The Potter Sue of the Day

Featuring your Mary-Sues, one fic at a time!

[sticky post]Rule of Thumb

Since Pottersues is getting a lot of new minions I decided it was time to draw up the basic rules for this journal that have pretty much gone unsaid among the minions. I'll also note here that there have been four Pottersues so far since the journal was started.

Rules for Pottersues ReadersCollapse )


3474: Masterpiece - Kenna "Ken-nah" Lily Potter
NaNoWriMo's going on this month as well as the usual family celebration of Thanksgiving later on in month, so I don't guarantee a steady update schedule for this month, but I will try.

It's time for Tropes Sue Week either. I'm looking for help finding entries for said week. Accepting entries for the Thirteenth Annual Pottersues Contest.

Today's link of the day is Bad MLP OC Diagnostic Manual.

TITLE: Masterpiece
PERPETRATOR: TwilightWorshipper14
SUMMARY:”Kenna Potter is invisible. Her family never notices her, her teachers never notice her and her godfather never notices her. If it wasn't for her friends, she would have given up a long time ago. Kenna has finally come to terms with the fact her family doesn't care about her, so what happens when they see her out with her friends and realize how long they have been ignoring her? Will Kenna accept them into her life after they have been absent from it for so long? Or will she return the favor and rebuff their evey attemp to connect with her?”
FULL NAME: Kenna “Ken-nah” Lily Potter (Did you really have to talk down to your readers by adding in the pronunciation for a name which is horribly easy to figure out? Sorry, but that's how I felt when reading that.”
POSSESSIONS: “. I slip on a scoop-necked cream colored shirt with wispy sleeves and it is knitted in the back so you can see though to my skin (only about halfway down). The pleats on the scoop neck part highlight my chest. I slip on a pair of dark wash jeans and pull on my All Star converse shoes. They are crafted in a black and white rose print giving a 'vintage' feel with the leather lace guard. And of course, on the heel is the all star patch also on the inner ankle and on the 'tongue' of the shoe. […] I lace those up and clip my sterling silver golden sun and moon necklace. It is a silver half moon with a golden sun nestled in the moon. I slip my gold and cream stack of bangles on my right wrist and grab my black over-robe. I slip it on and adjust it so the greenish-blue flower on the right can show. I slip my wand (Vine and Cedar with the core of a Thestral hair, 13 inches) in the holster on my left wrist and leave the bathroom. I grab my black messenger bag and head out the door.” Harry's her twin, Elena's 16, Markus is 14, Drea is 12, Landon is 18.
CONNECTION TO CANON: 1.1 – Kenna gets dressed in her awesome clothes and doesn't bother helping her mother with the other children, and then complains “I walked by Mom and Sirius and they didn't even notice me” - 'cause your mom's got her hands full and Sirius is there to talk to his best friend. (Is it just me, or does the first scene make it seem like Kenna has a crush on her godfather Sirius?) 1.2 – Kenna gets an apprenticship offer from Bill as a Curse Breaker, and invisible Kenna's family becomes invisible and is replaced by the Weasley clan. 1.3 – Her parents of course let her go on a very dangerous trip as a Curse Breaker. 1.4 – We have something about a curse of the Forbidden Orchard and the honest feeling the writer should be writing original fiction instead. 2.1 (I just realized the previous chapter was a prologue because this is prologue part 2.) I'm not sure if her love interest is the “wolf-blue eyed” Ash, or Bill now. (Let's not forget her godfather!) 2.2 – We got serious jobs, but all we do is mess around goofing off. (She, Bill and Ash). 2.3 – They've gone from Romania to Cairo. 2.4 – They come across – gasp – a temple. We find out about the “Britain Magical 28” We then get how the Sue gets an instant lesson on how life works, as well as how love works rather then making her go through actual character growth. 2.5 – She ends up with a magical Ashwinder because of her experience in the temple. (Now for Prologue Part 3!) 3.1 – I've officially had enough. This has NOTHING to do with Harry Potter, and the writer is just trying to pass off their original fiction as fanfiction by tossing in a few canon names. That said, if it were a published piece it would likely end up with the same reputation as Twilight, if not worse.
ORIGIN: How to begin with this one. Harry defeated Lord Voldemort, but his parents didn't die. On top of this nobody knew until he turned six. (That alone gets the story at least an awful rating, but it was already a toxic with the unneeded description of what the Sue is wearing, and her throwing a tantrum about nobody paying attention to her despite the fact it's all to obvious her poor mother has her hands full.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: 1.1 – A wand Olivander wouldn't ever make... 1.2 – She's to be an apprentice Curse Breaker. 1.3 – I don't know if the writer wants us to believe the reader is so invisible that her parents don't say no when they should have, or if the writer thinks this is an acceptable summer job for a teen. 2.3 – They speak Gobbledegook very well. (Please no...)

NOTES: Things are bad when I open up the story and at a glance know the stories going to get the toxic rating. The romance vibes this one is giving off are creepy. I'm not sure if Kenna is a teen or not, but since the oldest sibling is Landon and not her I am going to say she's a teen. Also, how am I to believe she's ignored by her family and teachers when – gasp – they don't even show up except for the first scene?

