The Potter Sue of the Day

Featuring your Mary-Sues, one fic at a time!

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Pancake!
pottersues
Today is very special! Today marks our 2000th Sue! So I made today's a double-whammy!

Stats will be posted later today!

TITLE: Shall We Dream?
PERPETRATOR: LadyFirehair Is this a play on Lady LovelyLocks, cause that is so not on.
SUE-O-METER: (toxic) More like super-stinky toxic sludge that will stink forever and ever.

FULL NAME: Prince Draco of the Serpent Isles and Hermoine, daughter of the Queen of Eaia
SPECIES: Draco is a man, and Hermione is a water nymph
HAIR: Draco: "silky white- blonde", "shaggy". Hermione: "long satiny dark hair streaming behind her in its own sunkissed chestnut wave", "a bright chestnut colour tinted with gold from all the time spent under the sun".
EYES: Draco: "molten silver". Hermione: "a pair of large intelligent brown eyes that shone with flecks of honey when in the grip of a strong emotion".
MARKINGS: Draco: "magnificently sculpted muscles", an "aristocratic face". Hermione: "pale and creamy and translucent webbed hands and feet that changed into normal hands and feet on land". "Ruby red" lips.
POSSESSIONS: Draco: "His fine white linin shirt and emerald green tunic were displayed on a nearby rock as were his silver ribbon for his hair and his soft, well worn, leather boots."

ORIGIN: Typical star-crossed lovers nonsense.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Prince Draco is not supposed to love a water nymph, and Hermione is not supposed to love a human. But they will love each other regardless *violins play* Draco saves her from some rocks she was pinned against, which is weird seeing how she can live in water and on land.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Draco: mad lifeguarding skillz. Hermione: can live on land and in the sea, but seems to be pretty useless.

NOTES: The purple prose from this one stinks!


SAMPLE:

Unfortunately the Serpent Isles had no allies to help support them, as the Lionan’s had alligned themselves with all of the far away lands. The only nation that the Lionan’s hadn’t infiltrated was the Eaian race of water Nymph’s that ruled the oceans.

Lucius had inherited the age old prejudice against the Eaian’s and he had tried to instil it in his son as well. He had taught Draco that the water nymphs had mud instead of blood running through their veins and that meant that they were inferior to the ‘Pure blooded’ humans of the Isles.

Unknown to Lucius, Narcissa had taught Draco the true facts of the water nymphs.

They were all female apparently and they mated with human males to produce offspring. If it was a son then it was given to the father to raise as an heir. If it was a daughter then she would be taken into the ocean and raised as a Nymph and often enough the father never saw the Nymph he had loved or his daughter again.

Another feature of the water Nymphs were that they were amazingly beautiful. They enchanted the males so that the hapless men would fall hopelessly and totally in love.

Lucius hated the Nymphs and considered them unworthy due to their ‘tainted’ blood. Secretly Draco was fascinated by the sound of this race. He desperately wanted to meet and converse with one of them and also, he silently admitted to himself, gaze at her beauty.

Draco sighed and slid off his rock. He should really head back up the cliff and then ride back to Caer Malfoy the capital of the Serpent Isles.

Suddenly he heard a cry, drowned slightly by the crash of the waves on the rock platform.

“Help! Oh please help me! Anyone!”

&

Hermoine, daughter of the Queen of Eaia, dived through the crystal clear water, her long satiny dark hair streaming behind her in its own sunkissed chestnut wave.

Her pale skin gleamed against the silver spray of the tumbling waves.

Even for a Eaian Hermoine was stunningly beautiful. Her hair was a bright chestnut colour tinted with gold from all the time spent under the sun. Her skin was pale and creamy and translucent webbed hands and feet that changed into normal hands and feet on land. She had a pair of large intelligent brown eyes that shone with flecks of honey when in the grip of a strong emotion. Her lips were ruby red and usually curved in laughter or a smile.

She noted an outlying rock near the shore and pulled herself slickly up onto it, the warm water trickling down her sleek form.

Suddenly her keen brown eyes caught the movement on the beach. She stiffened and poised ready to dive. But she saw the figure clearly and slowly she relaxed.

Hermoine knew about humans, knew about their sneakiness and their deviousness. She knew also about the men over the sea and their reckless and sometimes foolish courage.

She knew that the ruling house of the Serpent Isles had fair hair like coral and knew that the Lion lands had rulers with Jet black hair.

