender fanfic. Both terms were stolen from this particularly dreadful feature.

Q: What's this 'temporary uterus' thing people keep talking about?
A: You don't want to know.

Q: No, really.
A: It's here. But first, understand that by clicking that link you agree to waive pottersues of any and all responsibility for physical, mental, and/or emotional pain you may suffer as a result. May God have mercy upon your soul.

Q: What's with the "IT'S MY LIFE!!!" joke?
A: Some girls decided that the end of OotP would be better if Harry jumped out of Dumbledore's office, turned into a phoenix, screamed "IT'S MY LIFE!!!" at everyone and flew away forever. It can be found here.

Q: What's 'Earth Logic'?
A: 'Earth Logic' is the kind that makes sense on our planet... the rules appear to be different on Planet Sue. For example: say Mary-Sue finds an injured dog on the street and takes it home to nurse back to health, only to see it transform into Sirius Black, the guy she's seen on the news with the 'WARNING: INSANE SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE' sign around his neck. If she barracades herself in her room and calls the police to report his presence and/or her own apparent mental breakdown, then she's following Earth Logic. If she immediately thinks he's wicked sexy and decides on a hunch to protect him without having any real reason why she would, that's the logic of Planet Sue.

Q: What the heck is the 'Pit of Voles'?
A: The Pit of Voles is a nickname for fanfiction.net (another, less common one, is 'the Walls of Flesh'). I first saw it used by the ficbitches, but I am told that the very first ever appearance of it is archived here, in the ex-blog of tsukikoushi. I think the rationale behind it is something like since an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters will eventually give you Shakespeare's plays, then whatever the writers in the pit are, they aren't monkeys.

Q: What about the 'Pit of Skrewts'?
A: That's my personal nickname for harrypotterfanfiction.com. I was hoping it'd catch on, but no such luck - nobody seems to use it but me. Although, I'm told some people use it as a name for FanDomination.net.

Q: What's this thing about the King of Rome?
A: Supposedly, somebody once tried to correct Sigismund I's (if you really care who he is, here's his Wikipedia entry) Latin, only to be told "ego sum rex Romanus, et super grammatica", which means "I'm the King of Rome, I'm above grammar." This is fine for Sigismund, but if you're not the King of Rome, you're expected to know the difference between 'its' and 'it's'.

Q: What is 'Canon'?
A: 'Canon' is a word taken from the Catholic Church - its general definition refers to religious orthodoxy, making it a particularly apt term to adapt into fandom. In a fandom context, it means information which the author's original work has established as fact, and which therefore should not be contradicted in fanfiction except in alternate universes. An example of a canonical fact is that Voldemort is the last of his family - he does not have siblings, cousins, children, or living parents, and fanfics which give him any of those are alternate universes.

Q: What is 'Fanon'?
A: 'Fanon' is a pun on 'canon', and refers to things that have not been explicitly established in the books, but which are so common on fanfiction that everybody takes them for granted anyway. An example of a fanon 'fact' is the idea that Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were lovers.

Q: What is 'snacky's Law'?
A: snacky's Law is a variation on 'Godwin's Law', which states that in an argument, if one side compares the other to Hitler or the Nazi regime, the discussion is over and the person who made the analogy has lost. There are many permutations of this law - in addition to Hitler, it can also apply to comparisons with Stalin, Bin Laden, and Bush, among others - but the only one which seems to actually have a name is snacky's, in which the vilified party are 'those girls who were mean to me in high school'.

Q: What is 'Ebert's Law'?
A: When you ask somebody to try their own hand at something before criticizing your efforts, you have violated Ebert's Law and lost the argument. Roger Ebert is not a filmmaker, but he knows what he likes and doesn't, and has every right to say so. Similarly, people don't need to be chefs to recognize a good restaurant, or musicians to appreciate a symphony.

Q: What is 'Not-Bob's Law'?
A: It's a sort of corollary to Ebert's Law. If you accuse somebody of putting something down because they're just jealous of the creator's 1337 5K1LLZ, particuarly if you invoke the opinions of others who liked it in order to support your argument, you are breaking Not-Bob's Law and have lost the argument. You can think Kill Bill was pointless without being jealous of Quentin Tarantino's filmmaking.