What really shocks me is the fact nobody has called this writer on her character being a Mary Sue. The OC simply is that bad. Instead I see chapter after chapter indicating family and teachers almost never show up, so I'll say it again. I've no reason to believe she's invisible.

Kenna"s not invisible, but a self-centered young lady who can"t be bothered to lend her mother a helping hand with her younger siblings.Collapse )

3473: The Invisable Girl
NaNoWriMo's going on this month as well as the usual family celebration of Thanksgiving later on in month, so I don't guarantee a steady update schedule for this month, but I will try.

It's time for Tropes Sue Week either. I'm looking for help finding entries for said week. Accepting entries for the Thirteenth Annual Pottersues Contest.

Today's link of the day is Rants: Mary-sues and how to make a decent OC.

TITLE: The Invisible Girl
PERPETRATOR: lucyricochet
COVER/BANNER ART: We've got a picture of a girl with dirty blond hair whose got a sweater hanging over her shoulders. I think this is supposed to be the original character, and she's supposed to look clumsy, but she looks more “Luna Lovegood-ish”.
SUMMARY:”"Few who knew him then are prepared to talk about him." - Albus Dumbledore. Tom Riddle wasn't always alone. Evelyn Spencer grows up alongside him, first at Wool's Orphanage and then at Hogwarts. Although both children are orphans, they are not the same in any other way: he is entranced by magic; she is wary of it. But somehow they become friends.”
FULL NAME: Evelyn Spencer
SPECIES: Tom Riddle's childhood friend.
POSSESSIONS: “Alice had patched herself messily, a bit of rouge smeared awkwardly over her burn.” (I'd like to know how she can get rouge.)
CONNECTION TO CANON: Chapter one has the OC angsting over how there isn't any school, or anything fun to do. She's also bullied until she does accidental magic and Riddle made friends with her. The bully is the simpering Alice. Evelyn denies her accidental magic. Chapter two includes more angst about how “Wool's wasn't the worst of all places. I thought myself relatively luck to be here and not on the streets.” She dives into books to get away from the pain. Chapter three – Dumbledore shows up. Chapter four has the Sue contemplating she's magical, trying to make up for the fact she hurt Alice and the Sue reveals she wants to be friends with everybody and we find out “Alice had worsened” and is then taken to Diagon Alley. The trip and back is the fifth chapter. Sixth chapter is the ride (train and boat) to Hogwarts. Riddle and she are in the same year. Seventh chapter they both get sorted into Slytherin. (Can you notice nothing is really happening? I got bored at this point and skipped to the reviews.)
ORIGIN: See summary.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: She's Tom Riddle's friends despite the fact he had none. One of the reviewers also points out that the writer isn't writing Evelyn as an 11-year old either.

NOTES: What drew me to this story first lies into the title. The title screams, “I'm so unimportant Rowling didn't write about me, but I really am super important.” The second thing was the summary which contains a clear cut contradiction to canon. Seriously, stop with the whole “Tom Riddle wasn't always alone” part. I'm not saying writers can't do a what if scenario of what would happen if he wasn't alone, but this isn't a “what would happen scenario”, but a “this happened despite what we know happens”.

Can the admins of the pit PLEASE merge the Voldemort and Tom Riddle Jr. tags? They are NOT different characters! For some reason that was particularly annoying during this fic.

The story has sixteen chapters with 30,514 words, but some of the chapters seem to be under a thousand, and others longer. Actually, when I skipped to the reviews I found this in one of the reviews.

“Now, the bad part. This story is not interesting. Literally nothing has happened except go to school, go back to the orphanage. There is no plot, and there's not even any world-building, like interesting lessons or any kind of magical theory. I can't believe this is only 30k words long, I haven't even finished reading it and I feel like it's stretched out half my life it's so boring. It's canon rehash with all the fun parts and snappy dialogue taken out. […] This can be fixed, and to fix it I would suggest more emotion on Evelyn's part. She comes across as very depressed. She doesn't react to anything that happens to her beyond being vaguely sad. Rarely would I suggest Mary-Sue-ing up a character, but if any character ever needed a touch of that, it's this one. Hopefully something changes in the next two chapters.”

I agree. Not so much in making her a Mary Sue, but making her more interesting and figuring out how she ties into the canon better. On the flip side the writer did seem to make an actual character which would seem invisible, but it's to the point I'm going to have to give her the parasite tag.

And Riddle still ended up like he did despite having a magical friend?Collapse )

3472: In Times of War - Genevieve Vanessa MacDuff
It's tme for Tropes Sue Week either. I'm looking for help finding entries for said week. Accepting entries for the Thirteenth Annual Pottersues Contest.

Today's link of the day is Writing: Canon/OC pairing.