She knew of the Serpents Mage the evil sorcerer who looked like the serpents that the Isle was known for. She knew of his cruelty and his hatred of her people.

Her people didn’t trust the humans on the Earth, hence only the brief matings instead of the strong soul-mate bond that used to exist between a Nymph and her lover. They were wary of the Serpents knowing that the King, Lucius would attempt to exterminate them if he only knew how.

Hermoine however was intrigued by these creatures that were so different to her.

She had of course had the enivitable talk of what would happen when she chose a mate and the reprocussions but this wasn’t the reason she swam so near to the shore. She just wanted to watch one before having to swim home.

Silently she slid back into the turqoise water and swam closer.

She watched as the boy, and it was a boy Hermoine throught with excitement, sat on a boulder, lost deeply in thought.

Her blood raced in her veins as she noted the handsome set of his facial features and phisique.

He was gorgeos!

Breathtaken Hermoine sidled closer unaware of her dangerous proximity to the rock platform and the roar of a huge wave behind her.

When she did notice her danger it was too late.

The wave picked her up and hurled her slender form against the sharp unforgiving rocks.

She cried out, but the feeble call was drowned by the roar of the sea. Her leg was sliced open by a jagged rock and she screamed in pain.

Blood poured into the angry foaming sea, staining it a coppery brownish red. She felt her bones snapping as the wave continued its momentum and as the sound dropped she screamed desperately.

“Help! Oh please help me! Anyone!”

She knew that there were no Nymphs near enough to hear and she resigned herself to a pain filled death.

The wave chucked her carelessly into a jagged crevace between two rocks and she hung there as the waves receeded.

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Hi, I just read The Odyssey!!!111
And "Aeaea" is beyond me, so "Eaia" it is!

I hate Odysseus. I want to smack him in the face.

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Herr-moy-knee

It's my biggest pet peeve. I can't stand seeing her name spelled like that.

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As I read this, I just kept saying "what the fuck" out loud over and over.

Words fail me.

(But clearly they didn't fail the Suethor.)

No no. They failed the Suethor. That's why this exists.

Odd. I didn't think we sporked stories from Fiction Press. I mean, this must be from Fiction Press if it's an original story, and it must be an original story, because it has nothing in common with any existing fandom I've heard or seen. Weird coincidence how two of the characters have names from the Harry Potter series.

Weird coincidence how two of the characters have names from the Harry Potter series.

Four, don't forget Lucius and Narcissa. ;)

Seriously... that's SOME wave.

I like the fact that he's on a sandy beach, yet she conveniently lands on a part that's full of jagged rocks.

She knew that the ruling house of the Serpent Isles had fair hair like coral and knew that the Lion lands had rulers with Jet black hair.

Useful information. If I see a person with black hair, I'll know they are royalty.

Also "fair like coral"? They only time I see coral in connection with a color is coral pink.

My best friend has black hair. I'd better not tell her that she's royalty. I'll be scrubbing floors for eternity.

Wait a sec. . .how is this, in any way shape or form, related to HP? I mean, sure, she stole a couple of names, but hell.

I confess myself. . . disappointed.

Because the Suethor says so. Duh.

Haha! Love your icon! :D :D :D

See, I actually approve of this sample, because it makes it sound like mermaid!Hermione is going to die a painful death, which...yes, please!

I have so much more respect, also, for purple prose when it's actually spelled correctly. GORGEOUS. PHYSIQUE. INEVITABLE.

Ya know, I see the problem with this.

The Suethor decided she should write an (awful) original fic, but could NOT come up with names for the characters. Then, she saw one of the Harry Potter movies on ABC Family, and decided, "Hey! Draco and Hermione! What great names!" and used them in her (awful) story without any regard for Harry Potter whatsoever. Then, when it came time to post her (awful) story, the only place she knew of was ff.net. But, her (awful) story is an (awful) original story. What to do?!? Oh! She used some names from Harry Potter in her (awful) original story, so that qualifies it as a Harry Potter fanfic, right? So, she posted it on ff.net under Harry Potter, where it lies in wait for any unsuspecting reader to discover it (insert 'Jaws' theme music here)...

Anybody else figure that's what happened?

By Jove, Holmes! I do believe you've solved it!

Linen.

Say with me now.

LINEN!

Sheesh...


Ew. Just...ew.

