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TITLE: A Very Alternate Yule Ball
PERPETRATOR: pstibbons
SUE-O-METER: 
(awful)
FULL NAME: Hermione Jane Granger aka Dark Lady Jane
SPECIES: Witch
HAIR: wild
EYES: they turn white and glazed, and then white and black.
MARKINGS: none described
POSSESSIONS: "a comfortable loose-fitting periwinkle blue tracksuit", black tracksuits, army camouflage
ORIGIN: This is an excerpt from Krum's autobiography.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: She catches Cedric and Krum having sex in the library. Then Krum asks her to be his date to the Yule Ball since he has to appear to be straight. Ron insults her, she duels him and it was at this moment where she begins to become a dark witch. In all honesty her treatment of Ron is certainly unwarranted. Is killed by "Harry Quisling Potter". I assume that is suppose to be Harry's middle name.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: The greatest dark witch of the 21st century.
NOTES: Wow. I wish this was a parody, but it's not. Krum gets an honourable OOC mention as well. He should be nominated next Bubotubers!
SAMPLE:
The next couple of hours were one of the more entertaining I've ever had at a formal occasion. Hermione enjoyed herself too - most girls do like to get to get 'all dolled up', and Hermione, for all her disgust with simpering bimbo witches, was no exception.
All this may be surprising to those who saw her in her later years, for Dark Lady Jane always had the reputation of being the best and most daringly dressed witch at any formal dinner or ball later on. Even her fighting clothes, the black tracksuits or army camouflage she would wear on the battlefield, often end ed up in the pages of witch's fashion magazines. Her infamy and strategic press leaks did more to make Muggle styles fashionable for the hip crowd than anyone in recent history, with the possible exceptions of John Castarioni and Lady Altair de Menezes. And Sasha Veranova, of course.
But all that was later in life. This was then. This was a fifteen year old girl who wasn't good enough to be asked by her best friend to a dance when he desperately needed a date. Her other friend, Moron, only asked her at the very last minute, taking it for granted that nobody would ever ask her to the dance. (And after all that, she still arranged dates for her two worthless 'friends'.)
She didn't say much to Potter during the Ball, other than a wave and a few words.
But she did exchange more than a few words with Moron that night. Indeed, most historians consider it a defining moment, the start of the transformation of Hermione Jane Granger to Dark Lady Jane. It was the moment Albus Dumbledore - and many others - put her on his Possible Future Dark Sorcerers list. Most French feminists say it was the start of the Third Eurasian Revival of Witchcraft.
Towards the end of the Ball, I left Hermione for a few minutes while I went to fetch us a pair of drinks. Even now, I feel bad about it, and have never left my dates out of my sight again.
At this time, Moron Weasley decided that if he couldn't dance with the most beautiful witch in Hogwarts, then nobody could. Certainly not some dark old foreign wizard. He accused Hermione, loudly and in public, of 'fraternizing with the enemy' and asking her how many times she had to shag me to get invited to the dance. He then stormed off, leaving many onlookers shocked and Hermione crying on the stairs. Even more shocking, Harry Potter refused to comfort her - despite everything she had done for the arsehole that year - and instead followed Moron away from Hermione.
For Hermione, that was the moment she truly admitted to herself that the Dim Duo were not her friends any more.
I had just filled up our drinks - there was a long queue - when Cedric and Cho rushed to me, both looking very perturbed. Before the Hufflepuff wizard could say anything, his date quickly filled me in on the details.
To say that I was furious was an understatement.
Shoving the drinks into their hands, I dashed back to where I had left Hermione, expecting to find a crying and broken witch.
But she wasn't crying any more.
And if she was broken, she was rapidly putting herself back together. Goodbye Hermione Jane, hello Lady Jane.
I tried to embrace her, but she pushed me away. Then she seemed to think better of it, gave me a quick hug, and whispered into my ear, "This is my fight. Don't interfere, alright?"
I put my hands on her shoulders to better look at her.
"You will duel Moron?" I asked.