TITLE: In Times of War
PERPETRATOR: Unicornglitterpants.
COVER/BANNER ART: The writer's avatar is of Vernon Dusley from the movies with a quote splashed over the avatar. The quote reads” Don't talk to me unless you've brought tacos.”
SUMMARY:”For Draco, there's nobody like her. For Genevieve, he's all that matters. Connections made in times of great strife are often easily broken. With both sides fighting against them, can they manage to beat the odds? Can a death eater and a muggleborn witch make it through the second wizarding war unscathed? Or will their love be their undoing? DracoXOC, Rated M for later chapters.”
FULL NAME: Genevieve Vanessa MacDuff
SPECIES: She's the Muggleborn whose supposed to turn Draco's head/
HAIR: n/a
EYES: n/a
POSSESSIONS: She has a bank vault of her own.
CONNECTION TO CANON: The story opens up with a proplogue, and the only purpose behind said prologue is to introduce the character. Genevieve is introduced asking more questions then Hermione ever did as well as things an eleven to twelve year old would never thing about, and has her meet a snotty half-blood who lectures her about not paying attention to what she was saying just so the reader can get a complete information dump regarding the houses and a question regarding whether Genevieve has her own vault at Hogsmede. Without an actual transition we get the line, “second year, half way through first term, Professor Snape asked her to remain after class” so she could end up tutoring Draco of all people. The two bond over the fact they're only children and Draco has no problems with her being a Muggleborn. The second chapter opens up telling us it's her third year and Draco's second. Draco is out of character. The best word for it is he's showing large amounts of adoration for her, but the writer's playing said adoration up as romantic feelings. This chapter also brags about how she's special because he doesn't call her “mudblood” and is super sweet towards her. (I'm sure the writer wants us to believe this is because her character is that special and unique, but there is no logical reason why said OC would be that special.) He then tells her Rosamund Beckwith is a bad sort and how Rosamund hates muggleborns. (I got the impression she looked down on them which is actually not the same as hating them, but it seems she's the replacement for Draco which gets this the toxic rating. Chapter three opens up, “it was nearing time for the first Hogsmeade weekend and Rosamund had successfully bullied Genevieve in accompanying her so she could essentially stalk Oliver. She then comments about how she has a bank vault despite the fact this isn't normal for Muggleborn according to Rosamund. (Oh great, so we've got a Muggleborn who may not be a Muggleborn. I should also add I don't like the writer using the word bullied as they did.) The writer has Genevieve conveniently crash into Oliver and the writer makes Rosemund flip out. Rosemund's exact words are “you sodding cow […] you-youI can't believe you did that!” and then when Genevieve says “I didn't mean to, Rosamund! I didn't see him-” she goes on to say “Because you're always too busy thinking about yourself […] why can't you be normal? Why do you always have to say and do the most stupid things?!” We then get this line. “She was at a loss. Never had Rosamund spoken to her in such a way. Without another word, Rosamund stalked off toward The Three Brommsticks, effectively abandoning Genevieve. It stung deply. She fought back teers as she resumed her shopping. She still needed to buy Draco and Rosamund presents.” Except Rosamund's forgetten as Genevieve's thoughts shift to her adorable Draco. We did after all get this line in the first real chapter, “the kid was so sweet and adorable when they were alone.” (Which makes the whole relationship supper creepy, and all the writer's done is proven Rosamund's words to be correct, but Genevieve is treated as if she's in the right. The real reason they break up as friends is because Rosamund decides to randomly change her affections from Oliver to Draco and Genivieve gets jealous. “All she could think of was Rosamund hanging all over Draco the way Pansy had and it set her teeth on edge. It left the foulest taste in her mouth. The idea disgusted her. Rosamund and Pansy were beneath him.” (Hypocrite. You're doing exactly what Pansy did, and yet Rosamund – here's the irony – has simply noted that Draco's a suitable pursuit as he's nice looking, smart and has money. She's just contemplating him as a possible pursuit. We then move to the portrayal of Katie and Angelina as well as a girl called Leanne as gossipy twats contrary to the first two's canon personalities. Towards the end of chapter where Genevieve yet again gets to gloat at the fact shes' the only one who isn't called a Mudblood. (Except it almost feels like he doesn't do it because the two have a relationship similar to that of siblings. That's how the writer's written their interactions. As such it's probably time to end this.)
ORIGIN: I found this on the writer's profile. “I enjoy writing OC's. I like to try to make each of my original characters as unique as possible. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but I think it's more challenging than going off of someone else's characters on my own.”
SPECIAL ABILITIES: She's treated differently then Hermioone. She's also at least a year older then Draco if not two, and she comes across as a perverted stalker in the second chapter. She also starts tutoring Draco half-way through his first year and her second.

NOTES: I found what the writer said on their profile regarding OCs interesting. Making an OC as unique as possible honestly isn't as important as making said OC fit into the fandom or even making them believable. I think making a well written OC can be just as challenging as keeping the canon characters in character. In this particular case the way the writer makes the character unique is actually rather annoying as well as rather cliché, and the writer also makes the canon characters OoC.

I don't see why a young wizard would have a bank vault all to themselves. It's honestly not the same thing as having a bank account, and Harry's vault belonged to his parents and passed into his hands upon their death. I also don't think the writer gives Draco enough credit. If he were failing potions I think the other students would know, and if he were getting tutored by a Muggleborn I think it would be more of an issue to Lucius then Hermione beating Draco grade wise, but then both would be mentioned.


Truth be told having read to the sixth chapter I have to say the story reads more like a story where the OC is going to turn out to be Draco's long lost sister. That in turn makes the story even more creepy, and what's even scarier is the fact I know the writer didn't intend for any of this to occur.

I felt my eye twitch as I read the sample.Collapse )

3471: The Alice Jones Series: I Wanted To Be In Hufflepuff
It's tme for Tropes Sue Week either. I'm looking for help finding entries for said week. Accepting entries for the Thirteenth Annual Pottersues Contest.