Can't we just make it so that any fanfic written by smitten pre-teen Disney Princess fanatics is outlawed in fandom? Pleeeeeease?

But then Fanfiction.net would be an empty barren place.

(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
He was gorgeos!

I thought spelling and grammar (besides the consistent misspelling of Hermione) was okay until I read this line.

And then I lost all hope.

"a pair of large intelligent brown eyes that shone with flecks of honey when in the grip of a strong emotion".

I say it every time I post, WTF IS WITH THE WEIRD EYES?! Has anyone ever seen a person who's eyes change dramatically with the 'grip of emotion'?

With any luck, emotion has a grip on her throat.

"More like super-stinky toxic sludge that will stink forever and ever."

It's the fic equivalent of the Bog of Eternal Stench, then!

He had taught Draco that the water nymphs had mud instead of blood running through their veins and that meant that they were inferior to the ‘Pure blooded’ humans of the Isles.

SO SHE'S A MUDBLOOD, THEN! I SEE WHAT U DID THAR!! HA HA CLEVERRRRR!

Yeah, I rolled my eyes at that.

ALthough she gets (minor) props for realizing that having magical creature ancestors means you are NOT pureblooded. Unlike most fics out there, (Particularly that recent Harry Stu)

What is this? A Harry Potter / Little Mermaid crossover?

And more importantly, why would anyone want to write / read that?

I, uh...I don't even...I just...

WHAT.

I admit that fic looks rather nasty
Since when is she a mermaid not a witch?
But I just shrug and laugh,
since it's just a bunch of chaff
Or I'll be miserable, lonely and depressed.
(Pathetic)

Poor unfortunate prose
The pain! The need!
This one looking for some canon
this one looking for sense
Is there any? Not a chance

That poor unfortunate prose
It's bad, not true
In the service of Dramione
It's a disaster to be hold
And I mock them
Yes I do

Now it's happened once or twice
There's a fic that's rather nice,
but it's never a Draco-centric fic
Their canon is so faint
That the fandom needs a saint
For the poor unfortunate prose!

These fics are just a lot of blabber
Purple prose is always such a bore
Hermione's made a bitch, with no resemblance to the witch
And she's always acts just like a whore

Come on, these fics just worship Draco
Good readers avoid him when they can
But the Sues dote and swoon and fawn
That their senses are withdrawn
So write up a story for their "man"

Come on, the poor unfortunate prose!
It's crap!
Without taste!
I'm write all my own fanfic since the selection's such a farce
Why go search?
It's a waste!

The poor unfortunate prose
It's sad
But true!
It's used by teenage fangirls
to anoint a git that's gross
They use a bunch of flowery language
But there's more thorns than a rose
It's enough to cause insanity
I'm bleeding by the nose!
That poor unfortunate prose!





Ooops. Missed a verse. I'll just make it up by having Ursula strangle the Jonas Brothers.

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Gorge-os! They're Draco-licious!

I would like to take this chance to use my icon.
Also, it took me a little while to work out who was saying the “Help! Oh please help me! Anyone!” line.
Skimming makes the whole thing more amusing. First I heard 'Draco' character-who-is-unconected-to-HP-in-any-way-1 saying it, then changed my mind + heard 'Hermione' character-who-is-unconected-to-HP-in-any-way-2 say it. It swapped several times as my brain tried to process this...thing.

"long satiny dark hair streaming behind her in its own sunkissed chestnut wave"

Wow, just wow. Is there something wrong with saying she has brown hair?

Yes, it's only two syllables. That's about 5 syllables under par.

He had taught Draco that the water nymphs had mud instead of blood running through their veins and that meant that they were inferior to the ‘Pure blooded’ humans of the Isles.

i c wut u did there, suethor

Or rather, "I veritably perceive that this turn of phrase is the closest that this fanfic ever approaches some semblance of canon, o devotee of uncharacteristic behavior contained within failed homages to the oeuvre of Joanne Kathleen Rowling"

Well, that was more pretentious than purple, but whatever.

"And thus, with eyes as sharp as a hawk, did wickedcooljul perceive the deceitful actions of the suethor, and did proclaim them false, save for a glimmering thread of truth, tied into the most literal of translations. And wickedcooljul, her voice as beautiful as one thousand angels, did call out the suethor and call her false!""

How's that?

The ocean certainly had the right idea when it tried to kill the Hermione-Sue.


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