"Moron?" she asked with a giggle. She'd never heard anyone call him that before - and I'd never heard her giggle before either. "It fits, better than Ronald." She giggled again.
Then she stepped away from me, gave me a stern look to remind me that I should not interfere, and then cast the Sonorous spell on herself.
"RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY! AS PER THE THIRD HOGWARTS RULE OF SALAZAR SLYTHERIN AND HELGA HUFFLEPUFF, I, HERMIONE JANE GRANGER, CHALLENGE THEE TO A DUEL ACCORDING TO RAVENCLAW RULES! THE PENALTY FOR REFUSAL IS THE DISHONOUR TO ALL MEMBERS OF CLAN WEASLEY!"
This declaration was followed by, well, chaos.
After much discussion with other onlookers, I have put together a list of reactions, in the approximate order that they happened. It should be remembered that Moron and Potter were well on the way to their dormitory at the time, though they could not have failed to hear Hermione's challenge. After all, they were still in the castle.
1. Various teachers and chaperons arrived at the scene, including the Heads of Hogwarts (Albus Dumbledore), Beauxbatons (Melandra Maxime), Durmstrang (Igor Karkaroff), and Hermione's Head of House and then-favourite teacher, Minerva McGonagall.
2. The three other Weasleys at Hogwarts popped up. Fred, George are the twins who later went on to found the military defence contractor firm Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes), while Ginny was the only girl in a family of seven siblings and the closest thing Hermione had to a female acquaintance.
3. Dumbledore angrily demanded that Hermione rescind her challenge.
4. Hermione indignantly refused.
5. Ginny went to fetch Moron in case he refused to turn up. It was family honour, after all.
6. Minerva McGonagall tried to persuade Hermione that she would, as a Muggleborn, ruin her reputation by challenging a Pureblood.
7. Fred and George began taking bets on how long it would take Hermione to win the duel. They didn't offer the option that their own brother would win.
8. Draco Malfoy, a proud Pureblood scion with very little to be proud about, correcly pointed out that under British law, a Mudblood who lost to a Pureblood in a duel would have her magic stripped from her.
9. Ginny returned with a very pale looking Moron. Potter trailed them both.
10. Potter tried to persuade Hermione to forgive Moron.
11. Hermione slapped Potter, who staggered back a couple of steps.
12. Betting reached a thousand galleons. Some bookies were offering odds, admittedly low, on the Pureblood wizard winning.
13. Hermione asked Filius Flitwick, who was also chaperoning the event, to referee the duel. He agreed without hesitation.
14. Reluctantly, Albus Dumbledore cleared a space for the duel.
15. Hermione transfigured her elegant periwinkle blue dress to a comfortable loose-fitting periwinkle blue tracksuit. Many straight males became rather glad that they were wearing school robes, seeing as conservative Pureblood fashion didn't allow women to wear anything remotely interesting.
It was a hushed crowd at the Yule Ball that night, watching two former friends prepare to duke it out. Hermione and Moron stood at opposite ends of a wide duelling platform. Moron was already sweating as Flitwick read out the rules - no Unforgivables, no spells above Class IV, no lasting physical damage, the winner was the first person to lose their wand.
Hermione was silent and emotionless. Most witches, in a duel, tied their hair back. Instead, as if to show her utter contempt for her opponent, Hermione shook her hair out, casting a spell to return it from a delicate coiffure to its normal wild self. A few muttered spells later, it was flowing back as if in a wind, sparks crackling as they emitted excess magic. An imposing sight that she would perfect in future battles, leading to one of her many titles - the Mudblood Medusa.
Potter, in the corner with the other Weasleys, was quiet. He occasionally touched his cheek as if to verify that his homework whore had really slapped him.
Flitwick, having finished squeaking out the rules, levitated a bright blue handkerchief in the air between the duellists.
He cancelled the levitation spell.
The duel began as the cloth hit the floor.