I needed to grab another quick entry as most of the stuff on my list are longer items which will take me a bit of time to write up.

Today's link of the day is The Parade of Sues

TITLE: The Alice Jones Series: I wanted To Be In Hufflepuff!
PERPETRATOR: artemisdarkmoon
SUMMARY:”Alice Jones, 11 year old American genius has just got her letter from Hogwarts from none other than Professor Snape. Freezing up at the existence of magic and having her world of science ruined, she develops a whole new perspective of the world. Will she master her way around the school, getting herself involved in everyone's business and will she survive in the pureblood house?”
FULL NAME: Alice Jones
SPECIES: She's an American Sue.
HAIR: “He came face to face with a little girl with unruly dark hair and tired gray eyes covered by white goggles.”
EYES: See above...
MARKINGS: “She was rather a baby-faced; making her look quite innocent and she looked short for her age which was unusual since girl normally grows faster than boys.”
POSSESSIONS: Her father wants to buy a bald eagle to transport letters instead of an eagle. She then sees Crookshank's twin. “From the corner of his eyes, Snape noticed two cats that were shoved off as far as possible from the rest of the cages; one was big, bandy-legged; ginger-coloured had a squashed head. His face was looked as if he had ran into a brick wall. The other one was about its size had a slender body, gray silver fur with spots. The two looked hostile towards Snape and were glaring at him with their yellow eyes. When Alice passed by that cage, the two cats approached her and were purring heavily, like they wanted her to pet them.” The man is excited because “they're usually hostile, those two” and she says “A Somali and something that looks like a hansa Himalayan but...”
CONNECTION TO CANON: Alice Jones conveniently moved a week before Snape comes with her letter. Apparently Alice works with science like her father does so when Snape gets there Alice tells her mother she can't get the door because she's “handling unstable particles” and yet Alice's mother still insists on continuing to clean the bathroom, so I'm not sure if this is true or not. Snape turns Mr. Jones to a newt in order to prove magic is real and Alice is of course excited. Suddenly Sanpe says it's Alice's decision when Mrs. Jones quickly insists Alice go. We open up in chapter two with her brother wondering if Alice should throw away GASP her scholarship to Cambridge to go to Hogwarts. Alice talks about taking Snape's blood for DNA purposes. She suddenly performs Aguamenti which according to the writer is a sixth year spell and she want to perform another spell. "Miss Jones, you might be able to perform a N.E.W.T. standard spell but the Undetectable extension charm is advance enough that even Hogwarts 7th years have difficulty of casting. It is a tricky spell, Miss Jones. I advise you wait until you're 17," Except she shouldn't have been able to perform Aguamenti due to the fact she's not been to purchase her books yet and shouldn't know the spell until she's read something. The third chapter is about her amazing IQ, and how she holes herself up in her room for a week and she gets upset when the sunlight streams in. She of course manages to cast the “Undetectable Extension Charm” which shouldn't be in any of her school books as the teachers don't want the students finding ways around the law and she's able to learn all the magic she wants over the summer. She then meets up with Hermione and Neville on the train and I'd had enough.
ORIGIN: “FIRST OF ALL, I GOT THE INSPIRATION FOR THIS STORY FROM JULIUS CEASAR'S SERPANT'S TEARS; A BRILLIANT STORY BY THE WAY. MY STORY, HOWEVER IS ABIT DIFFERENT. I DERIVED SOMEWHAT PERSONALITIES FROM SHERLOCK TO MY MAIN CHARACTER IN THIS STORY. HOPE YOU LIKED IT. […] IM TRYING NOT TO MAKE HER MARY-SUE-ISH.” “She was a special case for being American. Her father, Oliver Jones happened to be well-known mathematician and physicist who received a job offer teaching in a university and as well as conducting scientific research in atoms and molecular theory's that Snape had absolutely had no idea about. Her mother, on the other hand, Lucinda Jones is but a common nurse who retired, devoting her life to her husband and children. She was originally from England. […] The Jones Family moved to London a week ago and were already settling in. Knowing that they are rather well exposed to science, Snape knew that it wasn't going to be easy explaining to them that magic exist and that their daughter just happens to be a witch. “ I'm not sure how Snape would know the latter part. We also get this in the third chapter. “While she was still growing in her mother's belly, Mrs. Jones wished—prayed that Alice would at least not be like her brother. Mrs. Jones wanted a daughter who was intelligent but at least not have a genius level IQ like her first child, Zack who managed to build a full functioning robot at age 4 and liked inventing gadgets and gizmos, and dismantling and assembling household appliances that sometimes malfunctioned. Not that she was proud, she was extremely pleased to have a genius for a son, but kids Zack's age were still learning how to spell their names while Zack was already adding adjustments to their computer and designing blueprints for inventions and ideas that Mr. Jones loved boasting about. He made a friend though from their neighbor's kid. Stephen was interested in science as well, wanting to be an astronaut when he grows up. Mrs. Jones was just happy that he had someone to talk to and play tag with instead of making explosions at the garage every five minutes. […] Mrs. Jones had high hopes for her daughter to be extra ordinary smart instead of extraordinary genius with 160 IQ. Unfortunately….those prayers won't be answered.” So much for trying to make the character not a Mary Sue.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Despite the writer noting they're trying to not make their character a Mary Sue the character ended up being one, and here are the traits which show up just in the summary. First, despite the fact she lives in America she's getting a letter from Hogwart. Second, the fact she's a genius is noted in the first chapter. The fact her smarts are science based and not magic based isn't a fatal flaw. “"Hey, she graduated high school when she was 10. She would probably graduate Pigfarts in 4 years—3 if she's lazy,"”

NOTES: Having the family move to England doesn't negate the letter issue particularly when the Jones have only been there a week and this doesn't seem enough time for her to have any accidental magic kids her age have which is how they know they have magic. In some ways this is worse then her still being in America and getting her letter.