Q: Who - or what - is 'Not-Bob'?
A: 'Not-Bob' is our name for antipottersues and the various people with similar usernames, among them ihatepottersues, pottersuesucks, trueantipsues, bitchoftheday, and theactualtruth. She/he/it/them/whatever is apparently my self-elected nemesis and turns up now and then, in various forms but always spewing vitriol and unable to find the capslock key. Actually, I think 'Not-Bob' is really about three different people... if you've got some time to kill reading something occasionally amusing but mostly pointless, you can head on over to A Brief History of Not-Bob for the details.

Q: Why do you call your readers 'Evil Lesbian Minions'?
A: Not-Bob named them that. They took it up with pride.

Q: Who is 'She Who Must Not Be Named'?
A: A BNF (Big-Name Fan) who is a regular feature on fandom_wank and may be responsible for more annoying fanon than any other fanficcer out there. It's a well known fact that it's not a PotterWank until somebody mentions this individual, so I would prefer to avoid calling her by name. Besides, saying the name of an evil thing sometimes summons it up.


Q: Why can't you review things a bit more constructively?
A: Because it's not funny. This site really isn't for the authors, any more than Mr. Cranky is for moviemakers, and should be taken about as seriously. As the authors themselves are so fond of pointing out, if they don't like this site, nobody's got them at gunpoint forcing them to read it.

Q: I've found a fic that desperately needs to be featured here! What do I do with it?
A: You can send it to me at pottersues@gmail.com. I'll use them, regardless of rating, but I reserve the right to not use the story, and I don't have to send an obligatory email explaining why. As an aside, please don't send me recommendations via my Inbox on livejournal, it likes to delete them after two weeks.

Furthermore, please understand that there will be a backlog, and I don't want anymore emails going, "Did you forget about my story?" "Just a little reminder about the story I sent in." "*poke poke* Don't forget about my story." If you want it sporked that badly, and I'm not getting to it fast enough, go to deleterius. and do it yourself.

Q: Do you actually read the entire fic before posting each night's Sue?
A: About as often as not. It depends on how long the fic is, how difficult it is to read, and how engaging it is. I'm much more likely to read all of a short fic than all of a long one, all of a well-formatted fic than all of one in which each chapter is a single giant eyebleeding paragraph of badly-spelled doom, and much more likely to read a train wreck of a fic that just keeps getting worse and worse than a sappy romance novel that has characters getting together and breaking up over and over and over. If it is a quiet, rainy day I will go through a long story no matter the content.

Q: HEY! What is MY story doing here?!
A: It sucks.

Q: It does not!
A: Yes, it does.

Q: Well, you're the only one who thinks so! I'm on twenty people's favourites lists and have five hundred positive reviews, so there!
A: Good for you - those people are welcome to their opinions. But this journal is about my opinions, and I think your fic sucks, okay? Next question, please.

Q: Fanfiction was my only source of comfort and you have destroyed my will to live! I'm going to go listen to Evanescence and cut myself now!
A: I suggest you never try to publish anything, or that if you do, you never read reviews of it. Because professional critics never say things like "this is so good! Write the next chapter soon!"

Q: Do you write fanfiction?
A: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. I have about twelve thousand words worth of it posted at the pit and fictionalley.

Q: Can I see some of it?
A: Nope.

Q: Why not?
A: Because if you don't mind, I'd rather not have pissed-off little Sue authors flaming my fics and reporting me to the Voles that Be for imaginary abuses, trying to get my account banned. And yes, this is called 'hiding behind the anonymity of the internet', so don't even start.

Q: You're just jealous!
A: You just broke Not-Bob's law.

Q: You're a hypocrite! You flame other people's fics and then won't let them retaliate!
A: If I were flaming, I would post these as reviews... but I don't, I post them in my journal where those who want to find them can. If one of my readers gives the author the link to an entry, that's out of my hands. Can we have questions here, not accusations, please?

Q: Will you review my story here?
A: No. Because if you're asking, either it's a parody fic or else you are so misguided you actually think being on pottersues is some sort of an honour. In the first case: I'm not usually interested in parodies (although some of them are worse than the Sues themselves, and I'll do one occasionally if it's bad enough). And in the second: (a) I am not your free publicity service, and (b) get a clue.

Q: What if I have another question?
A: Email me - my address is pottersues at gmail dot com.