The duel as a contest ended a second later, when Hermione's near-silent spell connected with Moron. It was a partial petrification spell that affected his arms. The comments began at once - what was she up to? It became clear three seconds later, when she cast a sticking spell to his right hand to ensure that it would keep on holding his wand, and a Silencio. Her intent was clear - not just victory, but humiliation.
Dumbledore wore a very worried look.
And as Moron was raised into the air and began rotating, there was silence in the hall. Even some looks of horror, though the story hadn't started yet. He began turning faster and faster as Hermione controlled him, mercilessly changing his speed of rotation randomly so he could never get used to it. The more intelligent onlookers began raising shields. Most of the audience raised them after the wizard began spewing out the contents of his stomach. As he had been gorging himself during the banquet earlier, there was much to spew.
"STOP THIS AT ONCE, Miss Granger! You have won the duel!" bellowed Albus Dumbledore.
She paid no attention to him.
Karkaroff, our Death Eater Headmaster, watched, fascinated. Severus Snape, another former Death Eater and unquestionably the bravest man in the war against Voldemort, watched with apparent indifference. But he did watch.
She added a couple more dimensions to Moron's rotation. The resulting parabolas of sick would be used as examples in at least one advanced Arithmancy textbook in the future.
After what felt like hours, the redhead was dry heaving painfully, and the duelling platform was covered with vomit.
Most bookies did not look pleased.
One of the Weasley twins was taking notes.
Jane stopped the torture of her former friend. Moron looked dazed, nauseous, covered in vomit, and terrified.
Potter looked furious.
Jane started chanting softly, swaying her body sinuously in time with the stanzas. Her irises vanished, leaving her eyes completely white and glazed over.
Dumbledore put his face in his hands. He said nothing, though. Perhaps he knew that she wouldn't be able to hear him.
McGonagall looked ashen.
Maxime looked extraordinarily interested, whispering hurriedly with Fleur Delacouer and Nicole des Jardins, the Beauxbatons Head Girl. The two girls, like other witches, had their eyes firmly on Jane, trying to commit the chants to memory.
A thin brown rope appeared from the bottom of Moron's trousers and kept growing.
Maxime started chuckling.
I suddenly had a flashback of something Hermione had said to me earlier.... "Boys always stick together. What does a girl have to do to be treated as an equal by them? Grow a penis?"
The humiliation of Moron Weasley had only just begun.
Lady Jane continued to chant. Her left hand straightened out and began spiralling slowly upwards. In response, the rope continued to grow, and twirled loosely around Moron's robes. Within a minute, it had gone around him two dozen times, from the legs up.
Gasps of horror and admiration bubbled up amongst the audience as they realized just what the rope was. I was already laughing my head off, loudly. I wasn't the only one laughing. Many witches, starting with Cho, were doing the same. Cedric looked a little green. He wasn't the only wizard to do so.
I was wondering if this was magic or witchcraft. If the former, then it could be an excellent sex spell, both for masturbation and intercourse. Why fuck anyone else if you could fuck yourself? Well, that wasn't entirely true. But it was a nice thought. Of course, if it was witchcraft, then wizards wouldn't be able to use it, which would be a tragedy.
Sadly, it was indeed witchcraft.
Potter looked furious. He even lifted his wand to cast a spell at Hermione, but one of Moron's brothers quickly pushed it down and whispered angrily into his ear. Presumably The Boy Who Lived To Betray His Best Friend had just been informed of what would happen to someone interfering in a duel.
Moron's elongated (and very thin) penis continued to wrap itself around the terrified wizard. If he suffered from low self-esteem before, that was nothing compared to what he would suffer for the rest of his life. The rules said nothing about inflicting lasting non-physical damage.
Hermione's irises returned, though they were now a savage white contrasting against the black of the rest of her eyes. She looked at her opponent, as if for the first time, and a terrifying smirk found its way to her face. I had seen such an expression before, on a medieval Muggle painting of the Christian Devil as he led a herd of screaming humans to their eternal damnation.
Her right hand jerked, then thrust forward.