I'd honestly have less problem with Alice and her super smart family if they didn't keep calling Hogwarts “Pigfarts”. Then more problems cropped up as Alice knew things she shouldn't even know. (Come on... knowing the Augumenti spell despite never picking up a book.” By chapter three instead of focusing on how hard it is for Alice to adjust we have a girl whose excited about breaking the rules of science without question.

Wow, how lucky... and convenient for the plot.Collapse )

3470: Dermothera - Dermothera
It's tme for Tropes Sue Week either. I'm looking for help finding entries for said week. Accepting entries for the Thirteenth Annual Pottersues Contest.

I decided to go with a quick entry today rather then going through the list of stories I accumulated while I did trope week and I found this fic for the entry.

Today's link of the day is Writing: Writing an OC-Centric Story Without Upstaging the Canons.

TITLE: Dermothera
COVER/BANNER ART: None. The writer joined the site on the 20th of this month.
SUMMARY:”AU(Not exactly AU, just where there's a school for american kids) idea of Harry Potter. Won't contain any actual Harry Potter characters, just spells, names, and things of that nature. Set up in Dermothera(American school for magic) with OCs and such. Dermothera is the name of the american school set up in Alaska.”
FULL NAME: Dermothera
SPECIES: Apparently Dermothera is the school for American wizards.
HAIR: n/a
EYES: n/a
CONNECTION TO CANON: The father Heyden s worried about writing the acceptance letter for his daughter Keno.
ORIGIN: The writer's trying to pass off their original fiction as fanfiction. Truth be told I wouldn't be surprised to find out the writer is from Alaska.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Not convinced this is just an original fiction piece? We get this line in the first chapter. “Eleven years old was the time that magic appeared in a person.” That's a contradiction to the Harry Potter world. The only mentioning of the Harry Potter world is this. “While living England, Kano was invited to go to Hogwarts. The wizarding school. She had declined, saying that she couldn't attend due to her parent's moving.” It's a boarding school. One also has to wonder how she got her letter to Hogwarts before they moved as the school term begins around the same time and Hogwarts doesn't send acceptance letters until after the end of the school year.

NOTES: Would somebody please take the time to explain to this writer the difference between original fiction and fanfiction? They've just joined and it's rather obvious they don't know what they're doing. (See sample.) Take caution as they may very well be a young writer, but the prose is something I'd expect of an older writer.

I"m not sure why this happened to the sample either.Collapse )

3469: Black Princess Ascendant - Jennifer "Jen" Potter/Black
It's tme for Tropes Sue Week either. I'm looking for help finding entries for said week. Accepting entries for the Thirteenth Annual Pottersues Contest.

Today's entry is a sequel to this piece I've featured over a year ago called Princess of the Blacks.

Today's link of the day is Mary Sue – The Bane of Fanfic, or a Literary Genius?. The title perked my interest. Is it just me or do we have another writer who doesn't get what a Mary Sue is? For example I think they've bought into the idea that all self inserts and/or author avatars are Mary Sues or Gary Stus.

TITLE: Black Princess Ascendant
PERPETRATOR: Silently Watching
SUE-O-METER: Toxic...
COVER/BANNER ART: The avatar is a bunch of creepy red eyes.
SUMMARY: ”Second in the Black Queen series. Last year, Jen had to contend with a deadly Tournament, a revived Dark Lord, a meddlesome Headmaster, and worst of all, reconciliation attempts by her parents. Surely her OWL year can't be anywhere near as complicated. Can it? fem!bisexual!Harry/Luna (it's happening this time, I promise!), powerful!dark!Jen, NOT for children!”
FULL NAME: Jennifer “Jen” Potter/Black
SPECIES: She's a bitch pretending to be Harry.
HAIR: see original
EYES: see original
MARKINGS: She sleeps in the nude.
POSSESSIONS: The key to the chest Harry Potter is locked up in.
CONNECTION TO CANON: This takes place after the Triwizard tournament and has Jen supper depressed because she was tortured and nearly killed. Narcissa is also on his side and the role of the Black family is also overplayed. Despite the fact she's supposed to sleep in the nude he finds her in a dress which gets drenched by a spell he uses because “he shook her shoulder only to jerk his hand back from her scorching flesh. It felt like her blood was literally boiling in her veins.” (I really wish this Suethor would learn to do some research. She talks about how she still feels like she's burning. We also find out her magic's been fighting back the illness. That's when I had to stop reading. I hadn't even gotten through the first chapter.
ORIGIN: This is a sequel to a rather toxic story I features over a year ago. There is actually a third in the series, but I'd rather not go into that at this point. The story reminds me of My Immortal, but without the troll like grammar. That's not actually a good thing.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: She sleeps in the nude, won the Triwizard tournament, and was tortured and almost killed because the writer thinks that's much more realistic then the original. (I actually don't know what the writer thinks, but with how unrealistic the original piece was and the fact they thought the first in the series “will mention and discuss [various forms of abuse] and the effects this can have on children and teenagers”. She blind and can see auras.

NOTES: I'd forgotten what a WTF the original was and how Jen was thought to be a squib and pretty much ended up in a place of prostitution exploiting children. The series is over five-hundred words and counting.

More WTF moments.Collapse )

3468: Nine Years - unnamed
It's tme for Tropes Sue Week either. I'm looking for help finding entries for said week. Accepting entries for the Thirteenth Annual Pottersues Contest.

Today's link of the day is Rewriting the Epilogue. This is a rather old satirical piece I found during trope week.

TITLE: Nine Years
PERPETRATOR: Tumbler Ate My Soul
SUMMARY:”She receives a letter, months later, saying: "you're nine years younger than me". NextGen Teddy/OC Please, review”
SPECIES: She's the latest of Teddy's stalkers.
HAIR: n/a
EYES: n/a
MARKINGS: She's pretty, and yet she's not. Don't know how else to put this.
POSSESSIONS: She's got some kind of potion which helps her win Teddy's affections.
CONNECTION TO CANON: Our jealous Sue complains that she's not Victoire and then decides she's glad she's not because “she doesn't think her very pretty as some people do, she's appalled by her rudeness and she knows she's so much smarter, the only thing Victorie (she drawls her name in her mind, just because) has that that she wants is HIM”. Teddy points out the fact she's nine years younger then him and she goes back to the common room. (Doesn't this mean Teddy's a teacher which makes her advances even worse?) Then “when she turns fifteen she decides, for sure, that she hates, despises the Weasley bunch” only to point out a couple of them aren't really bad. She complains that her best friend since childhood Scorpius doesn't get her and the fact Teddy burns her letters is treated like a bad thing. If I were Teddy I would have reported her actions to the school board so they could bring her behavior to the attention of her legal guardians. She's also a stalker by sending those letters. She then complains that she's kissed on a prank and that “everyone else loses heir virginity”. She writes another letter to Teddy about how “Don't they understand you already broke me?” The Sue belongs in Mungos as she's got mental issues. Sorry, but it's true. We then get a line about how everyone thinks she's a bitch, and yet all of the guys still want her. When she goes to Molly and Lysander's wedding Teddy is there and to her delight he's not married to Victorie and gets a kiss from him. Something which would not happen in a million years.
ORIGIN: We've got another story besmearing Victorie despite the fact she's barely if ever appeared in the books.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: The Sue claims Victoire is rude and ugly, but in the same sentence she brags about how much smarter she is then Victoire and pretty much says she's better then Victoire. When she finally graduates we get this from her. “The men she works with consider her a frigid bitch but, she's the best at what she does and they're delighted to even get the opportunity to come close to her. She's beautiful and it prompts each every one of the men that cross her path to try and melt her heart. None of them succeeds.” Actually, she is a bitch. She's also quite pretentious.

NOTES: I want the Sue to die. We're only told that Victoire is a horrible person, but in reality it's the Sue whose the problem.

I"m not like everyone else, oh woe is me.Collapse )

3467: Nina's Destiny - Antonia Asteria Jackson
It's tme for Tropes Sue Week either. I'm looking for help finding entries for said week. Accepting entries for the Thirteenth Annual Pottersues Contest.

Today's link of the day is What a Mary Sue is (and why I hate the term). I found this after writing up my entry for today. You could also say the writer doesn't so much hate the term so much as the misuse of said term. As they said. “A Mary Sue is a character that is perfect. And not perfect in the physical or emotional sense, but perfect in the narrative.” What do you guys think?