Moron's dick thrust forward into its owner's unwilling mouth. He desperately tried to keep it closed, but a clothes peg appeared on his nose.
For the next few minutes, we were treated to a new meaning of the phrase 'Go Fuck Yourself'. It was very informative, and chockfull of possibilities for anyone who wasn't a heterosexual male idiot.
Then the motion stopped. Slowly, Moron, still wrapped in cock, toppled over. And every wizard watching, including myself, winced and unconsciously moved our hands to our groin. Moron screamed as his body crushed half his penis.
This was beyond humiliation.
"Expelliarmus."
She said it quietly, like an afterthought. Her ex-friend's wand spun into the air, and into her outstretched right hand.
"The duel is over," intoned Filius Flitwick, who seemed unaffected by the spells used in the duel. "The winner is Hermione Jane Granger. And as a member of the International Duelling Council, I nominate Hermione Jane Granger for a Class Three Green Belt, for innovation."
As the Weasleys and McGonagall rushed to the aid of Moron, Hermione's jaw dropped at Flitwick's surprisingly generous (and justified) pronouncement. Then her entire body dropped as a red spell passed over her head. Her arm whipped out in defence, and half a dozen knives flew to where the stunner came from. There were screams as one of them hit the caster in the shoulder and two others hit a couple of third year Ravenclaws.
"MISS GRANGER!" bellowed Albus Dumbledore.
She turned to look at him, though she seemed much more interested in seeing if the two collateral damage students were alright.
"YOU ARE HEREBY EXPELLED FROM HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY!"
She didn't seem too surprised. Instead she cocked her head and asked, "On what charge?"
Dumbledore seemed quite flustered at her calm question. He quickly realized that he could not punish her for any of the spells she had cast during the duel, no matter how inhumane.
"For attacking two innocent Hogwarts students with knives," he replied.
"Oh?" she replied, glancing at the two students. Their housemates were bandaging them up; the damage wasn't too great. "What of Harry Potter? He cast an unprovoked spell at me after the duel."
Dumbledore looked even more flustered. "He will be suspended for two weeks," he finally said.
Hermione looked at him for a while. "There is a Hogwarts law, is there not, that makes it easier to expel Mudbloods than Half-bloods or Purebloods? Section Eight, Subsection Fifteen?"
Dumbledore looked furious and then walked away in the direction of the Hospital Wing. He paused for a moment to declare the Ball over.
He also paused a few seconds later, when Madame Maxime loudly offered Hermione a position at Beauxbatons with a full scholarship, on condition that she teach the penis enlarging spell to her new fellow-students.
The blue-clad French witches began to applaud as Hermione accepted with a blush. Dumbledore left, furious.
Harry Potter looked at Hermione darkly. She looked back with indifference.
I walked up to her and offered her my arm. She took it, dazed. Her adrenalin was running out, and she was coming to terms with what she had done. By some strange form of common consent, Cedric, Cho, and Fleur formed an honour guard as we led her outside Hogwarts. Three champions with the former friend of the fourth champion. An odd sight, indeed.
What happened afterwards is common knowledge. Hermione became a Beauxbatons student the next day, though she remained at Hogwarts for the rest of the year. She and Potter had several illegal duels in the corridors, which he won sixty percent of the time - though some of his victories were decidedly Pyrrhic. Her duelling was getting better though, and the percentage would have been reversed had she stayed the following year.
Ten years later, it was only with the help of Lady Jane that Potter defeated Voldemort. Had they remained friends, that Dark Lord would doubtless have been destroyed earlier.
Twenty years later, Harry Quisling Potter had his revenge, AK-ing the Dark Lady Jane in the back when she thought that their fifth lifetime truce was still in effect. It turned out that the problem with her paranoia of not trusting people was that she was not paranoid enough.
Fortunately, the well oiled organization of Lycans, Vampyres, Free Elves, Goblins, and Muggleborns that she had formed was strong enough to continue after her death, and the struggle against Pureblood oppression in Britain continues. All proceeds of this book, and associated merchandise, go to that struggle.
busy