TITLE: Nina's Destiny
COVER/BANNER ART: There is a picture of a girl with plack hair. (I hope it's not the writer, but a picture they found.)
SUMMARY:”Growing up in Manhattan, Antonina Jackson was used to strange things. It hardly bothered her at all when she became friends with two, slightly odd twelve year olds. Almost nothing could catch her off guard, except maybe finding out she was a muggleborn witch, or that her dad's a Greek god. IN THE PROCESS OF REVISING! ON HIATUS UNTIL DONE!” We get a longer summary inside of the story in the author's note. “Growing up in Manhattan, Antonina Jackson was used to strange things. It hardly bothered her at all when she became friends with two, slightly odd twelve year olds. Almost nothing could catch her off guard, except maybe finding out she was a muggleborn witch, or that her dad's a Greek god. But what about when her two best friends turn out to be not so normal either? Born into three separate worlds Antonina needs to learn how to harness her magic while dealing with two different prophecies.” According to one of the reviews for chapter one the original summary read,
FULL NAME: Antonia “Nina” Jackson “1. Nina's name is now Antonina. The nickname will stay the same. Antonina's meaning fit better into this story. It means 'Priceless' where Christina means 'Follower of Christ'. I personally love both names, but Antonina fits in better.”
SPECIES: see second summary
HAIR: n/a
EYES: n/a
CONNECTION TO CANON: The first chapter opens up with twelve year old Antonia sitting in Central Park reading the book while it is cold out, and the reader learning that she and Percy have learned Italian “to honor our heritage”. She's approached by another set of twins before telling them she has to go to eat a dinner consisting of tacos. Chapter two involves her taking her flute to the park to practice for the school concert and she meets up again with Morgan and his sister. (Morgan has a guitar.) He calls her Sparkles and he talks about how “my peers and I don't exactly get along.” (Oh wait. His sister isn't there this time.) He breaks out in song. (Angel in Blue Jeans by Train.) She takes him home with her and we find out his real name is Leto. In chapter four we find out Snape is a shadow mage and the twins are Water mages, and he takes them to Diagon Alley. (First, elemental mages don't exist in either fandom. Second, they're from America and would be going to an American school.)
ORIGIN: “Main Pairing: Apollo/Antonina […] Side Pairings: Lavender Brown/Perseus Jackson; Parvati Patil/Leo Valdez; Jason Grace/Piper McLean; Sirius Black/OC; Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks; Frank Zhang/Hazel Levesque; Nico di Angelo/Will Solace (As more come up, I will add them)” (Why is Percy not with Annabelle?) “2. Sally will not be bashed. I was thirteen when I started writing this, and I have no idea what I was thinking.” (This is actually a good thing.) This is what she tells Morgan this. “"My full name is Antonina Asteria Jackson. I'm eight. I was born August 18,1990. my favorite color is purple, but I really love blue too. I love learning and playing music, my favorite instrument is the acoustic guitar because it sounds the nicest. I love alternative music. My brother's name is Perseus Theseus Jackson. I live with my mom, brother, and step-dad, but I absolutely hate him." Chapter three involves them still becoming elemental mages. She then proceeds to be a tag-a-long with the original plot serving no real purpose. She's just there.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: “3. Nina will not be perfect. Seriously no clue what I was thinking back then. She will still be eidetic, but she will need to work to understand things now.” Not only does she still come across as 'perfect', but the issue with Mary Sues isn't that they're perfect. “My twin brother, Percy, and I have been trying to learn Italian to honor our heritage.” She also plays the flute. We get this on the second chapter. “2. I did not have Apollo teach Nina guitar. That turned her into a total Mary Sue before the real plot even started. She will learn guitar, but it will take her a while to really learn it. It's the same with the flute.” Making her take the time to learn the guitar is a good thing, but she's already learning Italian and playing the flute. On top of this she just replaced Apollo with an OC. “"Wow, okay, I have a twin sister named Diane. My mom's name is Leto. My father hates me. I love anything to do with literature. I love the sun and everything to do with it. I visit my uncle's beach house all the time. I took up archery when I was younger, and I hate violence but will beat you up if you hurt my family, my father not included in that." There is a place where the writer forgot to edit Appollo's name to. (A reviewer called them out.)

NOTES: First, the fact the writer is working on rewriting this is a good thing. Second, she seems to be handling critique well for a fifteen year old..

On the first chapter there were a lot of reviews regarding Antonia being a Mary Sue, but I was shocked to find this on the first chapter. “I remember first reading this and I thought it was brilliant. It was at like forty something chapters, which was probably a long time ago. I loved the original. Sally is always portrayed as this perfect mother, which she is in canon. I was so happy that someone had finally changed that, only to change it again. I love the new version, just not as much as the old version. It could be because that was one of my first fanfiction readings, ever, and I hold it dear to my heart.” Dear god, if Sally is portrayed as a perfect mother in canon then the writer shouldn't be changing that.

For chapter two, “you suck I loved the original you should have finished that then started a new one”. (I wish I could smack the reviewer across the back of the head for the poor etiquette towards the writer!)

Sadly though the writer doesn't realize there is more to being a Mary Sue then just being perfect. A reviewer claims “the-new-and-un Mary Sueified- Nina are simply wonderful!”, but Nina's still a Mary Sue. (I wonder if this was a sock puppet though as it's an anon review. I hope not.)

We"ve got another Parasite Sue.Collapse )

3466: Cathryn Potter series - Harry Potter
It's tme for Tropes Sue Week either. I'm looking for help finding entries for said week. Accepting entries for the Thirteenth Annual Pottersues Contest.

Today's link of the day is Possession sue rant.

TITLE: Early Retirement and What Happened Between
PERPETRATOR: Secondary Luminesense
COVER/BANNER ART: We have a sketch of a griffin that's cut off.
SUMMARY: ”Ten years into her peaceful life in New York City, Cathryn Potter is found. Willing to do almost anything to stay hidden from the world she left behind after discovering her immortality, she finds herself working alongside god and mortal alike in an effort to protect the world from alien invasion. Fem!Harry, some adult themes, swearing, and mention of suicide. Sequel (part I) up.” and ”Cathryn Black returns to her retirement the day after the Chitauri have been defeated. But people aren't always as easy to get rid of as memories. Interlude to 'Early Retirement' and it's planned sequel. Read 'Early Retirement' first, or this won't make sense. Warnings for fem!Harry and mentions of suicide, sex, alcohol, and language.”
FULL NAME: Cathryn Potter/Black, code name Griffin
SPECIES: fem!Harry, bad!ass
HAIR: n/a
EYES: “Cathryn blinked in surprise and discontinued her death-glare. She'd been told it was extra-effective due to the almost unnatural color of her eyes, but from Stark's lack of response, she was starting to think that only wizards became uncomfortable with it.” (Slams head against keyboard. Figuratively that is.)
MARKINGS: She's “thirty (or so)”.
POSSESSIONS: “She'd had to dig to the very back of her closet to find the dragon-scale outfit that had been the Order's gift to her for her seventeenth birthday. The armor was skintight and more flexible than she would have originally guessed from just looking at it. Charlie had explained in great detail which breed of dragon each part of the ensemble came from. The high-collared shirt was made from the skin of an adolescent Chinese Fireball; because the dragon had been so young, the scales were much smaller, and extremely flexible, though no less adept at repelling all manner of blades and spells. The skin was also bright red, with gold tracery around the edges of some of the scales. Like the shirt, the pants made from the skin of a young dragon - an Antipodean Opal-Eye. Charlie had told her in a reverent voice that Antipodean Opal-Eyes, even as adults, had the softest scales, which would allow her greater ease in her movements and a larger range of motions that would allow her to dodge and run easier than a stiffer skin would have. The sleeveless tunic was slightly old-fashioned, with it's narrow waist and flared 'skirts' that reached down to mid-thigh, but was really the most protective part of the uniform, made from the nearly impenetrable and highly magic-resistant scales of the Hebridean Black, a dragon native to Britain. Her knee-high boots matched the tunic.”
CONNECTION TO CANON: She's supposed to be a female version of Harry, but...
… reading the summary makes me say she's not. Harry, I mean Cathryn, retires to New York City and owns a small place called Butter-and-Crumpets. (The name of the cafe doesn't sound very enticing.) She gets to meet Steve because he comes to her cafe, and then suddenly Coulson shows up and asaks her to help with the aliens. (Why would that happen?) Apparently she worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. before. (When? She was to busy becoming a high end chef and running her own cafe. She's also running from her past.) As for the rest of the plot...
… she's just there to be pretty and spice things up a bit. With what I might ask? The usual Mary Sue sparkle.
ORIGIN: The writer exclusively writes fem!Harry stories. The writer also wants us to believe Harry is the type to try and commit suicide. Why? And I quote, “in a fit of manic rage and depression shortly after Fred's funeral”. *sigh* I wish the writer's would actually research what they're talking about. If the writer had they would know that you can't be both manic and depressed at the same time. She's also now fine as rain.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: She's immortal. (Why?) “Cathryn had, throughout her thirty (or so) years of life, collected a string of epithets: Girl-Who-Lived, Youngest-Female-Hogwarts-Seeker-Ever, Woman-Who-Vanquished-the-Dark-Lord, Mistress of Death. It was the last title that gave Cathryn the most trouble; in fact, she saw it as a curse. Although becoming Mistress of Death had allowed her to ultimately defeat Voldemort, she often found herself wondering how different her life would be if she had never collected the Deathly Hallows. Most of the time, she would shake her head and tell herself firmly, Voldemort would have destroyed everyone I love; it's better this way, but sometimes she would find herself imagining a world in which she grew old with her best friends; a world in which she had a chance to marry Fred and have a family of her own.” (Yeah right. Don't add special snowflake bonuses to the canon material.) You should also read up on her specialty training at Le Cordon Bleu in the sample. “Currently, she was saying she was twenty-six. She was lucky that she looked older than seventeen; someone like Luna would never have been able to pull it off. As it was, she had to take a small amount of Aging Draught each morning just before she opened, and a second dose around lunch.”

NOTES: On their profile the writer says “although the vast majority of my writing does include a female Harry(read: not all of my stories are fem!harry), none of them are from the same story-line unless otherwise indicated”. The part about “not all my stories are fem!harry” isn't actually true. She's got a Cathryn Potter with two stories, a Harriet Potter with two stories, a Rosalind Poter with two stories and a Hannalee Potter with one story. That's a total of seven stories, and the writer has only written seven stories. An alternate version of a character is still the character regardless of the fact they don't come from the same story-line.

I'm a bit more concerned about how the summary sounds like Cathryn got dropped into the Avengers movie plot. I'm not the only person who noticed. Here is a review for this one shot. “Well, I'm not gonna lie it was good but... I didn't come here to read again the story of Avengers. Cathryn really did nothing of importance and just barely add a presence to the group. I like the first part with Steve but after nothing! No progress at all between these two. I understand if you didn't want to change the important parts of the story but really, even in battle she was basically useless. Yes she helped get the scepter but we know it would have happen ANYWAYS.
Kudos for the character tho. I like her.”

The stories over 20k.

There is also this review. “I don’t get the point of this. The-girl-who-lived is shoehorned into a retelling of the Avengers movie and doesn’t do anything of consequence. Her addition changed nothing. So, why?” And! “So basically, what we have here is a rehash of the movie, with the slight addition of a Fem!Harry, who makes little difference to the overall plot and hardly gets noticed by the others. One really can't help but ask, what the point of this whole exercise was.”

I"m rolling my eyes.Collapse )


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